Is Sexual Shame Leading To Vaginismus? 11 Signs You're Suffering And How To Overcome It

Now, she lay in the honeymoon suite, topless, as her husband of eight hours gently unhooked her lace bra, becoming the first man to ever see her naked breasts. After 24 years, she was finally moments away from losing her virginity. In the lead-up to the wedding, she had imagined this moment over and over, expecting the overwhelming passion promised by movies, TV shows, and pop culture. But instead of the wave of sexual desire she had anticipated, she found herself trembling uncontrollably.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah! Just nerves,” she insisted with a forced smile. Stop shaking, stupid! she screamed inwardly, desperate to will her body into submission. But despite her best efforts to relax, her body betrayed her. Her muscles remained clenched, and no amount of foreplay, lube, or her husband’s tender patience could change the fact that her body simply would not respond. Her vagina refused to open.

What was supposed to be a night of passion, romance, and joy became a night filled with tears, apologies, and quiet cuddling. It would take over a year – 14 months, one week, and three days – before she would finally have sex with her husband for the first time.

This isn’t some exaggerated cautionary tale; it’s a real story, one that happened to a friend. I could tell you how she overcame it, but that’s a story for another time. What I want to explore today is why this happened in the first place, because this situation isn’t an anomaly. It's a quiet epidemic.

A Quiet Epidemic 

Women from conservative religious backgrounds often grow up viewing sex as a one-dimensional sin. Pop culture and secular media might glamorize sex, but within the walls of their homes and many churches, it’s portrayed as something degenerate, a tool of moral corruption, with little thought to the importance of differentiating between sex itself and what the Bible refers to as “fornication.” Unless, of course, you were married. Then, sex was acceptable, even necessary, but mainly for procreation. Talking about it? Forbidden. Sexual curiosity? Dangerous, tantamount to Eve biting into the forbidden fruit. 

The problem? No one prepares these women for what happens when, after years of repression, the moment arrives. When the mind is finally saying "yes," but the body is stuck on "no." Because when you've spent your life being taught to fear sex, it's not just your mind that absorbs the lesson…your body does too. The brain is remarkably adept at creating deep-rooted connections, and when sex has been framed as something to be avoided at all costs, those roots can go so deep that your body reacts with fear when it should be feeling desire. That’s what happened to my friend, and it’s what happens to so many other women.

In contrast, I’m so grateful that my own experience was drastically different. My mother, with her European sensibilities, was wonderfully feminine, deeply in touch with her sensuality, and had a beautiful relationship with my father. From the time she first gave me "the talk" to our candid discussions throughout my teenage years, she framed sex and pleasure in marriage as something beautiful, something I could look forward to with joy and excitement. Over the years, I’ve realized just how rare and precious this perspective truly was.

Historical and Cultural Context of Sexual Shame

Many women, especially those brought up in traditional Christian households, have unknowingly absorbed a deep-seated sense of shame around sex. It’s as if there’s this ever-present whisper in the back of our minds, quietly insisting that wanting, desiring, or fully enjoying sex is somehow "dirty" or wrong. But when we peel back the layers, we can see that these beliefs are more rooted in culture than in Scripture. Yes, I’m going to focus on the Christian/Catholic girlies because they tend to experience this the most.

While the early Church focused on the procreative aspect of sex, it also acknowledged that sex within marriage should bring pleasure.

As someone raised by Christian parents and someone who is dedicating her life to the study and practice of human sexuality, trust me when I say the discomfort or guilt you may feel isn’t something inherently biblical. Rather, it’s a product of historical interpretations, societal expectations, and centuries of misunderstanding the true beauty and sacredness of sexual intimacy. The Bible, when carefully studied, often emphasizes love, connection, and the sanctity of sex within marriage, and so do the famous theologians. So, this feeling that sexual pleasure is something to be ashamed of? It's not coming from God, it’s coming from cultural norms that have twisted what was meant to be celebrated.

By understanding this, we can start to unburden ourselves from these unnecessary feelings of guilt and begin embracing our sexuality in a way that is pure, joyful, and deeply connected to who we are as women.

Early Church vs. Victorian and Puritan-Influenced Attitudes

In the early Church, sex within marriage was often viewed as sacred – a beautiful and integral part of God’s design for human relationships. Early Christian writers, such as St. John Chrysostom and St. Augustine, recognized sex as not only for procreation but also as a means of fostering love, unity, and pleasure between husband and wife. Chrysostom, for example, celebrated the role of marital love as a way for couples to grow in unity, both physically and spiritually. He described sexual intimacy as a gift from God meant to be enjoyed within marriage, helping to build emotional and spiritual closeness between spouses.

While the early Church focused on the procreative aspect of sex, it also acknowledged that sex within marriage should bring pleasure, which was not seen as sinful but as part of the mutual love and affection between husband and wife. This view promoted a holistic understanding of marriage, where sex was a way to express love and deepen the marital bond.

However, over time, these positive views of sex shifted. By the Victorian era, society had begun layering sex with a sense of shame, especially for women. Sexual pleasure was often seen as something to be hidden or ashamed of. This distortion of sex within marriage can also be traced back to the influence of Puritanism in early American Christianity. The Puritans promoted a view of sexual desire as something that needed to be tightly controlled, even within marriage. Although they valued marriage and recognized the importance of sex for procreation, pleasure was often viewed with suspicion as something that could lead to moral corruption if not restrained.

This Puritan legacy extended into later Protestant movements and shaped the moral outlook of religious groups, including the Seventh-Day Adventists. Figures like John Harvey Kellogg, an Adventist physician, believed that sexual desire was harmful to both physical and spiritual health. Kellogg promoted dietary reforms (like bland foods such as cornflakes) to suppress sexual urges.

Kellogg’s ideas, though not directly linked to Puritanism, shared the same Protestant ethos of sexual restraint and moral discipline. Both movements contributed to a culture of sexual repression that strayed far from the early Christian understanding of sex as a sacred and pleasurable act within marriage.

In Theological Anthropology (the belief that humans are created in the image of God), it’s believed that our bodies and their capacities reflect God's intention for us to experience life fully, including through pleasure and intimate connection. When we look at how our bodies are designed, how they have the capacity to experience incredible pleasure, we can see that sex isn’t just about procreation or fulfilling a duty. It’s also about intimacy and joy. The fact that our bodies are capable of feeling such immense pleasure is evidence that God intended it to be a major part of our human experience.

Fornication vs. Sex

Let’s clear up a crucial distinction: Sex, in and of itself, is not biblically sinful. The notion that sexual desire is inherently wrong stems from a misunderstanding of the context in which sex was designed to thrive. When the Bible speaks of fornication – sex outside  marriage – it is deemed sinful not because sex itself is bad, but because it removes something sacred, intimate, and deeply vulnerable from the protective and loving framework of marriage.

Sex within marriage is an entirely different story. It’s celebrated in Scripture as an expression of love and unity. Look at Genesis 2:24, where it says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This passage isn't just about physical connection; it’s about emotional and spiritual oneness. The act of sex within marriage reflects God’s design for human intimacy – a deep communion that mirrors the love He has for us: intimate, self-giving, and life-affirming.

Sexual pleasure, far from being taboo or sinful, is affirmed as a beautiful part of God’s design, intended to draw couples closer.

And if you need further proof of how sex is meant to be cherished within marriage, look no further than 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. This passage shows that sex is a beautiful act of mutual care and devotion, where both spouses are encouraged to give and receive pleasure without reservation. It speaks to the importance of not withholding from each other, reinforcing the idea that sex is meant to be a source of joy and satisfaction for both. Seeking pleasure within marriage isn’t something to feel guilty about, it’s God’s way of allowing couples to bond on every level: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The issue is not with sexual desire itself; it becomes problematic and risky only when it is misdirected outside the safety, love, and commitment of marriage. On a purely practical level, casual or uncommitted sex can introduce emotional complications, trust issues, and physical risks that undermine the very intimacy and fulfillment we seek.

Sexuality as a Divine Gift

Considered one of the greatest Christian reflections on human sexuality and intimacy, Theology of the Body by Pope St. John Paul II provides profound insights into how our bodies are meant to express love. It presents sexuality not merely as a physical instinct but as a way of communicating total self-giving love within marriage. According to this teaching, sexual union between a husband and wife is a sacred act designed by God, reflecting the deep and intimate love that mirrors divine love.

In marriage, sex becomes an expression of vulnerability, trust, self-gift, and unconditional commitment. This intimate connection is not only physical but spiritual, allowing spouses to participate in a deeper unity. Furthermore, sexual pleasure, far from being taboo or sinful, is affirmed as a beautiful part of God’s design, intended to draw couples closer.

Understanding Female Pleasure and Orgasm in God’s Design

Let’s take a moment to appreciate something truly remarkable: The female body was masterfully designed with the ability to experience immense pleasure – orgasm included – and it’s not even necessary for making babies. Think about that. The clitoris, a part of your body with no function other than to bring joy, tells us something profound: Our Creator intended for women to enjoy sex, not just endure it.

The female body is designed not only to create life but to experience deep pleasure. This isn’t some random biological quirk. It’s part of an obviously loving design for intimacy. Female pleasure, especially within marriage, is something to be celebrated, not shamed. When we understand this, it becomes easier to release any lingering guilt or discomfort around sexual desire and embrace it for what it truly is: a divine gift.

And here’s the extraordinary part: Female orgasm serves no biological purpose when it comes to procreation. Unlike male orgasm, which is essential for reproduction, female orgasm exists purely for pleasure. The clitoris, with its 8,000 nerve endings, is a testament to this. God didn’t design sex to be purely functional. He designed it to bring joy, connection, and pleasure.

God didn’t just create you to fulfill a purpose – He created you to live, love, and celebrate your body fully.

Within marriage, orgasm becomes a beautiful expression of love and intimacy. It’s not just about physical satisfaction; it’s about deepening the emotional bond with your husband. For him, the act of bringing you pleasure is a powerful way to serve you intimately, to give back in a vulnerable, meaningful way. It’s not about taking turns or fulfilling obligations, it’s about celebrating the joy and pleasure of sex.

The fact that your body was designed to experience such pleasure speaks volumes about God’s intentions for you. He didn’t just create you to fulfill a purpose – He created you to live, love, and celebrate your body fully. Female pleasure is His gift to you.

How To Know If You Suffer from Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can be tricky to identify because it often shows up in subtle ways – both in your thoughts and in how your body responds to intimacy. You might not even realize it’s there, quietly influencing your relationship with sex and pleasure. Here’s a guide to help you understand if sexual shame is affecting your intimacy:

Psychological and Emotional Signs

• Guilt after Sex: Even in the safe, loving context of marriage, do you find yourself feeling guilty or "dirty" after sex? That sense of unease might stem from internalized beliefs that sex is shameful, even when it’s meant to be a beautiful expression of love.

• Discomfort Thinking About Sex: Does just the thought of sex, or even imagining sexual pleasure, make you uncomfortable? Maybe it brings up anxiety or even disgust, making it difficult to embrace the idea of intimacy.

• Fear of Being Judged: Do you worry that expressing sexual desires – being open about what you want – might make your husband or others judge you? This fear can hold you back from truly experiencing the freedom and joy of sexual intimacy.

• Feeling Unworthy of Pleasure: Do you struggle with the idea that you deserve pleasure? Maybe it feels like something that’s not meant for you, or you find it hard to accept that your body was created to experience sexual delight.

• Avoiding Sexual Conversations: Do you avoid talking about sex with friends or even your spouse? If conversations about intimacy make you anxious, awkward, or embarrassed, this could be a sign of underlying shame.

Physical Signs

• Tension in the Body: Do you notice tightness or tension in your body, especially in your pelvic area, during sex or even when intimacy is discussed? Maybe your muscles tighten, your fists clench, or your whole body feels stiff when you think about or engage in sex.

• Involuntary Reactions: Have you ever felt an unsettling physical reaction to the idea of sex? Tightness in your stomach, nausea, or the urge to pull away from touch, even when your husband initiates intimacy? These visceral reactions can be clues that your body is holding onto sexual shame.

• Difficulty Reaching Orgasm: Do you find it hard to relax enough to reach orgasm? It might feel distant, elusive, or even unattainable, as if your mind and body are struggling to fully embrace pleasure.

Cognitive Signs

• Negative Thoughts About Sex: When you’re being intimate, do you catch yourself thinking things like, “This is wrong,” or “I shouldn’t enjoy this,” or “Sex is only for procreation, not for pleasure?” These thoughts may be a sign that sexual shame is clouding your experience of intimacy.

• Judging Your Desires: Do you feel like having sexual desires, even for your husband, is wrong? Maybe you find yourself second-guessing whether it’s okay to feel desire at all, questioning whether it’s sinful or inappropriate to want sexual connection.

• Fear of Corruption: Do you ever worry that enjoying sex too much might make you impure, or lead you away from your faith? This fear might be rooted in past teachings or cultural influences that frame sexual pleasure as something dangerous or corrupting.

The Psychological Science of Rewiring the Brain

So you’ve begun to recognize the truth: Sex is a beautiful gift in your marriage. But sometimes, knowing this in your head doesn’t always match how you feel deep down. Many women find themselves in this uncomfortable space – understanding intellectually that sex is good, yet feeling a visceral discomfort when it comes to actually embracing their sexuality. This disconnect? It’s rooted in the brain. But here’s the good news: You can change it, thanks to the power of neuroplasticity.

The Power of Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to form new neural pathways, to rewire itself. Over the years, your brain may have developed strong connections that associate sex with negative emotions like guilt, shame, or fear, particularly if you grew up absorbing shame-based messages about intimacy. These neural pathways become so ingrained that even though you know sex is meant to be a joyful experience in marriage, your brain still triggers those old, uncomfortable feelings.

But here’s the beautiful part: Just like your brain learned to make those negative associations, it can also learn to undo them and form new, positive connections. With intention and time, you can reprogram your mind to link sex with the love, romance, joy, and pleasure that it was designed for.

By intentionally focusing on positive, life-affirming beliefs about intimacy, you can reshape the way your brain responds to sex.

Neuroplasticity works for everyone, and you’ve probably already seen it in action in other parts of your life. Think about it: If you’ve ever conquered a fear, broken a bad habit, or learned something new, you’ve experienced neuroplasticity. The same principle applies to how you view sex. By intentionally focusing on positive, life-affirming beliefs about intimacy, you can reshape the way your brain responds to sexual thoughts and experiences. It’s not just a theory, it’s science, and it’s a path to healing the disconnect between what you know about sex and how you feel about it.

Overcoming Negative Conditioning

Now that you understand the power of neuroplasticity, it’s time to put it into action. Here are some practical tools to help you begin to rewire your brain and break free from negative conditioning around sex:

Gratitude Exercises

Gratitude is a simple but incredibly powerful way to shift your mindset. Daily affirmations can start to reshape how your brain processes your relationship with sex and pleasure. Try speaking these affirmations aloud, even if they feel a bit awkward at first:

• “I thank God for creating my body to experience pleasure.”

• “Passionate sex with my husband is a gift, meant to strengthen our bond.”

• “My sexual pleasure is a natural and wonderful part of God’s design.”

As you repeat these or your own custom affirmations over time, they’ll begin to sink in and create new, positive neural pathways. Your mind will start to embrace these truths, gradually dissolving the old, shame-based beliefs.

Visualization

Your brain responds to what you focus on, so visualization can be a powerful healing tool. Set aside quiet moments – whether during meditation or just peaceful reflection – where you actively imagine sex as a beautiful, moral act within your marriage. Visualize moments of erotic love, joy, romance, passion, and pleasure with your husband. Imagine feeling safe, loved, and cherished during sex. This helps to replace negative imagery and rewires your brain to associate sex with positive emotions.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Techniques

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a scientifically proven method for identifying and changing harmful thought patterns, and you can apply a simplified version of it in your own life. When negative thoughts like, “Sex is dirty” or “I should feel ashamed for enjoying this” pop up, consciously challenge them. Replace those thoughts with truths like, “Sex is such a fun, beautiful part of marriage,” or “God designed my body for pleasure.” The more often you reframe these thoughts, the less hold they’ll have over you, breaking the automatic cycle of shame and replacing it with affirmations of God’s design.

Mind-Body Exercises

It’s important to remember that your body holds onto memories just as much as your mind does. That’s why healing requires tuning into your body, not just your thoughts. Techniques like mindfulness, gentle yoga, or breathwork can help you reconnect with your body and release the physical tension that comes from negative conditioning. As you practice, pay attention to the sensations in your body without judgment. Simply staying present in your body, with love and acceptance, is a powerful step toward healing.

Healing from Trauma or Extreme Views

If your relationship with sex has been shaped by trauma or extreme shame-based teachings, it’s important to recognize that you don’t have to navigate healing alone. Seeking professional help is not a sign of spiritual failure; it’s a brave and necessary step toward freedom. A Christian therapist (or one who practices your religion) who understands the integration of faith and sexuality can guide you with the deeper tools and insights needed to move forward. Healing is possible, no matter how deeply these feelings are rooted.

For many Christian women, spiritual healing can be an especially powerful way to overcome sexual shame. Through prayer, reflection, and reconnecting with God’s vision for your body and your marriage, you can begin to embrace your sexuality as a beautiful part of His design. Prayer can open the door to a new understanding of intimacy, free from guilt or shame.

A suggested prayer for healing is: "Lord, heal my mind and body from the shame that has held me back. Help me to see the beauty in Your design for intimacy and pleasure. Let me embrace the joy and connection that sex brings within the bond of marriage. Release me from guilt and allow me to experience the fullness of the love You intended."

In addition to prayer, guided meditation can offer profound support in your healing journey. Take time to reflect on your body as God’s creation, giving thanks for each part, especially those designed for pleasure. As you practice gratitude and acknowledge these parts of yourself as good, you’ll begin to chip away at the shame that has clouded your experience. By reclaiming your body as a vessel of love and connection, you can move closer to the joy and pleasure intended for you in marriage.

Rebuilding Intimacy with Your Husband and Considering Sex Therapy

Healing from sexual shame isn’t something you have to go through alone. In fact, your husband can be a huge part of this journey. Talk to him about what you’re going through. Let him in. When you’re open about your feelings, it builds trust and emotional closeness, which is key to creating a strong foundation for intimacy. And remember, rebuilding that connection doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. Sometimes, it’s about the little things: holding hands, cuddling, or just spending quiet moments together, wrapped up in each other’s arms. These small acts of affection can do wonders for making you feel safe and loved again.

When you embrace your sexual nature and the design for sex in your marriage, the trust, romance, and happiness between you can fully blossom.

But if you find that those feelings of shame or discomfort are still lingering, it might be time to think about seeing a sex therapist. This isn’t about something being "wrong" with you or your relationship. Sex therapy is simply a safe space where you and your husband can explore your intimacy with a little extra guidance. It can help you untangle the emotional baggage or negative beliefs that might still be holding you back and give you both the tools to build a healthy, satisfying sexual connection.

What’s great about sex therapy is that it helps both of you. It’s not just about you trying to overcome shame – it’s about your husband learning how to support you in this process. A therapist can guide you in having deeper conversations, improving emotional intimacy, and finding ways to reconnect physically that feel comfortable for both of you. Sometimes having an expert there to guide those conversations makes it so much easier.

A New Vision for Sex in Marriage

Now that you’ve started releasing the heavy weight of sexual shame, you can step into a new, exciting vision for intimacy in your marriage – one that celebrates sex as a beautiful, pleasurable, and even spiritual act. Embracing the truth that God designed your body for both intimacy and pleasure transforms sex from something shadowed by guilt into an act of love and passion. 

Start to imagine the kind of sex life you want to have with your husband. Picture having a deep emotional and physical connection with your husband where you yearn for each other constantly. Free from shame and judgment, and full of unrestricted passion. When you embrace your sexual nature and the design for sex in your marriage, the trust, romance, and happiness between you can fully blossom. Sex becomes more than a physical act; it becomes the ultimate expression of your love for each other. 

Of course, healing from years of negative conditioning won’t happen overnight. It’s a journey, and that’s perfectly okay. You’ll need patience and time to rewire your thoughts and emotions about sex. But remember, every step forward is a victory. Lean into your faith, your husband, and the truth that God wants you to fully experience the beauty and pleasure He designed for your marriage.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into this journey, start by surrounding yourself with more positive, pleasure-affirming resources. Evie’s sex section has articles written just for women like you, offering detailed, practical guidance on how to embrace your feminine sensuality and the various aspects of experiencing great sex within marriage. Consider exploring books on female sexuality, and try new practices that get you more in touch with your feminine energy – whether it’s dancing, creating art, or simply enjoying the art of self-care.

Closing Thoughts

Sex is a gift – a powerful, beautiful (and insanely fun!) expression of love that transcends the physical. Embrace it as part of your divine purpose in marriage, knowing that this part of life was always meant to be enjoyed and celebrated to the fullest extent. The more you learn about sex, the more you practice technique, the happier your marriage will become. Your journey toward reclaiming your sexuality is a powerful act of love, not just for your husband, but for yourself.