How To Open Up Your Vagina And Heal From Vaginismus On Your Own For Less Than $70

Hours earlier, she had stood at the altar before God, family, and friends, clothed head to toe in white, exchanging vows with the man she loved. Now, she lay in the honeymoon suite, topless, as her husband of eight hours gently unhooked her lace bra, becoming the first man to ever see her naked breasts. After 24 years, she was finally moments away from losing her virginity. In the lead-up to the wedding, she had imagined this moment over and over, expecting the overwhelming passion promised by movies, TV shows, and pop culture. But instead of the wave of sexual desire she had anticipated, she found herself trembling uncontrollably.

Disclaimer: This article is intended for readers 18 and older. It contains explicit adult content and is intended for educational purposes for married women only. Reader discretion is advised.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly. “Yeah! Just nerves,” she insisted with a forced smile. Stop shaking, stupid! she screamed inwardly, desperate to will her body into submission. But despite her best efforts to relax, her body betrayed her. Her muscles remained clenched, and no amount of foreplay, lube, or her husband’s tender patience could change the fact that her body simply would not respond. Her vagina refused to open. What was supposed to be a night of passion, romance, and joy became a night filled with tears, apologies, and quiet cuddling. It would take over a year – 14 months, one week, and three days – before she would finally have sex with her husband for the first time. The kicker? The actual healing process only took 5 weeks, a bottle of lube, and a set of dilators from Amazon – all purchased for less than $70. Ignorance is not bliss!

I told this story in another article on overcoming sexual shame. At the time, I focused on the cause. Now, as promised, I’m going to tell you how she overcame it and how you can too. 

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You're Not Alone, I've Got You

Countless women have suffered silently because a resource like this article didn’t exist when they needed it. Even more tragic are the women who saved themselves for marriage, had high expectations for a sexually beautiful wedding night, and were shocked when the moment came and they physically could not open. It’s painful, confusing, and heartbreaking. I’m here to break that cycle.

Vaginismus is much more common than you might think, yet it’s rarely talked about because it can feel embarrassing, shameful, and like you’re the rare girl who physically can’t have sex. It can lead to feelings of isolation or that you’re failing at being a “good wife.” I’m here to tell you that it’s not your fault, we’re going to get through this together, and you deserve to heal at your own pace and ultimately reclaim your body, sexuality, and ability to make love.

Beautiful things are coming, and soon, you will be, too. 

What Is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus occurs when the muscles around the vagina involuntarily contract or tighten, making penetration painful, difficult, or even impossible. It’s a physical response, but it can be triggered by a mix of physical and emotional factors, which is why it often feels so confusing and frustrating to overcome.

For many women, vaginismus feels like a sense of “hitting a wall” during any attempt at penetration, whether it’s during sex, trying to use a tampon, or even during a gynecological exam. Common symptoms include burning, discomfort, and an inability to relax, which makes these everyday moments painful and anxiety-inducing. 

Physical Causes:

• Medical Issues: Vaginismus can be linked to underlying medical conditions like infections, past surgeries, thyroid disorders, or hormone-related illnesses like endometriosis and PCOS that can affect vaginal health, causing dryness, sensitivity, or pain during penetration, which in turn can trigger vaginismus. 

• Pelvic Floor Dysfunction: One of the most common physical causes of vaginismus is pelvic floor dysfunction. When the pelvic muscles are tense or lack proper control, it can lead to involuntary tightening that makes penetration painful or impossible. This might be linked to injury, childbirth, or even chronic muscle tension.

• Hormonal Factors: Hormonal changes, like those caused by menopause, childbirth, or contraceptive use, can contribute to vaginal dryness or increased sensitivity, which may worsen the condition.

Emotional and Psychological Causes:

• Anxiety and Fear: One of the biggest emotional triggers for vaginismus is anxiety. Whether it’s anxiety about pain, fear of penetration, or even performance anxiety, the body responds by tightening the vaginal muscles, making penetration nearly impossible.

• Trauma: Past traumatic experiences – such as sexual abuse, negative medical exams, or emotionally charged early sexual experiences – are common causes of vaginismus. The body holds onto this trauma, and it manifests through involuntary muscle contractions.

• Cultural and Religious Conditioning: Growing up in environments where sex is viewed as shameful, sinful, or taboo can create deep-rooted psychological barriers to sexual pleasure. This often leads to vaginismus, as the mind associates sex with fear or guilt, causing the body to react defensively.

• Self-Pressure: Women may also feel pressure to “perform” or to be “perfect” in their sexual relationships, which can heighten anxiety and reinforce the body’s defensive response.

Physical and emotional factors feed into each other in vaginismus, creating a vicious cycle. 

Physical and emotional factors feed into each other in vaginismus, creating a vicious cycle. The fear of pain causes the body to tighten, which results in painful penetration attempts, which in turn reinforces the fear. This is why addressing both the mind and the body is crucial for overcoming vaginismus.

Different Types of Vaginismus:

• Primary Vaginismus: Some women experience vaginismus their entire lives, struggling with painful or impossible penetration from their very first sexual experience.

• Secondary Vaginismus: Other women develop vaginismus later in life, often after having pain-free sexual experiences. This might happen due to trauma, health changes, or other life events that affect their emotional and physical well-being.

For Married Virgins Experiencing Vaginismus: If you’re a virgin and married, and struggling with vaginismus, there’s a good chance it’s because your vaginal tissues have tightened or become less elastic over time, which can make penetration difficult. Combine that with emotional blocks – like anxiety about the first time or the pressure to perform – and it’s no wonder things aren’t going smoothly. But don’t worry, we’ll work through both the physical and the emotional parts to get you there. 

Now that we’ve addressed the most common and uncommon causes, let’s get to the practical steps to overcome vaginismus. 

Practical Steps To Overcome Vaginismus

Rewire Your Brain for Sex

One of the most crucial aspects of overcoming vaginismus is addressing the emotional barriers that may be holding you back. Fear, shame, or anxiety often contribute to the physical response your body has when it comes to sex, so it’s important to shift how you view intimacy.

Address Emotional Barriers: Start by acknowledging that it's completely normal to feel fear or shame when you've been dealing with pain or confusion around sex. The first step is to recognize that these emotions are valid but also something you can work through. Changing your mindset is a key part of healing, and it’s not about pushing your feelings away but about transforming them.

Overcoming Sexual Shame: For many women, vaginismus can be tied to feelings of shame or guilt around sex – whether it’s due to cultural conditioning, past experiences, or pressure from themselves or others. If this sounds familiar, I encourage you to check out Evie’s article on overcoming sexual shame for deeper insights on how to let go of these emotional blocks. Healing begins with self-compassion and a willingness to explore your thoughts around sex in an open and non-judgmental way.

Positive Affirmations and Visualization: Your brain is a powerful tool in this process, and using affirmations can help shift your perspective on sex. Start incorporating affirmations into your daily routine, such as "I embrace pleasure and intimacy" or "My body deserves love and connection." These can help slowly rewire how you feel about sex, turning it from something associated with fear or discomfort to something filled with pleasure and intimacy.

Another helpful exercise is visualization. Take time to mentally rehearse positive sexual experiences. Imagine yourself enjoying sex, feeling safe, loved, and connected to your husband. Visualizing these scenarios not only helps reduce anxiety but can also create new, positive associations in your mind.

Avoid Forcing Penetration

I get it – you’re both anxious and excited to finally have sex, and you don’t want to make your husband wait forever. But you both need to understand that if you rush or try to force things, it can actually cause long-term damage.

Patience now will prevent further trauma and make long-term healing possible.

A friend of mine tried to force things by having her husband use his fingers to "open her up." It was painful, caused bleeding, and ultimately didn’t work. Worse, it left her with a negative association with being fingered, making the process even harder for her later on. Take it slow, proceed when you’re truly ready, and remember that patience now will prevent further trauma and make long-term healing possible.

Use Lubrication and Dilators To Slowly Open Your Vagina

The most important part of physically overcoming vaginismus is gradually opening the vagina with the right tools. This process takes time, patience, and consistency – but it works. Using dilators, you’ll slowly and gently train your body to relax and open up, preparing for penetrative sex without pain.

Start by getting a set of vaginal dilators that begin very small and increase in size until the largest one is about the girth of your husband’s penis. You’ll also need a high-quality lubricant. While water-based lubes are good, I recommend a premium silicone-based lubricant like Uberlube – it’s the slipperiest option, lasts much longer, and doesn’t dry out quickly, which makes the process much smoother and more comfortable.

Just be sure to check compatibility with your dilators. If you’re using a silicone-based lube, use BPA-free plastic dilators. If you’re using silicone dilators, use a water-based lube. And remember to hand wash or sterilize the dilators to ensure they’re perfectly clean and safe for insertion before each use.

Make It a Daily Practice

For best results, aim to practice once a day, or at least every other day, until you can comfortably insert the largest dilator. Avoid practicing during PMS or your period, when your body may be more sensitive or swollen.

Setting the Right Environment: Getting in the right mindset is just as important as the physical process itself. You can approach this in two different ways:

1. The Arousal Approach: Some women find it helpful to get aroused before using the dilators. Try making out with your husband or sending him a few flirty texts to set the mood. This can help you associate dilator use with pleasure and make your body more responsive.

2. The Calming Approach: If arousal doesn’t feel right for you, focus on creating a serene, peaceful environment instead. Lay on the bed comfortably, play calming instrumental music (think spa vibes), and treat this as a gentle self-care routine. The goal is to be as relaxed as possible.

How To Begin:

• Start Small: Apply plenty of lubricant to both the smallest dilator and yourself. Lay back and insert the dilator slowly, taking deep, calming breaths. Don’t force it – if there’s pain, pause, breathe, and try again later.

• Progress Gradually: Once you’re able to fully insert the smallest dilator without pain, move on to the next size. Over time, your body will adjust. Continue this process, moving up in size only when the previous dilator feels easy and comfortable. Everybody is different, but this process can typically take about a month with daily practice. 

Practice Controlled Breathing Techniques

Breathing is such a simple tool, yet it’s incredibly effective in helping your body relax during this process. Learning how to control your breathing can make a huge difference when using dilators or preparing for penetrative sex.

Deep Breathing Exercises: When you're using a dilator, focus on your breath. Inhale slowly through your nose and exhale gently through your mouth. As you do this, concentrate on releasing any tension in your pelvic muscles. With each exhale, try to consciously relax your body, particularly in the areas where you might be holding tension.

Mindful Relaxation: Breathing mindfully will help you stay present and reduce any anxiety that creeps in. Combine this with positive affirmations or visualization. For example, as you breathe, tell yourself, "My body is capable of pleasure. I am safe. I am relaxed." Visualization is also powerful – imagine your body opening naturally and comfortably, and visualize the moment when penetration will feel effortless.

Pelvic Floor Exercises

Strengthening and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles is an important part of overcoming vaginismus. This will help you become more aware of these muscles and allow you to control them better.

Strengthen and Relax Muscles: Kegel exercises are the key here. Start by tightening your pelvic muscles (as if you’re trying to stop the flow of urine), hold for a few seconds, and then fully release. Practice not only contracting these muscles but also fully relaxing them, which is just as important when working to overcome vaginismus.

Consistency: Make pelvic floor exercises part of your daily routine. Doing them regularly will help you gain better awareness and control over your muscles, which is essential for both relaxation and strengthening.

Maintain Intimacy without Penetrative Sex

Just because you’re working on overcoming vaginismus doesn’t mean your relationship has to lose its physical and emotional spark. There are plenty of ways to stay intimately connected with your husband while you’re on this journey.

Emotional Connection: Closeness comes in many forms. Make an effort to engage in activities that foster emotional connection, like making out, cuddling, or holding hands. These small, meaningful gestures keep the intimacy alive. Even taking a shower together can help build comfort with physical proximity.

Exploring Pleasure: Just because penetration isn’t on the table yet doesn’t mean you can’t explore other ways to feel pleasure. Try engaging in foreplay or non-penetrative sexual activities. Using an external vibrator with your husband can also stimulate arousal and help your body get used to pleasurable sensations. 

Expressing love and maintaining intimacy, even without sex, will help prevent any emotional withdrawal during this time.

Preventing Emotional Distance: It’s easy to let frustration or disappointment create emotional distance, but communication is key. Be sure to talk openly with your husband about how you’re feeling, and make an effort to keep affection and connection a regular part of your relationship. Expressing love and maintaining intimacy, even without sex, will help prevent any emotional withdrawal during this time. 

Becoming a Sexual Expert While You Heal

Don’t waste this time! Just because you’re waiting for penetrative sex doesn’t mean you have to pause your sexual journey. In fact, this is the perfect time to become more sexually literate and use this period to prepare for even better sex in the future. There’s so much you can do to deepen your understanding of your body and how it responds to pleasure.

Learn About Your Body

Now is the time to dive deep into understanding your body. Learn about your menstrual cycle and how your hormones affect everything from your mood to your libido. The more you know about how your body naturally works, the better you’ll understand it in sexual contexts.

Also, get familiar with the sexual response cycle – from arousal, plateau, orgasm, to resolution. Knowing how these phases work will help you navigate sexual pleasure for yourself and with your husband. The better you understand what makes your body tick, the more empowered you’ll feel.

Challenge the Taboo and Commit To Mastering Sex

Let’s tackle the myth that sexual education is unnecessary or that great sex just happens naturally. Sure, animals know how to mate instinctively, but humans are far more complex. While a monkey might figure out the mechanics, mastering true intimacy in a relationship? That takes dedication, practice, and education.

Learning about sex is crucial for a healthy marriage. If we never tried to improve other areas of our lives – work, fitness, or hobbies – we’d stay stagnant. Why should sex be any different? The more you educate yourself, the deeper your intimacy becomes, and the more fulfilling your sexual experiences will be. Use this time to become a sex expert in your marriage, and you’ll be amazed at how much connection and satisfaction grow.

And if anyone tries to tell you that learning about sex is unnecessary or “degenerate,” let’s be honest, that’s probably projection. They could be dealing with a boring or nonexistent sex life and would rather tell you it’s not important than confront their own issues. Ignore them!

Other Possible Treatments for Vaginismus

Most cases I’m familiar with were overcome with lube, dilators, and mental work like affirmations, visualization, and reframing associations to sex. If dilators and mental work aren’t enough, don’t worry! There are additional treatments that can help you overcome more extreme cases of vaginismus. 

1. Botox Injections: Botox can be injected into the vaginal muscles to temporarily paralyze them, reducing involuntary spasms. This allows the muscles to relax and makes penetration easier as you continue working with dilators and therapy.

2. Hormone Therapy: If hormonal imbalances are contributing to vaginal dryness or sensitivity, hormone therapy (such as estrogen creams) can help restore elasticity and reduce pain.

3. Trigger Point Injections: If pelvic floor muscle knots or spasms are causing pain, trigger point injections can help release the tension and improve muscle function.

4. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a form of talk therapy that helps address anxiety, fear, or trauma that may be contributing to vaginismus. It’s especially helpful for reframing negative thoughts around sex and intimacy.

5. Sex Therapy: A licensed sex therapist can guide you and your husband through the emotional aspects of vaginismus, helping you address relationship dynamics, communication, and anxiety about sex.

Visualizing the Day of Success

I promise you that if you do the work, it’s only a matter of time before you have pain-free penetrative sex. It’s one of the most amazing human experiences life has to offer, and you deserve all the pleasure it brings. Start today by visualizing in vivid detail the day of success. Imagine the final dilator going in with ease, and you excitedly tell your husband you’re ready. Picture the scene. Feel the excitement and joy. Create a wonderful sexual experience in your mind and hold onto that. Soon, it will be your reality.