How To Get A Man To Marry You

The scene: You’re scrolling Instagram as you’re laying in bed one night, promising yourself that you’ll stop soon. And before you know it, something pops up: yet another girl you used to know in high school, announcing her magical engagement to the man of her dreams. She can’t wait to become this man’s wife, according to her gushy, emoji-filled caption.

What you’re not very proud to admit is that her post bothers you. As you swipe through the pictures of her and her new fiancé, her enormous diamond ring, and a short, faraway video of the proposal, you feel your jealousy bubble up and your jaw tighten. What’s so special about her? What did she do to get a guy to propose to her? How did she get him to look at her and think, “I want to make her my wife”?

Whether you’re single, have a brand new boyfriend, or have been in a long-term relationship, all you know is that you really want to have your own fairytale proposal, just like that. You want to be chosen, to get married, to have a husband, to be someone’s wife. But you aren’t sure how to get from where you are right now to the aisle.

So just how do you get a man to marry you, then? How do you make the leap from single girl or long-term girlfriend, all the way to wife? It might have less to do with what you do do and more to do with what you don’t do.

Remember That You Aren’t a Wife Until You Say “I Do”

We get it – it’s tempting to jump into the role of “wife” before it’s official, for multiple reasons. First, you’re naturally drawn to the kind of dynamic between husband and wife. You enjoy playing marriage because you want it to be real one day. So much so that you’re willing to move in, cook, pay half of the bills, and commit to your relationship with him as if you’ve got a ring and you’re legally bound to one another.

Another reason you might do this? To get him thinking about marriage. To help usher him into seeing you as the kind of woman he could marry. This, you think, is your way of auditioning for the role of his lawfully wedded wife. And you do your very best to nail your audition, day after day.

But we can’t stress this enough: You aren’t his wife yet, and pretending to be won’t necessarily make it become a reality. While there are definitely couples out there who’ve gotten married after living together for a number of years, it’s not wise to count on this being the outcome.

Jenny White, dating coach and the head of lovepilled.com, put it like this: “Repeat after me: You are not his wife until you are married. You are not his wife when you are his girlfriend. You are not his wife when you are shacking up. You are not his wife when you are in a situationship. You are his wife only when you have an official ceremony and your marriage record is on public file at the county recorder.”

It’s important to have a clear understanding of the difference between being a girlfriend and being a wife, or the difference between commitment that could be “for now” versus commitment that’s forever, because they’re worlds apart. Rather than muddy the waters by being a wife to your boyfriend, draw clear boundaries in the relationship. Choose not to cross over into wife territory until there’s a ring on your finger.

“Stick to your guns and make it very clear you won’t be acting in the capacity of being a man's wife until you are married, period. If he’s the man for you, he will fully respect that and he will respect your honesty and you holding true to your values,” says White.

Don’t Get Stuck Doing the Brunt of the Work

We’ve all been there – falling for a guy so hard that you’re willing to do anything to keep him interested. From going above and beyond to bringing him a little gift every time you see him, to waiting on him hand and foot the moment he gets the sniffles, to agreeing to go further intimately than you have before, everything you do is in the hopes of making sure he sticks around and doesn’t start looking elsewhere. 

And you do all of this without expecting all that much from him in return – or even worse, because he stopped putting in effort. White gives a few examples of this dynamic: “She starts paying because he won’t. She starts texting because he won’t. She starts driving to him across town because he won’t.” 

But letting yourself get stuck with doing the brunt of the “work” of keeping the relationship going is just another mistake that far too many women make. And rather than picking up the slack for him, see his lax approach to the relationship as a sign that he isn’t interested in making you his wife. “As soon as he starts being lazy with you, distance yourself. He wants to take you out on a coffee date for your second date and has yet to pay for a decent meal? Tell him you’re busy and don’t speak to him again until he wants to take you on a proper date,” suggests White.

Let Him Pursue You

You know how you’ve been hoping he’d be the one to ask you out? Or that he’d ask you to be his girlfriend? Or that he’d tell you he’s in love with you? Or that he’d think to himself, “I don’t want to spend another year without being her husband” and get down on one knee? We can’t guarantee that he’ll do any of those things, but if you take a step back and let him be the main pursuer, he just might. Because if one thing is true about guys, it’s that they love the chase.

“It’s all about the chase with men. It’s all about the effort they put in. It’s all about him deciding what moves he has to make next in order to win you over,” says White. How does she figure, you ask? Well, it all comes down to a hormone called vasopressin, which plays a huge role in bonding and arousal for men.

Men tend to release vasopressin when they’re solving problems, working out puzzles, and completing tasks – yes, really. And one puzzle you can always give him? The puzzle of getting you to fall for him, of course. “Because men literally cannot feel attracted to a woman they don't work hard for. … That’s why they go all out in trying to impress you. To take you out and buy you things and show you they value your company. To make you feel special in them rising to the occasion and making it known you actually mean something to him. You have to let a man work for what he wants from you. He will step up and commit when he feels he has fully invested enough of his own time, energy, and resources in being with you,” says White.

So, yes, it turns out that the less you actively take on the role of the main pursuer, the more likely it is that a guy will naturally start to think of you as a long-term option.

Find Empowerment in the “Passive” Approach

So does this mean you’re never allowed to show interest or initiate anything? Not exactly. It’s not a bad idea to text him first sometimes, or to be the one to come up with a date now and again, or to be upfront about your growing feelings for him, but there’s something to be said for taking the more passive approach. On the flip side of letting him be the pursuer is finding excitement in letting yourself be pursued. 

“You, as a woman, don’t have to do all the work. And you definitely shouldn’t if you want to build long, sustainable attraction with a man. And being passive is a fantastic and extremely attractive way to let him take the lead and become more serious about you,” says White. And before you get it twisted, being “passive” has nothing to do with being weak.

So what does it look like to be passive? A few examples are letting him pay for the first date, be the one to initiate the first kiss, or lead the conversation. This certainly doesn’t mean being a total dud and not asking him any questions on the date, or never texting him first, or not showing any kind of interest unless he does first, but it means seeing yourself as worthy of a man putting effort into wooing you – and finding empowerment in the idea that a man is pursuing you.

Closing Thoughts

The key to getting a man to marry you is all about seeing yourself as (and becoming) a woman who’s ready to be a wife – who’s worthy of being committed to and only willing to date emotionally mature, respectful, commitment-minded, and value-driven men.

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