Help! My Husband Still Watches Porn And It Makes Me Feel Inadequate. What Should I Do?

We know that pornography is a disgusting scourge on our society, no matter how its proponents try to twist its alleged benefits. While porn is destructive to an individual, it’s even more of a burden on a marriage. One person’s addiction to porn will inevitably take its toll not only on their psyche and how they view sex, intimacy, and their spouse, but will weaken the strength of the relationship. 

If your husband still watches porn, you’re likely feeling helpless and inadequate. You may be led to believe their dependence on it is your fault, though that couldn’t be further from the truth. If porn is the weak point in your marriage, here’s what you should do.

Porn in Relationships

Let’s be honest with ourselves for a minute. If you’ve ever dated in the modern world, you’ve probably dated a guy who watches porn. The only distinction is whether they’re honest with you (and themselves) about it.

This knowledge – that a person you care for is seeking a hollow sense of comfort and intimacy outside your relationship – can be debilitating and heartbreaking. Why wouldn’t we think we’re the problem? Clearly, we’re not satisfying them or meeting their needs. Clearly, the problem is us. And if we call them out on it, they might get defensive or ashamed and have the gall to say that we are the cause.

There is no gray area on this. Relationships where porn is not present, whether it’s watched by an individual or the couple together, are far stronger. One study on the subject found that the affected individual faced “addiction, isolation, increased aggression, distorted beliefs and perceptions about relationships and sexuality, negative feelings about themselves, and neglecting other areas of their lives.” Additionally, any person in a committed relationship who watches porn may eventually “have difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography, [lose] interest and engage in fewer sexual experiences with their partner,” and both the user and their partner will “experience a decrease in relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness.” 

With porn as the third actor in a two-person relationship, there can be no monogamy, no commitment.

There is no amount of this destructive content, however seemingly inconsequential or insignificant, that does not take its toll on a couple. With porn as the third actor in a two-person relationship, there can be no monogamy, no commitment, no basis of trust and understanding, and no hope for an enduring bond.

Porn Feeds Infidelity

A study of men and women, ages 18-34, found that at least half of the surveyed group reported infidelity in their relationships, subsequent to reporting that they consumed porn (specifically, 77% of men and 35% of women). Participants who reported that neither they nor their significant other watched porn at all reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction and adjustment and lower rates of negative communication. They were also more likely to be committed to their relationships. 

Your spouse doesn’t have to be “addicted” to porn for it to be a concern to you. Again, any amount of sexual material present in a relationship is cause for concern. If we’re speaking candidly about pornography, it’s understandable why it has these specific effects on a relationship. Pornography sells its viewers a fantasy, first and foremost, and if the possibility of a fantasy is offered to the viewer, it’s no wonder that they begin to fantasize about other people or are led to have extramarital affairs. Their intimacy and satisfaction has decreased so drastically within their relationship – by their own doing – that they become convinced they can regain that excitement and spark with someone else.

Men are three times more likely than women to watch pornography, and viewership of online porn doubled in a seven-year period. For many people, porn isn’t a bad habit to them, or one that they can quit once they start dating and eventually marry. It’s a habit that they bring with them into their marriage, and in doing so, they immediately decide to give their spouse and their marriage a decreased chance of success.

Act Sooner Rather Than Later

If you were dating, it might be a different story. Breakups are hard, but they’re nothing compared to the potential dissolution of a marriage. It goes without saying that if your boyfriend is watching porn, you probably don’t have a future. But if you’re married, the stakes are much higher. You have your spouse to think of, not to mention your families, children, finances, etc. 

It shouldn’t have to be said, but if your husband is watching porn, you’re not the problem. His dependence on sexual material is not due to your baby weight, or because you’re bad at intimacy. As with infidelity, the person choosing to stray has deep-seated insecurities and is choosing to seek comfort not with their spouse, but elsewhere.

An honest conversation about the effects of porn on him, you, and your marriage is a good place to start. 

Physician Barb DePree has this to say: “The path to recovery is difficult and riddled with relapse. The harrowing challenge to a partner of a porn addict is to maintain her own integrity and emotional health while offering her partner forgiveness and the space and support to manage his recovery, if he so chooses.” 

DePree makes an important point here: “if he so chooses.” The first step in this situation is not trying to control your husband, but getting him to see that this is an issue in your marriage. An honest conversation about the effects of porn – on him, on you, on your marriage – is a good place to start. 

If he sees no problem and will take no responsibility, you have your work cut out for you. If he doesn’t understand why porn is a detriment to your relationship and how much it hurts you, the issue is much bigger than just pornography – it’s about his compassion for you as his wife and his concern for the welfare of your relationship.

If he does, however, you have the best foundation you could hope for to move forward. From there, you might approach the issue by going to couples therapy or counseling, speaking with a trusted advisor like your minister or pastor, or asking close friends (who won’t spread your dirty laundry around) how they address these problems in their own marriage. Your husband should look to gain friendships with men who also don't look at porn and who value marriage and a commitment mindset so he can surround himself with positive influence.

The linchpin here is to act quickly. Like other bad habits, this isn’t something that will be taken care of if you just let it be or let him grow out of it. Problems like these in a marriage have to be approached proactively and head on, even though there will likely be pain and discomfort in the process.

This is not about your faults as a wife, nor is it about his ability to be a good husband and caregiver. It’s about human nature and the tendency we all have to be attracted to what’s bad for us more than what’s healthy for us. The important thing is that if you truly care for and love one another, no obstacle is too insurmountable, no matter how heavy or burdensome it may seem.

Closing Thoughts

Porn isn’t harmless or nontoxic, no matter how “ethical” or “intersectional” it is. It is deleterious on the individual and on a marriage, and no amount of online keyboard warriors or Reddit users “well actually”-ing the situation makes it any less dangerous. It’s poison. No ifs, ands, or buts.

The remedy to a porn-addicted society and a porn-addicted person is the purity and wholesomeness of love and family, a cause which is actually worth fighting for and worth protecting. Your husband and your marriage are just as worthy a cause.

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