How To Approach Your Man About Him Watching Porn

The sad fact of the matter is most of us have dated guys who watch porn, even if we didn’t know it. The fact that it has become so normalized and even seen as something healthy couples do together should concern us. If your boyfriend or husband is watching porn, you have a right to be dismayed.

Porn isn’t actual sex, and more importantly, it isn’t intimacy. It’s a shoddy manufacture of both – like a product you might see online and find when it arrives on your doorstep that it’s falling apart. Worst of all, porn warps our perception of what intimate relationships look like, and it doesn’t make you a bad girlfriend or a needy wife to want to talk to your man about it. It doesn’t matter if he’s not addicted to it – any porn use, no matter how trivial it may seem, has the power to erode the integrity of a relationship. Here’s what you need to know if you plan to approach him.

The Research on Porn Is Skewed

The first thing you need to know if you want to broach this subject with your significant other is that if you’re hoping to find research or resources online, the odds are already stacked against you. As with any other contentious issue that has a stranglehold on our culture, it’s impermissible to criticize porn’s production, use, and supporters. Some sites even suggest that if you have misgivings about your man watching porn, you should watch it with him or integrate it into your relationship somehow. This is just the tip of the iceberg as to how our society is ill-equipped to deal with this serious issue.

One quote-unquote “sexologist” writes, “Understanding porn for what it is, removing shame, and taking time to find high-quality erotic material can help alleviate the guilt and shame.” If these are the sources you seem to be finding – which overwhelmingly suggest that you should ignore any of the uneasiness and worry you have about your man’s porn usage – run. It doesn’t matter how “high-quality” the pornographic material is, or how “ethically” it was produced. It’s probably affecting your relationship, and it’s definitely affecting the brain of the man you love.

If there shouldn’t be any guilt or shame around porn usage, why is it so often watched and used in secret? Why are so many partners desperate to keep it a secret from their loved ones by any means necessary? Despite the messaging of our culture, it’s okay and even acceptable for there to be a stigma around something that’s disgusting and pervasive. Stigmas exist because we know in the very core of our beings that something isn’t right, nor should it be widely socially acceptable. This doesn’t make you a religious fanatic or sexually repressed. Porn usage, however infinitesimal we may think it is, has the capability to decline arousal and give rise to sexual dysfunction in users. One piece of research, where former porn users self-reported their usage and its consequences on their everyday lives, admitted to less sexual interest in their partners, decreased energy levels and productivity, and disturbingly, over half said their sexual interests after prolonged periods of watching porn had become “extreme or deviant.”

Your boyfriend or husband may not be watching porn for hours on end, day after day. But chances are, according to scientific research, his moods might be different, he may be less motivated, and it’s probably affecting your sex life. He may not be able to become aroused or may ejaculate prematurely. You may feel a lack of closeness with him, or notice that he’s more distracted. He may avoid intimacy with you altogether, or start exhibiting signs of sex addiction – like engaging in group sex (and other unsafe behaviors) or forgoing other obligations because of his preoccupying urge with sex. All of that to say, no amount of willfully ignoring the issue or having him assuage your anxiety about it will make it nonexistent.

Get to the Heart of the Matter

The first thing you should know before you bring up this subject with your husband or boyfriend is that you’re not a bad person. Wanting authentic intimacy with him, a better or healthier sex life, and for him to be involved in his daily responsibilities and not in a zombie-like state doesn’t make you a bad person. While porn may not amount to him physically cheating on you, you feel a sense of betrayal for a reason. What’s considerably worse is that porn is everywhere nowadays, from our social media to our TV. In the quest to normalize and destigmatize porn, it’s near impossible to avoid.

He’s watching porn. Take that as a statement of fact, and give it the power it deserves, but don’t be so misled as to think there’s an inherent deficiency within you. Secondly, this doesn’t make him a bad person either. Though he’s engaging in this behavior, it doesn’t mean he’s a poor father or uninvolved in his life. It doesn’t mean he’s given up on your relationship, or that he has no interest in you whatsoever. It means he’s flawed like anyone else, and as with so many men, he’s been taken in by something gripping and even addicting, and that’s not a direct reflection of your failures or your strength as a family.

The American Psychological Association reports that the average age most men are exposed to porn – either accidentally or through intentional curiosity – is 13. A 13-year-old boy isn’t even a full-fledged teenager yet, and he’s certainly not a man. He has more than a decade to go before his brain is fully developed, but unfortunately, this exposure will shape how he looks at women. 

His porn usage by adulthood may be a systematic habit rather than something he does every once in a while. Porn will have taught him about sex, and throughout his young adult years, he may have returned to it rather than face being rejected by actual women. Whether he’s disclosed it to you or not, he may have experienced some form of trauma or abuse when he was younger, which connected him to pornographic material in some way. For many victims of abuse, porn normalizes what they’ve been subjected to and validates their complicated expressions of sexuality.

All of this is important to understand about the man you love. You may want him to quit cold turkey or persuade him to vow that he’ll never watch porn again, but those two scenarios, knowing what we know about porn usage, may be unlikely.

Having the Conversation with Your Man About Porn

The point of this conversation is to raise your concerns and find out his willingness to change. So before you come out guns blazing with your feelings on the issue, be calm and collected. Have certain points prepared that you want to hit on. Understand that he loves you and cares for you, and that he should listen to the concerns you have. Have mutual respect for one another – once respect vanishes, things can quickly go downhill.

Be direct with your concerns. If you see porn affecting your relationship and your sex life, provide specific examples. Explain that you don’t see it as entertainment, a decompressing pastime, or as a distraction. You see it as a threat and a pervasive harm that is cracking the foundation of your relationship. 

Your man might have one of two reactions, and both are crucial as to how you choose to proceed. He may assent to all your specific concerns, and he may even want to quit but not know how to. It might even be difficult for him to watch TV with how normalized porn has become. This is the most positive outcome of the two – he’s recognized the issue, how it’s harming both you and the relationship, and wants to change. This is much easier and simpler to work on as a couple.

The second reaction is more upsetting, but as the man, more understandable. He may become defensive or even angry. In anger or frustration, he may blame you or try to guilt you in some way for his dependence, further cementing your belief that you’re in some way responsible for his actions. Being brought to task for a fault naturally induces this kind of response in any of us. It’s likely not truly reflective of his actual feelings.

In these situations, going to a trusted individual – preferably together – can help provide some perspective and valuable counsel. This individual could be a trained, licensed couples’ therapist, but it might also benefit your perspective to go to someone who knows you as a couple and whom you’re comfortable with, whether it’s a parent, in-law, or a religious leader in your local community. A licensed professional may obviously help, but someone your man trusts, like a friend or co-worker, may get him to be honest more easily.

Most of all, whatever his response, reject the normalization of porn use in your home and in your relationship. It’s not Uber and it’s not DoorDash, and it has no place in representing intimacy or healthy sexuality.

Closing Thoughts

You’re not alone in this, and though it may feel like it, your man isn’t either. Many couples have faced this before, and many likely will in the future, especially as we endeavor to change the conversation around pornography. As long as mutual love, respect, and trust are still at the core of your feelings for your loved one, you have it within you to change the relationship for the better, and to learn how to tackle these important issues together.