How To Repair Your Relationship With Your Man After An Argument

Of all the things you can experience in a romantic relationship, arguments are one of the least fun. Whether the disagreement feels like it came out of nowhere, or you’ve felt it brewing right underneath the surface for some time, having a heated argument with your boyfriend or husband can make things feel like they’ve gotten off track.

Perhaps neither of you are a stranger to fighting with one another, or maybe you’ve just had your first real argument with him. Maybe one of you said something really hurtful, or maybe both of you did. Either way, afterward, you may be sure how to repair the relationship. You don’t know how to move forward without it feeling awkward and nothing like it did before. But you also can’t do nothing at all.

So how do you patch up your relationship after an argument threatens to tear it down?

Don’t Ignore What Happened

Wouldn’t we all rather not deal with tension? It’s really tempting to sweep our disagreements under the rug and pretend they never happened – especially when we were at fault in some way. We’d rather move on, pretend it never happened, and proceed to our regularly scheduled programming.

But ignoring the argument will only ensure that you’ll be returning to that same conflict in the future because you’re choosing not to talk about it or solve it right now. It’s helpful in the long run to see every disagreement not as a threat to the solidity of your relationship, but as evidence of what needs to be addressed in order for the connection to deepen and strengthen.

Make Room for Your Different Needs

We all have different methods of dealing with conflict. Some of us prefer to jump right into solution talks and rework the conversation until we feel like everything’s been settled. Others might need a little while to themselves to process what they’re thinking or feeling. And when our practice differs from our man’s, a whole new disagreement can arise as we battle it out for whose needs will get met.

It’s important to make room for your different needs during conflict. If you’re the type that likes to solve things immediately but your boyfriend isn’t, then allow him the time he needs to calm down rather than holding him hostage. If you’re the one that needs to take a breather, assure your boyfriend you aren’t abandoning him or the conversation.

Choose a Time When You’ll Talk About It

We might want to “fix” our relationship immediately following an argument. It’s certainly uncomfortable to sit in the tension of conflict with someone we’d much rather be in connection with. But sometimes, it’s actually helpful to approach a resolution more intentionally.

You can choose a time when you’ll both feel ready to discuss what happened – and it all depends on what works for both of you. Maybe you’ll both be ready to talk in 30 minutes, or maybe it’s better to wait until the next morning when you’re rested and have had time to calm down. Either way, designate a time to talk so neither one of you feels abandoned or ignored.

Value Reconciliation Over Being Right

It’s hard enough to accept and admit that we were wrong about something, but what about when we don’t really feel like we were wrong? Or even when we feel like our boyfriend or husband doesn’t totally understand how wrong we think he was? We’re tempted to keep harping on his mistake or explaining why we’re less wrong than he is.

However, if you really desire to move past the argument, then reconciliation has to become more important than being right. The well-being and harmony of the relationship have to matter more than getting the satisfaction of being labeled the less guilty or more correct party.

Genuinely Apologize for Your Part in It

While there will be times when apologizing for wrongdoing falls squarely on our boyfriend’s shoulders. But we also have to be ready to acknowledge where we messed up, assuming we did. And this means more than mumbling, "Sorry."

Learning how to give a genuine apology will make all the difference in repairing your relationship after an argument. Here are a few ways you can make your apology mean something: 

• Get specific about why you’re apologizing. (“I’m sorry that I said you were [insert here].”)

• Take it a step further by demonstrating an understanding of how your words or actions affected him. (“That must have made you feel [insert here].”)

• Let him know that you understand what you did was unacceptable. (“That was wrong of me.”)

Listen to Him Without Interrupting

To make any kind of headway, it’s essential that we hear the other person out, even if we think they’re totally in the wrong. Refusing to listen to his explanation, feelings, or point of view will leave him feeling uncared for and far less likely to hear us out.

This means letting him speak his mind without interrupting him, correcting him, or making noises or faces to signify your objections. Let him have the floor uncontested for a while. Allow him to say his piece without making him defend himself or plead his case.

Tell Him What You’re Feeling

On the flip side, we can’t resolve a disagreement without expressing what’s going on with us. There are always two sides to every argument, and it’s important that you present yours as well, rather than wishing he’d read your mind and just know what’s bothering you.

Here are a few ways you can share your side of things in a way that will help move toward a solution:

• Try to stay away from laying blame on him as you talk about what you’re feeling. Do this simply to share with him. See it as your turn to help move things in a positive direction. Using “I” statements can help you stick to your own perspective.

• Give him the benefit of the doubt while honestly sharing (“I know you weren’t trying to hurt my feelings when you said that, but it made me feel like [insert here].” 

• Try not to get upset all over again. Talking about what you’re feeling will naturally stir it all up again, but try to remind yourself that this is a time for resolution, not retribution.

Move Forward Without Keeping a Record of Wrongdoing

Even if we’ve done everything else on this list, it’s difficult to actually move on. It’s in our nature to hold grudges, replay wrongdoings over and over again, and have a mental list of all the bones we want to pick again with him. But this will only keep our disagreements alive and well, chipping away at the relationship over a long period of time.

Once you’ve both shared your side of things and apologized, try to move forward without keeping a record of wrongdoing. This doesn’t mean forgetting all about hurtful behavior or turning a blind eye to mistreatment, but it does mean choosing to forgive and not keep his mistake or bad behavior (that he apologized for and improved) as a weapon in your back pocket.

Closing Thoughts

Moving on from an argument won’t always feel natural. But it’s helpful to see both the argument and our actions after the argument as an opportunity to improve, strengthen, and deepen our relationship.

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