How To Know When You’re Ready To Have Kids

You may have always wanted to start a family, or you may feel surprised that you’re wanting them now, having never previously given it serious thought. Regardless of your position, wanting to bring kids into this world – no matter what anyone else says – is a completely natural and healthy human behavior.

When you’re facing such a big decision, it can become tempting to overcomplicate the matter. You might start breaking out bank statements or constructing a complex timeline of where and when to get pregnant. While wanting to be prepared to bring a baby into the best home possible comes from a good place, you and your husband might soon get discouraged by the self-imposed litany of requirements you have to meet before things can happen. There are some serious questions you may need to answer, but overall, how to know when you’re ready to have kids is as simple as acknowledging a few fundamental pieces of information about yourself. 

Questions To Ask Yourself

Some signs that you’re ready to have kids are more subtle than others. Maybe you find yourself subconsciously walking through the baby clothes section at Target every time you’re there (who among us hasn’t) or being extra chatty with your mom friends and loving on their little ones. Others are less subtle – maybe you miss a period and think hopefully “Could this be it?” only to feel disappointed when you get a negative pregnancy test.

The best way to describe knowing when you’re ready to have kids is a yearning feeling. For some, it’s a slight tugging sensation within yourself, and for others, it’s a more painful realization. However you experience it, you know that it’s time to start the journey.

You might feel inclined to let technicalities bog you down, but first and foremost, this is an exciting time, and you’re allowed to be excited. Some amount of practicality should enter into your decision, but don’t let each and every thing you think you need (or others tell you that you need) factor into putting off having kids.

First off, there’s the financial aspect, which is admittedly important to any family, but having kids isn’t necessarily as expensive as you think. You don’t need $1,000 strollers or brand-new baby clothes. Tons of families have children well below what we think their income should be. But you have to be smart with your money. If your inclination is to spend money on several vacations a year or new cars, having a child will be a huge learning curve. Also consider if there are other potential impediments in your way, like a hefty mortgage or student loan debt. No matter what you make, though, it can be done.

Secondly, who lives close to you? Will you have in-laws and parents nearby to help out? Having help nearby when you need it is an invaluable part of parenthood, but not everyone is lucky to have it. If you don’t have family nearby, do you have close friends who’d be willing to pitch in if you needed it? Could your living space accommodate one more person, or would you be willing to downsize or upgrade if you needed to?

Another aspect to consider is the readiness of your spouse. It goes without saying that both of you should be on the same page about starting a family, and if you’re not, there’s not much you can do to force them to be ready. If they have misgivings about having kids, which many people do, those need to be addressed. Additionally, if you think that having kids will solve issues that are already present in your marriage, think again. Your husband or your children might grow to resent you for using kids as a band-aid, and no child deserves that. In those cases, you’d be better off seeking marriage counseling to get to the heart of what’s really going on. But that doesn't mean that you don’t really want kids or that you’ll never have them someday.

Finally, you have to consider your dreams and your goals. If you’re in love with your career and couldn’t even think of leaving to have a baby, that’s something you have to tackle. You’ll also have to consider how your workplace supports and treats working moms. Something to keep in mind is that you have the rest of your life to work, but having kids, especially as a woman, isn’t something you can wait forever on. If you’re planning to stay home full-time, make sure your spouse is supportive and that you have hobbies and pastimes for yourself beyond taking care of your kids. Making this decision requires a lot of self-awareness and honesty, but it’s worth it. 

Make a Decision Sooner Rather Than Later

Our self-obsessed and materialistic culture overwhelmingly platforms carefree and proudly childless couples, but we rarely, if ever, hear from individuals who regret not having kids. What they have to say is something to earnestly consider while you’re on this journey.

One such individual is Candace Bushnell. Bushnell is a columnist, writer, and feminist figurehead most recognized for creating the widely popular Sex and the City, which ran on HBO from the late ‘90s into the early 2000s. Bushnell’s heroine (or anti-heroine, depending on whom you ask), Carrie Bradshaw, is a sexually liberated thirty-something who devotes more energy to buying designer handbags and bedding boorish men than she does giving thought to settling down. What’s interesting, though, is that Carrie’s strings-free lifestyle is distinctly contrasted with her friend Charlotte York’s. Charlotte spends much of the series trying to find a man to marry, and the latter half of the series trying to get pregnant and adopting. She even divorces her first husband after discovering that he’s impotent.

Although Carrie eventually settles down at the conclusion of the show, as did Bushnell, kids don’t factor into her life. The original series ended there, and before the reboot And Just Like That… was ever announced, diehard fans probably wondered whatever became of Carrie and her real-life counterpart. In 2019, Bushnell turned 60 and publicly shared major regrets about her life. Describing herself, post-divorce, as “truly alone” and past middle age, Bushnell said, “I started to see the impact of not having children and of truly being alone. I do see that people with children have an anchor in a way that people who have no kids don’t.” She also said that having kids and starting a family was never something she even thought about in her thirties and forties.

Time is very clearly an important factor when it comes to women who regret not having children. Fertility declines as you age, not to mention that trying to conceive later in life can be costly and emotionally and physically strenuous. We may think that women are the only ones harboring regrets, but men lament not having a chance at parenthood too.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a therapist and Ph.D. well-known for his therapeutic approaches to self-help and personal growth, as well as personal relationships. But even an expert in his field recognizes that he made serious mistakes in his personal life, as he shared two years ago with Psychology Today. Dr. Goldsmith writes that throughout his adult life, he had several romantic relationships with women who had children, and he even played “dad” to those kids. But he felt that having had an abusive childhood and being a highly regarded professional in his field, he’d have more time to devote to his work if he didn't have children.

“I made a choice, and in hindsight at this point in my life, I believe the effort, the pain and tears, the fear and the financial burden, all the difficult parts that I missed out on – along with the many joys of parenthood – would have been worth it,” he writes. “I want to share this with those people who have made their decision. Please don’t carve it in stone. Just take a look at what you could be missing. A trip around the world, or any great experience, cannot match the love of your child.”

There’s little else that’s more agonizing than looking back on your life and having enormous regrets about choices you’ve made. If there’s one thing to be said about deciding whether or not to have kids, it’s that time isn’t going to wait for you. You can spend years of your life tip-toeing around the issue or going back and forth on it, but when it comes down to it, making this decision too soon rather than too late is the better bet.

Accept This One Truth

Parenthood requires the biggest commitment of selflessness you will ever give in your life. And it doesn’t end when your kids turn 18 or leave your house – parenthood is a lifelong dedication. You might find your kids needing you more at 25 than they did at 15, and that’s okay. Our kids don’t stop being our babies once they grow up.

You can do research into your egg reserves or balance your budget all you want. The thing to really know about getting ready to have kids is that you’ll never be ready. In many ways, having a baby is like getting married. No amount of preparation will prepare you for what you’re about to face.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t do any preparation at all. The more, the better, in fact. But don’t wait on some arbitrary timeline of “being ready” to have kids. It doesn’t really exist. There’s no magic age, magic amount of income, or perfect zip code you have to live in to have kids. Couples that are in their early twenties are just as capable of having kids as older couples. Everyone’s situation looks different, but everyone is capable of having kids. 

Once you accept that you’ll never really be fully ready, you can surrender yourself to the freedom and excitement that parenthood brings. Starting a family is scary, but it’s also thrilling and life-affirming. Your bond with your spouse will grow, and your outlook on the world might change for the better. 

If you wait to have kids once you can afford them or can send them to the best schools or can buy the best minivan, you’re making trivial excuses that could very well hold you back from starting a family at the right time. You might need all those things to feel more secure, or you might have been told that you need all of those things, but will your child notice for the first years of their life? Not at all. You need a loving home and two committed parents who are all in on making not only their marriage, but their family, last. You need the urge to grow your family and share your love with another person. Start out with these, and everything else you need will become much clearer. With these basic things, you can’t go far wrong. 

Closing Thoughts

If you can’t go another day without aching to add to your family, no matter what or how much you might have to sacrifice, you’re ready to have kids. Once you’ve decided to grow your family, you have time to ponder all the practicalities, and believe it or not, it will become clear what you really need and what you don’t. There might be a million reasons to wait, but there are no good ones that will keep you from feeling what you’re feeling or knowing that you need to be a mom.

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