How To Manage Your Expectations So You Can Stop Feeling Disappointed Every Christmas

Every day, we’re filled with expectations. Expectations for work, friendships, and gifts from our loved ones. These expectations have a tendency to culminate during the Christmas season and the end of the year. It’s meant to be the season of love, laughs, and making memories. But often, we experience loneliness, disappointment, and FOMO.

Not only that, globally, we’re facing hard times. The repercussions of Covid lockdowns are still piling up, the cost of living has soared, and again, conflict has heightened in the Middle East. With everything going on in our lives and around the world, it’s hard to stay positive as we head into the holidays and not be disappointed – especially considering the highlight reels we’re consistently consuming on social media of picture-perfect lives. So, how can we avoid feeling disappointed this holiday season?

1. Embrace Imperfection

Life isn’t an idyllic Hallmark movie, which is why the key to avoiding holiday disappointment lies in embracing imperfection. “Instead, find joy in the messy, unscripted moments,” says Amanda Phillips, Chief Editor at The Mental Desk. 

You may have small children who, understandably, throw temper tantrums because they feel tired and overstimulated. Or maybe you've spent hours, days, and weeks planning the perfect visit to "Santa's Workshop" when your newborn falls asleep as the attendant calls your name to come up next. Maybe you planned the cutest photoshoot at your local tree farm for your Christmas card and it starts pouring down rain as you're headed out the door. Life isn't perfect and as much as we've been building up these moments in our minds, sometimes (oftentimes) they just don't go quite like we imagined. Everyone experiences moments like this, even if you don't see it in their perfectly curated Instagram photo. Sometimes in these scenarios, you simply must remind yourself to laugh so you don't cry. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean our kids are going to magically behave like angels or the weather won't totally throw off our plans.

Often, the most memorable moments over the holidays come from unplanned, imperfect moments – like when the turkey burned last Thanksgiving, but everyone ended up laughing and making sandwiches instead. “It’s about connection, not perfection. ... Redefine what a 'perfect' holiday looks like. It's not about the flawless dinner or the expensive gifts. It's about being real with each other, even if that means admitting we're struggling. That's where true holiday magic lies,” Phillips says.

2. Set Appropriate Expectations

It’s so easy to romanticize the days between Thanksgiving and New Year's as a magical, whimsical season that will somehow cure our every relationship and day-to-day challenge. So, to avoid disappointment this holiday season, set appropriate expectations. Things will go wrong, so it’s critical to clarify what you can control and accept what you can’t.

Licensed counselor Mark Verber recommends creating a wish list and a to-do list to manage your expectations. “Take a few minutes to sit down and write out two lists. First, in the spirit of the holidays, make a ‘wish list’ for how you would like things to go. Instead of ‘expecting’ anything, wishes are desires without assumption. This reframe can be liberating as it allows people to be more aspirational, while also letting go of problematic presumptions.”

Choose to focus only on what you can control – yourself.

“The second list should be a ‘to do’ list of specific actions you can take to achieve your wishes. The exercise helps to clarify goals, distinguish what is within someone’s control versus outside of it, and empowers people to take ownership and action towards desired outcomes,” says Verber. So an example might be “getting into the Christmas spirit” on your wish list, and then deciding which specific Christmasy activities you want to do and scheduling them now for the “to do” part.

Remember, it’s important to only set expectations for yourself. Setting them for others, like anticipating the most thoughtful, romantic Christmas gift from your boyfriend or husband, means you’re putting expectations on others that you have no control over. Don't let TikTok make you believe that every girl received a new Chanel bag and a handwritten love note under the tree on Christmas Eve while you got yet another pair of fuzzy socks with the price tag still attached. This way of thinking is going to inevitably lead to disappointment. Instead, choose to focus only on what you can control – yourself.

3. Deal with Your FOMO

The holidays are typically a time to come together with family and friends, but throughout the year, you may have gone through lots of changes. Maybe you moved to a new location, and you still haven’t found a group of friends to hang out with. So, if you’re still finding your feet in a new city, or your friends are all married and have their own families to take care of, you may feel a little left out. To overcome feelings of FOMO, try the below recommendations.

Take a Social Media Break

A 2018 study at the University of Pennsylvania found that limiting social media decreased loneliness and depression in a group of 143 college students. Half of the participants cut their social media use to 30 minutes per day, while the other half continued their normal usage. After three weeks, the limited use group had significantly lower levels of loneliness and depression.

Alternatively, if you don’t feel like you can take a complete social media break, try muting accounts that make you feel inadequate.

It’s important to note that not all studies reach the same conclusions. For example, another study found shy and depressive individuals benefited from increased social media use. You know yourself best, so do what works for you.

Relish the Joy of Missing Out

Lots of fun things happen every single day, and sometimes, you’re not invited. That’s why it’s better to accept you’re missing out and there’s nothing you can do about it. Blogger and entrepreneur Anil Dash believes we should relish in the fact, coining the term the “Joy of Missing Out.” 

When you miss out on things, you have more time to spend on other important aspects of your life.

When you miss out on things, you have more time to spend on other important aspects of your life, like spending time with your grandparents, seeing your nephew, taking up a new hobby, or reading that book that's been on your nightstand all year.

Create Moments of Happiness Wherever You Can

Even on the best days, there will still be negative moments. That’s why it’s essential to focus on the positives and be grateful for what you have, not what others appear to have. By choosing to avoid conflict and being kind to yourself and others – even though you may not want to be – you can create a larger number of positive moments to lift your holiday spirit.

It may seem a little cliché by now, but keeping a gratitude journal and writing down the positives in your life really will help you to focus on the good things in your life, not the bad.

Closing Thoughts

I’m sure, like me, you had a lot of expectations at the start of 2023. And at this time of year, I have a habit of looking back at all the things I wanted to do but didn’t get around to. I planned on reading so many books this year, which was just a small goal of mine, but instead, I was too consumed by dating and drama (and social media) to find the time. I could easily look back at this year and count my failures, but instead, I’m going to focus on all the moments I loved. That way, I won’t be disappointed, feeling sorry for myself as the clock approaches midnight on New Year's Eve.

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