How To Be Less Desperate For A Boyfriend

Sometimes, being single is exactly what you need – it’s even been enjoyable to us. Maybe we’ve been taking a much-needed break from romantic relationships after a particularly hard breakup, or maybe we’ve been too busy enjoying our life to focus too much on finding a boyfriend. 

And then, one day, that all changes. We’re done being single, and we’re ready to date yesterday. Maybe we’ve watched all of our friends get into relationships while we stayed single, or maybe we’ve just started feeling like something is missing. Suddenly, finding a boyfriend becomes the foremost goal in our mind, the most important thing to accomplish before our next birthday.

But if we aren’t careful, we start to come across as desperate to find someone, anyone, to call our boyfriend. We might try to not-so-subtly assess whether a guy is looking for something long-term within five minutes of meeting him, or ask him to hang out every day for two weeks straight, or accidentally say “I love you” on the first date. 

But it’s this kind of desperation that can keep us single for longer and drive away potential suitors – after all, no one is keen on starting a relationship with someone who seems like they really need this to work out. In the early days, we ought to play it cool, leaving something to the imagination; part of what makes the beginning of a new relationship so exciting is how much we don’t know yet. And attempting to lock a relationship down too quickly or fervently is, well, the opposite of that.

So how can we seem less desperate when searching for a good guy? How do we hold fast to our desires for a relationship while playing it cool? 

Let Him Approach You

Say you’re out in public, maybe at a café or a bookstore, and you spot a cute guy. You’re hoping he’ll notice you too, and you wonder if approaching him first would set you apart from the crowd. While there’s no hard and fast rule saying we ladies shouldn’t ever approach a guy first, there’s something about letting him be the one to initiate – chalk it up to our biological hardwiring to prefer guys who do the pursuing. 

This doesn’t mean you can’t drop him little hints that it’s okay to approach you – if you catch his eye, smile and hold his gaze for a moment longer than is necessary. Look back at him a few seconds later to see if he’s stealing a second glance, too. 

Try Not To Double Text

So you texted him a couple of hours ago, but he still hasn’t responded. You start to wonder if it went through, or if you should text him about something else totally unrelated (such as sending him a funny TikTok you came across) in order to get his attention again. Maybe he just needs a little nudge?

Whether you met him out in the wild and exchanged numbers, or you’re chatting on a dating app, this suggestion remains the same: try not to double text. This isn’t about playing games over text (like the silliness of waiting exactly double the amount of time he took to respond), but instead, it’s about letting him hit the ball back to you rather than running over to his side of the court, grabbing the ball, and hitting it over to his side again. If he habitually takes a ridiculous, disrespectful amount of time to respond, then he’s not really boyfriend material anyway (or he's just not that into you, which, again, means he's not boyfriend material).

If he habitually takes a ridiculous, disrespectful amount of time to respond, then he’s not boyfriend material.

Wear Something Classy

We all want to put our best foot forward on the first date – we want to wow him. We might go all out with our makeup, or put a little more effort into our hair, or give ourselves a fresh mani and an extra spritz of perfume; that’s all simple enough. But one of the hardest decisions to make? What to wear.

While it’s tempting to don something that will really catch his eye, it’s also important to strike a balance between fun and classy. Try to channel your inner Audrey when putting together an ensemble – wear something you feel comfortable in that accentuates your frame, but stay away from showing lots of skin.

Take the Pressure off the First Date

It’s easy to let our inner idealist get carried away on the first date. Maybe we’ve had some really good conversations over text, complete with witty banter and sweet moments. We might have really high hopes that, one day, we’ll be recounting this very date for our grandchildren when they ask to hear their grandparents’ love story.

But putting this kind of pressure on ourselves and a first date to go well will only come off as desperation – and trust us, he’ll pick up on that immediately. Instead, simply let a first date be a first date; maybe it’ll go somewhere, and maybe it won’t. Let go of the need to control how a potential relationship develops, and just try to enjoy the guy sitting across from you.

Speak About Yourself Confidently

We really hope he’ll think the world of us, right? We want him to think our job is cool, to be impressed with how well-read we are, and to think we’re the wittiest woman he’s ever met. But how do we get him to think these things?

Well, the key to getting him to think highly of you is to speak about yourself confidently rather than in a manner that’s seeking assurance from him. Tell him how much you love your job, talk about the interesting study you read earlier, and laugh at your own jokes. He’ll have a difficult time not following suit if you clearly respect and like yourself.

Take Things Slow

It’s understandable to get caught up in a moment when we really like someone, especially if it’s a newer relationship. We’re in the midst of the honeymoon period, when everything about this person is magical to us, and all we want is to be closer to them. And if we’ve been hoping for a relationship all along, we might assume we have to give him a reason to keep coming back.

However, rushing into anything physical before you’ve given the relationship time to breathe and yourself a chance to think clearly opens up the possibility of creating an emotional tie to a guy who never showed you that he deserved that. Instead, let things progress slowly. Wait longer than you necessarily want to, even for something as simple as a kiss.

Wait longer than you necessarily want to, even for something as simple as a kiss.

Don’t Put Up with Immaturity or Disrespect

When we’re starving for a relationship, we might begin approaching our love life with an “I’ll take what I can get” attitude. We’re sick and tired of being single, and we just don’t want to spend another birthday or holiday alone. More often than not, this means we end up putting up with bad behavior from a guy simply because we’re desperate for a modicum of attention.

No boyfriend, however, is worth your dignity. No guy is dreamy enough to get away with sending a u up? text, or charming enough to expect boyfriend treatment without putting a label on it, or successful enough to string you along while continuing to swipe right on other girls. No matter how much you’re longing for a committed, loving relationship, it’s better to be single than in a relationship with the wrong guy.

Have Dealbreakers

When we deeply yearn for something specific, we’re often willing to make exceptions and sacrifices in order to get it. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. How often have we seen a young, bright, beautiful woman compromise on what she’d always wanted out of life, all for a guy?

Being in a relationship requires us to sacrifice some of our freedom (we have to consider someone else’s desires in our decisions now). But we shouldn’t ever compromise on values and beliefs that are important to us in order to get a guy to stick around. We can’t become someone who’ll say yes to anything for the sake of being chosen. We have to have dealbreakers.

If you want to get married one day, hold fast to that. If you want kids, be with someone you wouldn’t have to convince to want that too. If you’re someone of faith, prioritize finding a guy who wouldn’t cause you to fall away from your religion.

Closing Thoughts

It’s all too easy to find ourselves in a desperate place once we’re ready to not be single anymore. But it’s important to stay away from seeming or being desperate by having your own standards, taking things slowly, and being confident in yourself regardless of your relationship status.

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