How To Deal With The Anxiety Of A New Relationship

Starting a new romantic relationship is exciting, but you’d be hard-pressed to find someone for whom it isn’t also just a little bit nerve-racking (okay, fine, a lot bit nerve-racking). Inner doubts come hard and fast. Does he like me as much as I like him? Is he ready to commit? Why does he want to date me? Will he still want me when he learns I know all the words to Phantom of the Opera? The fear that you’re going to ruin this thing that’s just begun immediately comes crowding in like uninvited guests at a house party. Will he think I’m clingy if I text him now? Should I have told him I’m a Disney fan? When he sees me in my sweatpants and T-shirt will he call the whole thing off?

New relationship anxiety is normal. Chances are good that he’s experiencing just as much of it as you are (no matter how cool and collected he seems when you’re together). But the new relationship jitters can tend to make us act in ways that really aren’t us. And acting like someone other than yourself is not a great plan when starting a relationship you hope will last a long time (maybe forever).

New relationship anxiety is normal. Chances are good that he’s experiencing just as much of it as you are.

Only time will heal the jitters (once you guys get to know each other better, you’ll both calm down), but there are a few things you can do to try to hang on to some semblance of your true self. Here are some tips:

If you’re wondering why he hasn’t texted, text him.

So often, in a new relationship, we try to gauge how much our significant other is into us by how often he texts or calls us. We obsessively check our phones for messages and stalk his social media pages to try to reassure ourselves with information about where he’s been (oh, he’s at soccer practice, he can’t text me now!). But all this panic about a text message (which will probably read something like “hey” when it does eventually come through) is turning you into a nervous wreck, which will be all too obvious when you and your guy do finally hang out again.

I know it’s hard — because you’re using the frequency of his text messages to test his commitment to you — but, if you’re wondering why he hasn’t texted you, text him. Put yourself out of your misery. You don’t have to text something like, “Where are you?? It’s been five minutes since I last heard from you! You’re with another girl, aren’t you? I knew this was too good to be true, text me back NOW!!!” (Those are internal thoughts best never to share with anyone ever.) Instead just send something like “Hey, thinking of you!” or “Want to get dinner later?” Something your normal, non-anxiety-riddled self would say.

If you’re agonizing over what to text him, focus on being yourself

Whenever he does end up texting you, chances are you’re going to then spend a bunch of time wondering what his text means. (Does he mean “Hey” like “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you all day, and I hope I can see you soon”? or “Hey” like “Oh hey, totally forgot about you until right this second”?) And then you’re probably going to spend even more time trying to craft your response.

Nothing I can say is going to stop you from doing this. So here’s what I’ll tell you instead: try to craft a response that sounds most like you. It’s going to be tempting to try to say the thing you think he wants to hear. But he’s falling for you, not the weird anxiety monster this new relationship has created. So you want to continue to at least pretend to be yourself.

Try to craft a response that sounds most like you. It’s going to be tempting to try to say the thing you think he wants to hear.

Imagine that you’ve been together longer than you have

When you’re with your new boyfriend, you’re probably going to feel all kinds of things, including an overwhelming fear of messing this all up. And then you’re going to worry that, if he knew you felt that way, you’d totally mess this all up. But, normal you would probably just be honest with him and tell him how you’re feeling when you’re feeling it.

I’m not suggesting you spend every waking moment pouring out all your anxieties in some sort of long and overwhelming verbal thought-stream. I’m just saying that, if you feel like you’re acting kind of weird, try thinking about what normal you would do. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Wow, I’m kind of nervous right now” if you need to. But you can also try to imagine that it’s three months from now and the two of you have seen each other do embarassing things on more than one occasion. Do you want to hold his hand, but you’re worried how he’ll react? If three-months-from-now you would hold his hand, then hold his hand. If you’re going to be worried anyway, worry about acting like yourself.

Conclusion

Embarking on a new relationship can be scary, but the most important thing is to try to hang on to your true self. The anxiety will pass and, when it does, you want your guy to know the real you, not some version of yourself you created in an anxiety-fueled haze. You won’t feel like yourself for a while, but you may remember what your true self is like. If you’re going to be worrying anyway, you might as well channel your worries into something worthwhile.