How To Go From Feminist To Feminine—From Someone Who’s Done It Firsthand

If you met me in my junior or senior year of high school, you probably wouldn’t make the connection between the “me” back then and the “me” in the present day. That’s not to say I was an entirely different human being, but I presented very differently both in dress and demeanor. Indeed, like many other young women who were raised “Democrat by default,” I simultaneously held very strong “feminist” convictions (despite despising the term and generally refusing to use it) and a very strong sense of contempt for my own gender.

My body had been changing. I felt uncomfortable with the way that fabric clung to my skin, showing off curves I didn’t want to have. Other girls around me just seemed to have it all put together – their hair could hold a curl from a curling wand or stay frizz-free after being flat-ironed, trendy clothing from popular mall brands and local boutiques flattered their slender physique, and makeup didn’t look like a muddy mess on their faces. They were all beauty, but I felt like a beast. 

Maybe I knew somewhere deep down that I was just going through a phase and that things would get better. But it felt as though I had been dealt a bad hand by fate. I grew up dazzled by the draw of XX chromosomes, watching hyper-feminine “magical girl” anime at a young age and spending hours upon hours of my after-school time in dance practice. But when my own confidence fell short, feminism swooped in and promised me a sense of vengeance against my self-perceived shortcomings.

I don’t think I was a fool for falling into feminism’s trap because I found my way out eventually and feel as though the tough journey I made going from “feminist” to “feminine” has been a rewarding one. I’ve learned quite a bit on my own feminine journey, and while I certainly have much, much more work that needs to be done, I’d like to share some practical tips with any woman who is ready to lean into her feminine mystique and grow along with me.

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I Started My Journey by Being Open to the “Other Side”

As I mentioned, I grew up progressive by default. It was what I knew, and frankly, it was what I was conditioned to believe was the way. Raised essentially agnostic by two parents jaded with religion, I celebrated holidays from a cultural angle but never really took it upon myself to inquire about faith. But despite my agnostic upbringing by political progressives, my family was quite socially conservative. My father was the breadwinner, my mother stayed at home to raise three daughters, I was encouraged to watch wholesome shows and movies, and I was expected to follow rules typical in a traditional, nuclear family unit.

Where my family differed from your traditional, conservative family was that I was discouraged from understanding – or even engaging with – the “other side.” Perhaps I wasn’t being purposefully boxed up in an echo chamber, but by being sheltered from conservative thought entirely, by only ever hearing negative comments about conservative politicians, thinkers, or even just average Joe neighbors, I was isolated from ever developing empathy, warmth, or tenderness for those I thought I disagreed with.

Little did I know, I’d actually have much more in common with “the other side.” When I began to feel jaded by liberal feminism and started falling for a conservative man, I struggled with three quintessentially feminine, aforementioned traits: empathy, warmth, and tenderness. It took me some time to de-program the gut response I had toward ideologies I hadn’t considered before. 

Certain statements genuinely felt like microaggressions. I struggled to hear that men have real disadvantages in aspects of life like divorce or custody over children, or that affirmative action wasn’t just artificially robbing Peter to pay Paul. Since I lacked empathy for the “other side,” I couldn’t think introspectively about why they might be right. But where I had previously responded with chilliness, I tried to be open-minded and sensitive to new ideas, and slowly realized that my “reality” wasn’t actually right.

Especially if you grew up with more feminist-minded voices in your ears, admitting that you could be wrong is really hard to do. We feel discomfort when we need to let go of our ego and listen instead of going on the offense. Regularly challenging my own cognitive dissonance became one of my go-to hobbies.

I gobbled up as many controversial opinions as I could so that I could thoughtfully sift through them all and come to my own conclusions. I wanted to hear the worst so that I could decide what was the best. A feminine woman is someone who can listen with an open mind and open heart and has enough humility to concede emotion in the face of logic. A feminine woman is someone who can understand multiple perspectives, parse through the noise, and stay balanced with her own convictions instead of becoming aggravated by adversity.

I Allowed Myself To Uncover the Lies About “Patriarchy”

Growing up with a stay-at-home mother meant that my immediate female role model was someone who worked around the clock for her children for a living. She had gone to art school after high school for a bit of time, became a model, then a makeup artist, and then met my father. It didn’t compute for me just how good she had it in a sense, being able to be supported by a man who could provide for his wife, three daughters, and the many dogs we had over the years.

I felt a certain sense of resentment for the fact that my mother was home with the kids while other women were out in the workplace. Up until my latter high school years, she hadn’t expressed an interest in going back to work, so from my “feminist” perspective I wrongfully felt she was being held back by the patriarchy. Second-wave feminists celebrated the career woman and criticized the stay-at-home wife.

Since my mother wasn’t part of the 74 million or so women in the labor force, I felt I had to climb the proverbial ladder and break the glass ceiling in a rebellion against the “oppressive” framework in front of me. It didn’t compute that I could have a career and a family. I myopically thought that the path in front of me was college, then career, and then I’d figure it all out later.

But, I was a bit of a romantic at heart. I crushed hard on boys, despite feeling inadequate as a girl. The moment I had a cell phone with texting capabilities, I was constantly in conversation with whichever boy had a hold over my heart at that time. God knows half of the conversations at that time were just “I’m bored” and other banal communication, but nevertheless, I would set my sights on a boy, and not much else really seemed to matter. 

An empowered young woman, however, wasn’t supposed to find fulfillment in her relationship with a young man in the eyes of feminism. To go from feminist to feminine, I had to unlearn this concept and really explore how true women’s empowerment occurs when there are expansive opportunities and choices, but no singly defined route for fulfillment.

For one reason or another, some women won’t find love. Some women will find love, fall out of love, or be hurt by a man and never end up raising children of their own. But to sacrifice the possibility of something intrinsically rewarding like family – the very foundation of human life meant to provide love, belonging, and emotional support – for something extrinsically rewarding like climbing the corporate ladder was a lie I had to come to terms with.

Elevating the Career Woman or the Stay-at-Home Wife Over One Another Is a Zero-Sum Game

In my feminine journey, I haven’t sacrificed my skills, and I certainly haven’t stopped working. In fact, I’ve held a job consistently from the moment I started my first part-time job in high school. During my feminine journey, I’ve worn many hats: candy shop salesgirl, diner waitress, barista, tea server, boutique attendant, seasonal Halloween store worker, public relations firm strategist, running communications for a political organization, and now writing for a magazine and managing a unique, storytelling center within a policy organization.

Upon reflection, I realized that the path my career has taken has been more tailored toward working with my feminine energy instead of working against it. Instead of forcing myself into a potentially ill-fitting job where I must be physically present in an office, following corporate attire norms, and for lack of better terms, doing unimaginative, uninspired tasks, I very purposefully sought out a work environment that fostered femininity.

Now I understand that not everyone has the luxury to pick and choose, but where it’s appropriate, it’s certainly worth it in your feminine journey. You’ll thrive best in a flexible work environment. For me, that looks like a fully-remote job which – while it definitely has some firm deadlines – can be adaptable so that I can tend to other needs.

Being blessed enough to work from home means that I can be here if contractors need to stop by and fix something while my husband is in the office. It also means I can cycle the laundry during the day and not miss out on work hours. Additionally, if it’s that particular time of the month and I don’t want to wear restrictive clothing, there’s no dress code keeping me from being a bit more comfortable. Furthermore, working from home is doubly (if not triply) important if children are in the cards for me in the near future or a few more years down the line. 

I always knew I’d be working somewhere within the realm of writing – I wrote short stories and fanfiction at a young age, was a yearbook editor in high school, and before majoring in public relations, I was dead-set on going into journalism. Having a writing-based, creative job has helped me tenfold in connecting with my feminine energy. While there’s certainly nothing emasculating about creative careers, tapping into your creative side through work is one way you can embrace the essence of femininity. 

And I must say, if you can’t work a creative job for one reason or another, it’s definitely worth exploring creative hobbies. A creative outlet gives a voice to your heart and soul, releases some daily stress, and it works the right side of your brain. 

Try multiple things and accept that some of them just won’t be the right ones for you: baking, cooking, gardening, playing an instrument, photography, painting, drawing, dancing, pottery, woodworking, origami, flower arranging, writing poetry or stories, soap making, jewelry making, quilting, knitting, embroidering, crocheting, nail art, candlemaking, bone carving, scrapbooking or perhaps even take a page from Beatrix Potter’s playbook and study fungus.

I Focused Intentional Energy on Glowing Up – Inside and Out

I know I do risk sounding super entitled about my work-from-home situation, but can I just gush for a moment how grateful I am to be close to my kitchen? Let’s be honest – there’s no worse food-related pressure than workplace treats that tempt you into unhealthy eating patterns. You know you don’t need that donut or decadent iced latté when you’ve already had breakfast, but it’s sitting there right when you walk into the office, and you feel guilty if you don’t indulge.

One of the longest, but most rewarding ways I have shed my “feminist” skin is by taking better care of my body, inside and out. In teenagehood, I felt so much angst toward my body, and despite being a competitive dancer, I ate my feelings and allowed myself to put on weight. Deep down, it really bothered me that I kept eating so much takeout packed with nasty ingredients that weren’t doing my figure any justice or ultra-processed groceries that I genuinely thought were healthy.

On my feminist to feminine journey, I have made some mistakes along the way. I will admit that I got quite controlling about my nutrition. Things that I thought were right (primarily eating lower calorie, yet low nutrient density foods) in an effort to lose some of that weight weren’t actually fueling me for physical fitness. I struggled to find a good balance between cardio and weight lifting and thought I should just pick one or the other.

Weight lifting or pilates is what keeps your muscle tone looking sexy and healthy, but you do also need to be keeping up with cardio. You shouldn’t exhaust yourself, however, because too much cardio can contribute to amenorrhea. This is where the hot girl walk can quickly become one of your best go-to workouts. 

Consider the following: Long but low-impact cardio is great for keeping excess weight off, balancing your hormones, clearing your mind, and keeping your cardiovascular system strong. Couple that cardio with moments where you can connect with nature, and you’re embracing your feminine sensuality. Soak in the beauty of our uniquely life-giving planet on a hike through the hills or smell fresh flowers at a local park. Regularly reminding ourselves of beauty improves our mood!

The lessons I’ve learned since then have made such a deep impact on improving my hormonal health, and as a result, improving my femininity. I now know that I need to eat way more healthy fats high in omega-3s than I had previously allowed myself.

I prioritize protein from hormone-happy, nutrient-dense sources like beef, venison, chicken, fish, eggs, and dairy. I’m not carb-free, nor am I fully gluten-free, but I tend to stick with paleo-friendly carb sources because my body just digests them better, and I feel more energized. To this day, I’m still an avid snacker (“girl dinner” has been my meal style of choice for years now), but I try to stick to brands that use nutrient-dense ingredients and avoid seed oils. 

You Simply Can’t Ignore Your Hormonal Health

One of the biggest game-changers for me in terms of my inner beauty (which caused a chain reaction to improve my outer beauty) was buckling down and learning about hormonal health. Our natural hormonal cycles are intimately tied to our mood, behavior, nutritional needs, capacity to exercise, and how our bodies look. Eating for hormonal health and exercising in ways that nourish my body rather than drain me of energy has made me feel sexier, more attractive, and more confident. I have a brighter outlook on my physical appearance, knowing that my inner body is better fueled than it was before.

However, this journey has had other road bumps along the way. I’ve mentioned many times how getting off hormonal birth control (the Nexplanon implant) was one of the best choices I’ve made for my health. While on Nexplanon, my estrogen levels were suppressed so low that even after a couple years of being off it, I still struggle to naturally produce sufficient estrogen.

Getting an OB/GYN who understands a more holistic approach to female hormones has made a major difference in my feminine journey. My old OB/GYN listened to my concerns over not having periods and simply suggested I go on the pill. My current OB/GYN has worked with me for many, many months now to understand the root issue at hand causing amenorrhea without going back on birth control. Suppressing your normal ovulatory cycles can (but not always does) cause a laundry list of health issues now and in the future.

I try not to add it all up, become a total doomer, and succumb to a victimhood mentality, but I’ve probably spent thousands of dollars just trying to get my natural cycles back. We’ve finally been able to rule out a lot of potential diagnoses that had me fearful for my future fertility. But, because I took it upon myself to find an OB/GYN who wasn’t just looking for band-aid solutions, I’m now cycling again and know that I can safely carry a child when my husband and I are ready.

Birth control can be helpful for many women, but you have to do your own due diligence and research whether or not the pros outweigh the potential cons. Many women experience significant bloating, weight gain, acne, feelings of depression, and other complications to their lifestyle that could be avoided if they used non-hormonal contraceptive methods. I feel sexier, more in control of my body and mood, and just more like a woman in general off birth control, and I know that many other women ditching their hormonal contraceptives feel similarly. 

What Sort of Skincare or Cosmetics Should I Buy?

The next few practical tips I have address your outward appearance. First of all, in case you haven’t heard it enough, there is not one, single way to look like a woman. A feminine woman can be petite or stand at runway model heights. A feminine woman can have rich, dark skin or a pale complexion. A feminine woman can have bedroom-eyes with her hooded eyelids or big, doe-like eyes.

I find it quite important to make that caveat because we’re blessed to have access to beautifying cosmetics, filters, treatments, or procedures if we’re feeling particularly insecure about an aspect of our appearance. However, layers of makeup or surgical procedures can’t replace the solid foundation of confidence that every woman needs to feel secure in her femininity.

When I was in my “feminist” phase and didn’t feel secure about the way my body looked, I overcompensated with really low-skilled applications of cheap makeup. I didn’t have any form of a skincare routine because my form of self-care wasn’t taking good care of my body and soul, it was overindulging and succumbing to negative emotions.

Learning about proper skincare seems like an uphill battle, but that’s simply because the market is overrun with products that get you to spend money for little to no results. It’s fun to experiment with different serums, exfoliating liquids, or creams, but in all honesty, less can often be more. 

Thanks to the expert advice of Evie girls like Simone Sydel, I’ve narrowed down my skincare product load to a select few that work for me. That’s the other thing – what works for me may not work for you! But, I will say that every girl going through a feminine transformation should have a micellar cleansing water, a hydrating cleansing balm, a liquid exfoliant, a serum or two with active ingredients appropriate for her unique skin needs, retinol or retinol-like serums, a ceramide-based moisturizer, a nourishing lip balm for each purse, and a mineral sunscreen.

A few of my favorites (and this is by no means an exhaustive list) in heavy rotation would be Banila Co’s Clean It Zero Original Cleansing Balm, CeraVe's Moisturizing Cream, CeraVe’s Resurfacing Retinol Serum, The Ordinary’s Glycolic Acid 7% Exfoliating Toning Solution, and Clara and Fritz’s Tallow-Based Sun Protection with Zinc Oxide. Oh, and do not ever, and I repeat, ever, forget to bring your skincare down your neck!

Then, there’s makeup. Did I mention how unskilled I used to be with makeup? Well, I’m still not the best, but I have mastered a basic look that can work for daytime or nighttime. That sort of flexibility and simplicity is what can truly make your femininity shine through. I take more of a “clean girl” makeup approach nowadays. Primer, foundation or just concealer, light powder, bronzer, blush, highlight, brows, and mascara. If it can’t be done within 10 minutes, it’s too complicated for me.

While I’d normally love to shout out a few home-run products, I haven’t quite found anything that I consider to be a holy grail. I will say, however, that you shouldn’t knock the “cheap” stuff. Companies like NYX or ColourPop actually create foundations, concealers, brow products, and more that rival higher-end or luxury brands. 

A few of my drugstore or dupe favorites in heavy rotation would be ColourPop’s Pretty Fresh Hyaluronic Acid Tinted Moisturizer, NYX’s Tinted Eyebrow Mascara, and Physicians Formula’s Diamond Dust highlighter. Some splurges I haven’t regretted once have been Tarte’s Amazonian Clay Matte Bronzer in Park Ave Princess or Cover FX’s Monochromatic Blush Duo in Mojave Mauve/Dusty Rose.

But, What Do I Wear?

One of the most hotly-disputed topics in femininity discourse is what in the world a feminine woman wears. Here are my two cents: A woman should lean into hyper-feminine fabrics, textures, and silhouettes if it brings her joy, but if she’d rather just wear well-tailored jeans, a button-down blouse, and flat shoes, then that’s fully her own prerogative! A confident woman can carry her gender identity whether she’s in more androgynous silhouettes and colors á la French girl style, or if she’s fully dolled up in a frilly, puff-sleeve nap dress and heeled footwear.

For me, I used to use clothing as a way to hide my femininity. I picked silhouettes that concealed cleavage to the best of my ability, didn’t care to accentuate my waist, and wouldn’t dare to wear the “soft summer” colors my wardrobe is now drowning in. What was very helpful in my feminine dressing journey was to learn more about Kibbe body types and color seasons. It’s not an exact science, but it can help you get the gears turning to discovering your own personal style.

Your vibe may lean more “coastal grandmother” than “French girl,” or perhaps you prefer hyper-feminine aesthetics like “balletcore” or “cottagecore,” but no matter what your feminine essence is, you shouldn’t wear it like a costume. Clothing, like cosmetics, is meant to accentuate your beauty and not cover it up. Less fuss can indeed be more!

I was a bit lost when it came to clothing, having been an avid thrifter and grungy teen. I’m still an avid thrifter to this day, but my sense of style has been greatly shaped by brands like Hill House Home, Brandy Melville, Los Angeles Apparel, Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters, Abercrombie, LoveBonito, and MANGO. Knowing my preferred silhouettes and clothing colors, it’s a lot easier for me to sift through pages of online storefronts or physical clothing racks.

Remember how I said that a confident woman can carry her femininity through pretty much any article of clothing? Here is your key to nailing that confidence every time: posture! There’s a certain je ne sais quoi about a woman with good posture that looks like it was crafted by ballet classes from a young age. I can recall, during my first several years in ballet, being tapped with a ruler by my Russian ballet teacher and barked at to stand up straight, as though I was a marionette doll with a string attached to the crown of my head.

You too should be imagining that little marionette string pulling your head high up into the heavens, straightening your spine, and rolling your shoulders back. In my grungier era, I disregarded this cardinal rule of femininity, but once I began my feminine transformation, I remembered just how transformative good posture can be. Now, I firmly believe that a woman wearing average clothes but carrying herself with good posture could look better than a woman in couture who is slouched and slobbish.

I Started Spending More Time with Other Women

One final practical tip I have for any woman looking to escape feminist dogma and lean into her identity as a woman is to actually spend more time with other like-minded women. Yes, yes, I hear you, easier said than done! Not every girl is blessed with strong sisterhood in her own family or given the opportunity to create sisterhood through sororities or collegiate service organizations. So, developing a vibrant rolodex of female friends to confide in, celebrate life, or enjoy the mundane with isn’t so straightforward.

But, I have to admit, in my “feminist” days, I wasn’t surrounding myself with women who could contribute to a positive support system. I was emotionally downtrodden, but many of my female friendships felt toxic or strained, so I turned to guys to replace that companionship. I had major “not-like-other-girls” syndrome since I didn’t think I could identify as feminine and therefore felt right at home as “one of the guys.”

What I really needed – which has taken years to cultivate and I’m still continually improving on – was women in my life who could be positive role models. Women who lived by strong moral convictions but could still let loose and engage in silly banter with me. 

I didn’t need to join in “tradwife” spheres where women are expected to be puritanical or turn their nose up at more traditionally “masculine” hobbies and activities. I needed companionship from women who had guiding values, were thoughtfully curious about the world around them, had a good sense of humor, and could be honest with me.

Thankfully, through writing for Evie, meeting other like-minded women through college and work over the years, becoming closer with my female in-laws, and yes – meeting many wonderful women in online communities – I now feel much more secure in my own femininity by spending more time with other women.

But I won’t lie, it can be quite difficult to make friends as an adult. Some tried and true ways you can make new friends include, but are not limited to, taking continuing education classes, art classes, dance or group fitness classes, joining local Facebook or Instagram groups, attending a women’s group at your local church or synagogue, volunteering in your community, attending supper clubs or classy nightlife venues, and even hanging out in coworking spaces if you’re a remote worker.

Do I still hang out with “the guys”? Well, of course! My husband and I share a lot of friends, and I’ve always maintained the perspective that women and men can indeed have platonic friendships. But I’m through with the chronic “not-like-other-girls” mindset and am happy to embrace the fact that, yes, in some ways, I may in fact be just like the other girls.

Closing Thoughts

In all honesty, this list of tips and tricks to boost your own feminine energy is non-exhaustive. The journey of a woman from a typically-gendered upbringing, to rejecting her femininity and buying into feminist dogma, and then escaping the herd isn’t one that can be easily summed up in anything short of a book. 

But, it would be a shame for me to gatekeep the practical ways that I have improved upon my femininity so that other women can gain inspiration. I’m certainly not the perfect image of femininity and likely never will be, but I’ve achieved a realistic and attainable identity as a woman that I believe many, many other young girls and women alike could embrace as well.

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