How To Get Through The “Are We Dating Or Not?” Phase

I’m happily engaged and looking back on every guy who “ghosted” me is eye-opening. You don’t know someone’s true intentions until the relationship is over…or you’re married. Some of the guys had issues with women from their past, so they didn’t want to get too attached for fear of getting hurt. Some of them just wanted to use me…you know what for (but they didn't get it). Some of them were too selfish to even be in a relationship. The sad thing is that it wasn’t until I found my fiancé that I had these realizations. As soon as you become unattached to what they did to you, that’s when they come back. It’s a cruel cycle. That’s why I’m writing this.

Here are a few steps to getting through the “Are we dating or not?” phase.

Pay Close Attention the First Couple of Days

This is when you're least interested. You don’t love him, you don’t really know him, you're just seeing if you're compatible. If you see red flags within a couple of dates, BYE!! You start making excuses for those red flags the more attracted you become. So when you're getting to know each other, it’s important to really listen and save yourself the heartbreak later if you see something you don’t like.

Respect Yourself

When you're training a dog, you have to show them that you're strong and aren't going to let them walk all over you. If you give them table food, they will know how to give you puppy dog eyes for what they want. Guess what?! Same goes for relationships. If you say, no…that means no.

If you’re afraid of being rude (I had that problem), trust your gut. It’s not rude to say no.

A strong woman isn’t pushed into doing something she doesn’t want to do. If you’re afraid of being rude (I had that problem), trust your gut. It’s not rude to say no… it’s rude to throw water in someone’s face. If you're uncomfortable at all, know that nobody can force you to do anything. You should never feel pressured in a wholesome, healthy relationship.

Stay Busy

If you're bored at home and checking your phone all day to see if he texted you… you’re going to make yourself crazy. I’ve been there and went pretty nuts. If he’s really interested, you shouldn’t be doing that. Every guy is different, of course, but it shouldn’t be this texting game of “wait 10 minutes to respond because he didn’t respond for 5 minutes.”

Relationships shouldn’t be about text messages. They're about getting to know someone who could possibly be yours forever. So keep yourself busy and do your own thing. Don’t wait around for someone…the right man will be sure to let you know he’s interested.

Don’t Think That Every Guy You Date Is Your Future Husband

It’s really hard sometimes to let go because people aren’t always self-aware. So you tell your friends about what happened, and they tell you to move on, but you still have an inkling that he’s the one. If you go into every relationship thinking, “He and I would have beautiful babies, and we will name them Peter, Sarah, and Grace” or writing your first name and his last name, that’s going to push someone away really fast. If someone did that to me, I would be a little freaked out. What’s meant to be is meant to be.

Ask Personal Questions

Finding out someone’s favorite color is one thing, but getting to know their morals is another. I found out on my first date that my fiancé was one of seven kids, his parents had been married over 30 years, he wanted to have four children, and that he has never cheated and will never cheat on someone.

Finding out someone’s favorite color is one thing, but getting to know their morals is another.

Honestly, I asked all of those questions because my previous heartbreak was someone who had cheated on his ex-girlfriend multiple times, didn’t want kids, and his parents had divorced when he was young. I never knew that until three months into our fling…I wish I had known sooner.

If You Still Aren’t Exclusive, Be Honest with Him

Men respect honesty. For example, after three months of talking with my (now) fiancé…he still hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. It wasn’t because he was seeing other girls; it was because he was waiting for the right time. I, on the other hand, wanted to be exclusive right away. So I made silly comments occasionally about how single I was and let him know that I wasn’t going to wait around forever.

If you’re in that situation, here’s a short and sweet way of letting him know - “I really like where this is going, and I love spending time with you…but I respect myself too much to continue this the way it is. I’m not asking you to make it exclusive right away, but I’m letting you know that I’m not the type of girl to just wait around.” Also…do this in person. Not in a text.

Avoid Only Texting

Have you ever been texting someone and you send them a message that they interpret the wrong way? Yeah, me too. It even happens with people who have known me for years. It’s difficult to get to know someone over words. Going on dates, calling, and FaceTime are better ways to get to know someone. God didn’t design us to live through phones and fall in love over social media. We're visual and emotional beings who do much better in person.

Going on dates, calling, and FaceTime are better ways to get to know someone.

Be Yourself

The more honest and truthful you are, the better. You want him to love you for your inner beauty and the outer beauty to be a bonus.