How Modern Moms Are Sidelining Their Village—And What They're Missing

I can relate to this need for control. I left a 13-page printed booklet for my mom and mother-in-law when I went to the hospital to have my second baby, outlining my toddler’s schedule, food preferences, screen time policy, and who knows what else. (Small tip: If you need a table of contents for your babysitter, it might be too much!) They were gracious enough to refrain from laughing or rolling their eyes and accepted my dictionary with complete sobriety. As a new mom, I used to stiffen when my in-laws offered my 1-year-old daughter chocolate milk, suggested home remedies, offered anecdotes of how they handled parenting challenges, or bought her toys that I wouldn’t have picked. 

While we young parents often have a dogged “only-I-parent-my-child” policy, we also often end up asking, “Where’s my village?” Many a mom influencer and IRL mom lament the lack of breaks and help for ourselves and the failure of investment in our children from friends, family, and community. My observation is that often the answer to that common question is “On the sidelines where we put them.” 

Our current generation of moms are older and more well-educated than any that have gone before us. We are also the most well-researched and over-prepared. We have the fewest number of children. And we struggle deeply with being mentally ill and isolated. 

Mothers are anxious to do their very best, which is an admirable goal. We have excruciatingly detailed parenting plans, research everything, and have a certain degree of what C.S. Lewis terms “generational snobbery” – the presumption that anything that has come before us is automatically inferior to the modern way of doing things. 

Generational snobbery, plus snowplow parenting and gentle parenting, leads us moms to be hyper-vigilant in how others interact with our children and easily offended by others’ observations of our offspring. Whether overhearing another mom at the playground politely caution our child, a mother-in-law request a “please” and “thank you,” or a close friend making an observation about our child, we bristle at others “parenting” our kids – that is, correcting or cautioning us or our children in any way. 

A Village Can’t Be Micromanaged

However, a village is not a group of people who think and behave exactly as we do. It’s a mix of people of different ages, opinions, and personalities. Wherever there is more than one person, there will be disagreements. Can we really have people deeply involved in our lives and expect only positive feedback? In real villages where children are raised in a community, people get on each other’s nerves, correct one another’s children, and yes, share burdens and joys. 

We modern moms mistakenly think of a village as a fleet of people willing and waiting to serve us in the ways we see fit.

I think we modern moms mistakenly think of a village as a fleet of people willing and waiting to serve us in the ways we see fit, never correcting our children or giving input about them. But in reality, it’s a balance of give and take, patience, humility, and trust. In a village, there’s going to be accountability. Parents need to be receptive to feedback if they are asking for involvement and resources because a community is made up of relationships, not service providers. A village can’t be micromanaged.

Relationships with Others Benefit Our Children

Our children will be around all sorts of people in their lives, and they will also stand judgment from people who do not love them unconditionally as we do. What better training ground could there be than friends and family who do love our children? It’s good for our kids to be corrected by people besides their parents. It shows them that there are social norms and expectations, and, that while other people do not find their misbehavior delightful, they are still loved. It helps them develop social intelligence by learning to “read” people and their various personalities and expectations. 

They learn Great Aunt Debbie will reprimand you sharply for jumping on her couch, but she also bakes the best cookies and lets you lick the spoon, or that Uncle Joe loves to roughhouse but don’t cross him by throwing rocks at his car. Just as another Evie author reminisces on her grandmother’s inspiring legacy, so also our relatives (and friends) are key to forming lifelong memories of love. Family and friends help shape the adults our kids will become, and their loving chiding and encouragement mold their character for life.

When we require family and friends to never give feedback about our children, nor to correct or caution them (or we try to train them to do it exactly as we would), we don’t just sideline our village. We also take away the opportunity for our children to learn valuable lessons and develop authentic relationships.

Reasonable Boundaries

This isn’t to say there can’t be communication and reasonable boundaries with family or that others shouldn’t respect our wishes for raising our children. Rather, I believe it’s important for parents to (1) recognize the benefit our children can glean from a variety of people interacting with them and (2) remember that setting a few boundaries is more likely to be heeded than an extensive rule book (like my aforementioned masterpiece).

Family and friends help shape the adults our kids will become, and their loving chiding and encouragement mold their character for life. 

Children benefit greatly from having an involved community in their lives. As discussed above, giving our kids a legacy of strong relationships is one of the greatest gifts we can pass on. 

In setting boundaries, the popular parenting book What to Expect the First Year wisely suggests having a few hard rules that must be respected and prioritized, such as children riding in car seats. They balance this recommendation with a recognition that relatives need freedom to treat kids to fun memories. For my kids, this includes staying up late, eating treats, or watching shows. The book states that it’s almost impossible for grandparents who only see their grandchild periodically to spoil them, “although they should be given every opportunity to try.” 

The Village in Action

Years later, we are visiting my in-laws again with our now three kids, as we do several times a year. I’m relaxing in the other room, nursing the baby while drinking a cup of hot coffee, and my MIL is making lunch for us all as my other two kids play. I hear my daughter begin to play rough and at a pitch that can only be described as ear-splitting. I sigh and begin to cover up to go take care of the situation. Before I can get up, Grandma calls briskly to the kids, “Stop that! Get off of him, and don’t yell in the house!” The decibel level drops significantly, and the kids straighten up. I relax again and smile to myself as she calls them to come eat and serves them up chocolate milk and other special “Nana and Papa’s house” favorites, chatting with them and making promises of the fun she has planned for them. 

I still haven’t followed most of my mother-in-law’s suggested home remedies because you don’t have to take all suggestions (although, like a true millennial, I have researched, and it seems there’s occasionally some validity to the “old ways”). My in-laws buy some toys I would classify as plastic junk, but it turns out my kids love them, and many of the nicest educational toys they own are also from grandparents, off an Amazon list I compiled and that they requested. Chocolate milk, sugary cereal, and other treats that don’t darken our doorway at home abound at Nana and Papa’s. The village indeed. 

We must stop sidelining people if we want to have a village. We need to trust that others who love our children will also be good for them. Our kids may just develop a legacy of close, lifelong relationships in the process (while we finally get to drink that cup of coffee while it’s still hot).