How To Be Honest During A Breakup Without Hurting His Feelings

The scene: You’ve been thinking for the last couple of weeks that it might be time to break up with your boyfriend, and you finally decided to pull the trigger and just do it. You’re in the middle of giving him the speech you prepared beforehand, hoping to get through this without hurting him too much, and you’re about to take your leave when he looks at you with puppy dog eyes and asks, “Why are you really breaking up with me? Is there something wrong with me? Did I do or say something wrong?”

You feel caught. You wonder if you should be totally honest with him and tell him exactly why you’re ending things (whether it’s because you don’t think he’s the right match for you, you can’t picture him as the father of your children, or you’ve started to develop feelings for someone else), or if instead you should give him the classic, “It’s not you. It’s me.”

We’ve all heard it said that honesty is the best policy, but what about when it comes to breaking up with someone? Is honesty at that point worth it, or will it do more harm than good? Isn’t being totally honest during a breakup a little bit like kicking him when he’s down?

When Honesty Might Not Be the Best Policy

As is the case with most issues, there’s no clear-cut answer that will suit every situation. There are certainly times when it’s actually helpful to be totally honest when you’re breaking up with someone, and times when it’s simply not beneficial to get candid. We can assess whether or not it’s constructive to be honest in a couple of different ways.

Will it make him feel bad about something he can’t change, something he doesn’t have any control over? An example of this would be if you aren’t attracted to him; while you have every right to break things off with a guy you aren’t into, being honest with him about this won’t benefit him in any way (assuming he already takes good care of his health) – instead, it’ll just make him feel insecure and undesirable.

If you’re breaking up over something he can’t change about himself, being honest will only cause unnecessary hurt.

Will it cause a hurt that could stick with him for a long time? An example of this would be a conversation between Love is Blind host Vanessa Lachey and Paul on the finale of this past season. Paul broke off his engagement to Micah after expressing (in a confessional) that he questioned if she could be a good mother, commenting that he wasn’t sure she was maternal. Vanessa’s confrontation of Paul seemed to insinuate that he should’ve said this to Micah’s face. But the reality is, telling Micah that he doubted her ability to nurture children likely would have caused deep insecurity and hurt her feelings needlessly.

When It’s a Good Idea To Be Honest

Generally speaking, when we’re able to be honest without hurting his feelings about an immutable characteristic or quality, it’s a good practice to be as open and honest as you can be. Are you breaking up with him for reasons he can’t change, but also doesn’t have to? An example of this would be if you simply have different visions for life (you’re a creative type who wants to live in a big, bustling city, and he’d rather settle down in a small town and craves stability). Neither one of you are wrong for having these life visions, but you likely won’t work well together in the long run.

Are you breaking up with him for reasons he can (and maybe should) improve? An example of this would be if he lacks drive. His lack of motivation to do something with his life is an understandable reason to end things with him, and it would be in his best interest to improve this. Another example of this would be if you often felt uncared for by him, if he told hurtful jokes at your expense, or if you felt like you always came in second to his buddies. It’s reasonable to end things if you don’t feel valued, and he’d be wise to hear these reasons and make a change so as not to have the next girl break up with him for the same issues.

How To Be Honest during Your Breakup

If you feel like being honest is the way to go, it’s still essential to deliver this honesty with empathy, tact, and consideration – because how you say something is just as important as what you’re saying. So how do you balance being kind with being honest?

First, it might be best to reserve your honest reasons for breaking up with him until he asks you for them. Even if your reasons and complaints are fair, they won’t be well-received if he doesn’t desire to know them and isn’t open to constructive criticism. So only offer this kind of honesty if it’s requested.

Reserve your honest reasons for breaking up with him until he asks you for them.

Second, if you're hoping your honesty will be helpful to him, try to be gentle with how you present your issues. For example, if you’re ending things because you don’t share visions for life, assure him that while you feel it’s necessary to break things off, he didn’t do anything wrong or deplorable: “I really do like you and care about you. I just don’t see how this relationship can progress very far because we have different desires.”

Conversely, if he did do things that should be improved, you can still let him know kindly: “If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings how often you’d make me the butt of your joke when we were hanging out with your friends. I know to you it was a joke, but it made me feel disrespected, especially when you didn’t stop after we discussed this, and I just don’t think I can stay in a relationship where I feel disrespected.”

Lastly, find a way to keep things positive. Meaning, tell him something that you did appreciate about him during your relationship, even offering him praise for the things he did well. This will help him feel less like he’s being attacked or criticized left and right, and more likely to hear your honesty and process it well.

Closing Thoughts

It’s not always wise to be honest during a breakup. Sometimes, there are things that are better left unsaid. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever be upfront with your reasons for breaking up with someone.

Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today