How To Reject A Guy With Class

We’ve all been there. He’s a nice guy, you’ve been having a decent conversation, but he’s just not someone you want to go on a date with. As he starts with the “Hey, can I ask you something?” you start to cringe and want nothing more than to wriggle away from the awkwardness of telling him no. Even worse, you might be tempted to punt the rejection down the road, either by caving into just one date or by telling yourself that maybe he just means he wants to go to dinner and a movie...as friends?

While turning someone down is never easy, it’s often necessary, and it mainly falls on the woman to make sure that the letdown results in as few hurt feelings as possible. Especially if we want to support the kind of dating culture where men actually approach women, we should make sure to treat men in a way that’s clear about our intentions while being as kind as we can. Of course, sometimes that’s easier said than done.

Men Don’t Approach Anymore

If you’re reading this and already laughing to yourself, thinking, “Do men even ask women out anymore?” you’re not crazy. It’s no secret that young people are dating less, are less sexually active, and that men are hesitant to approach women. A recent survey found that, of men between the ages of 18 and 25, a whopping 45% said that they had never approached a woman. Some of this ties into the growing crisis of masculinity, which makes men more likely to stay home watching porn or chatting with AI girlfriends, but a lot of it can actually be traced back to women.

Feminism’s role in dissuading men from approaching women shouldn’t be minimized. It’s not just about women acting like girl bosses or about the dating field being more level than it used to be. The gender war has made a lot of guys rightfully worried they’ll face #MeToo-style accusations just for asking women out, with half of single men saying they avoid approaching women out of fear of being seen as “creepy.” Women certainly can’t be on the hook to solve all of the issues in the dating world, but helping cushion the blow of the inevitable by not making men feel like creeps unnecessarily is something we can work together to accomplish.

Choosing When To Reject

So, when should you actually reject a guy? While it’s good to date with your long-term goals in mind, there’s nothing wrong with just going on a date to get to know someone. Consider saving the outright rejections for when you know off the bat that you truly won’t work with someone, things like being totally unattracted, having conflicting religious beliefs, or other major differences in your life values. Still, if you’re on the fence, it’s worth giving him a shot. One date isn’t a commitment to marry the guy, and you might find yourself surprised, or at least learn more about what you like and dislike in dating.

Ultimately, one of the greatest difficulties Gen Z has in dating is being too risk-averse when it comes to romance. Hookup culture has sold the lie that going on a first date is too much of a commitment, but sleeping with someone the first time you meet them is totally appropriate, because somewhere along the way, we decided that we’d guard access to our hearts more strictly than access to our bodies. If you’re positive that one date would be a waste of time, go ahead and reject the guy. But if any part of you is wondering, what’s the harm in grabbing a coffee, for your sake as much as for his?

Using the Sandwich Method

Whether it’s before or after the first date, rejections happen. Making them land softly is a must, something you can accomplish easily using the “sandwich method.” The sandwich method refers to “sandwiching” a critique or hard news in between compliments, and is often used in corporate workplaces to soften the blow of a rejection.

First, it can help to start off with a thank you. You want to recognize that he went out on a limb and give a nod to the effort, remembering that he put himself out there to ask you out. If nothing else, he just gave you a compliment by asking you out, and you should treat him that way. Oftentimes, this is the hardest part for women to do, because our knee-jerk reaction is to be insulted or even disgusted when a guy who doesn’t feel “up to par” asks us out. While you can’t fault yourself for feeling that way, it is your job to treat him like you would any other suitor, no matter how you feel about him.

Next, make the rejection clear. If you feel bad for the guy, it can be easy to fall into the trap of being so nice that you, well, don’t actually reject him. If you don’t want to go out with a guy, don’t blame being busy with finals, don’t tell him you’re not sure, and certainly avoid breadcrumbing him or leading him on because you like the attention. Let him go by clearly communicating your disinterest; it’s only fair.

Finally, something that’s especially important if the guy is a friend or a close contact is to close the rejection by suggesting how you’d like to interact going forward. This might feel a little unnatural in the moment, but it can save weeks, if not months, of awkwardness, especially if you’re stuck seeing one another in class or at social events in the near future. A simple “We should get a group together to hike soon!” or “Look forward to seeing you at church again!” helps everyone move past the awkwardness and transitions the conversation more naturally by giving you both an out.

The Importance of Being Kind

Many women complain that men don’t approach them anymore, but are quick to shut down the few who do. Some of this is women’s less-than-conscious reaction to men they feel insulted by, but some of it also comes from our treatment of men as expendable. Especially in the age of social media, it’s become common to mock men for their interest publicly. While it’s one thing to expose people who are being creepy and not taking no for an answer, not being interested in a guy isn’t an excuse to put him on blast, dunk on him to his face, or God forbid, post a DM on your social media for some likes. It’s hard enough for men to get the courage to ask women out these days – we shouldn’t ruin the dating pool further by punishing the ones who do.

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