How To Save Your Relationship If You're The Toxic One

But this is easier said than done. What potentially complicates things further is being surrounded by people (family, friends, your therapist) who make excuses for your behavior or who act as yes men and encourage and enable you.

When it comes down to changing your behavior or losing the person who could be the one, you should always choose to fight for the person you love. If you’re the toxic one and you’re trying to save your relationship, here’s where you should begin.

Take the First Step

The first step we should always take when we realize we’ve hurt someone is to ask for their forgiveness. Ask forgiveness for your bad behavior, the choices you’ve made that have hurt them, and the actions you’ve done that have had a negative impact on them. Try to express to this person what he means to you, and let him know that his love for you isn’t wasted. Let him know that you’re going to work on yourself for both your sakes and that, hopefully, you’ll come out on the other end a better, stronger person.

Stop Being Sarcastic

No one appreciates the person who can’t take anything seriously, and if you’re constantly using sarcasm to mask resentment and hostility or even to deflect from having a real conversation, reconsider this as your go-to tactic. Though serious conversations can be uncomfortable or awkward (especially if they have to do with your poor behavior) they need to be had. 

Investigate Your Patterns of Behavior

Are you constantly blowing up at your boyfriend, or even avoiding communication altogether? Why do you react the way that you do? Most of the behaviors we use in relationships were modeled for us in childhood by our parents, for better or for worse, and if we come from traumatic or unpleasant home situations, we’re only reacting in the way that we were taught to.

But that doesn’t make your reactions or patterns of behavior any less toxic – it merely explains why you use them. Do some soul-searching, or see a counselor, and find connections between your bad behavior and the motivations behind them. You’ll become more knowledgeable about what triggers you and learn how to react in healthy ways, and you’ll learn better coping mechanisms and resolution strategies to bring into your relationship.

True self-awareness lies in realizing how your poor behavior affects the man in front of you. 

Assess How It Affects Him

It’s one thing to know why you behave the way you do. But true self-awareness lies in realizing how that behavior affects the man in front of you. How does he react? Does he become angry or provoked, and is that what you want? Does he shut down? Does he argue with you or become sad? All of your bad behavior is likely motivated by wanting to get a reaction out of him, either to confirm your own thoughts, bring him down to your level, or to hurt him before he can hurt you. It’s not enough to know how and why you’re reacting the way you are. Realize how much hurt and damage you’re causing the other person, and how truly detrimental and poisonous it is to your relationship.

Be Present in the Moment

It’s tempting in any relationship to bring up an argument or the other person’s mistakes, whether it was from a day ago or years ago, especially if you think that person might do it again in the future. But this removes both you and him from the present moment and the issues confronting you right now. Don’t retreat to the past to find evidence of his mistakes, and don’t punish him for actions or mistakes he hasn’t even made yet that you think he will in the future. Live in the present, and tackle what’s in the here and now.

Grow Up

You might be used to getting what you want or being entitled in your relationships, but that shouldn’t be the prerequisite or the norm for the man you really love. Whenever you don’t get what you want, or you feel you’re not being treated the way you should (even when you’re treating him terribly), don’t pout or sulk, and don’t act like a child. If he’s the right man for you, he probably won’t tolerate your bratty behavior, and you run the risk of losing him forever. Grow up and act like an adult. Period.

Stop Criticizing

If the words constantly coming out of your mouth are hypercritical, disparaging, unsympathetic, and picky, it’s time to reevaluate how you address your man. If you really believe that the problems lie with him, you have much bigger issues to unpack. But chances are, he’s exhibiting behaviors that bother you because you also see them in yourself, or he’s not nearly as at fault as you believe him to be.

You won’t get anywhere in your relationship by being constantly critical, whether to his face or about him to other people. Actually try to communicate something to him without resorting to personal, ad hominem attacks or bringing up issues that have no real bearing on the problem at hand. Remember, it’s both of you versus the problem, not you against him.

Stability and security may seem “boring” to you, but consider the alternative – being unhappy and alone.

Apologize When Necessary

One of the most difficult (and necessary) things to do when unlearning bad behavior is humbling yourself in front of the person you love. Your pride and the feeling of always being right may be important to you in the heat of the moment, but deep down, you know it’s not what really matters. Apologizing to your loved one when you’re in the wrong helps you take accountability and communicates to them that you take their feelings and emotions seriously enough to feel uncomfortable, if even for a moment. Stop justifying and start apologizing.

Crave the "Boring"

The toxic part of you may crave the thrill and excitement of drama, but let’s face it: Drama in any context and in any relationship is exhausting, and constantly trying to stir it up will only create trouble and breed more problems for you. Stability and security may seem “boring” to you, but consider the alternative – being unhappy and alone. If you stir up drama because your own insecurities need validating, express that honestly to your man instead of inventing imaginary problems and constructing unnecessary trouble.

Think About Your Why

If the thought of losing the one you love fills you with despair and helplessness, and more importantly, you’re committed to doing whatever is necessary to fix your relationship, there’s a good chance the relationship can be salvaged. It’s only when we become completely apathetic or indifferent to our behavior and our relationship problems that things aren’t looking good. As long as we have hope for the future and true compassion for the other person, there’s still a chance.

Think about your why, i.e., the man you love. Think about the person he is, what you cherish about him, and why you want to build a future with him. Also consider your past and how far you’ve come – chances are, there’s still an opportunity to make changes for the better. It helps to have this perspective when you feel like changing your behavior or working on yourself is just too difficult, or even impossible. It will definitely be hard work, but if it can save your relationship, isn’t it worth it?

Closing Thoughts

Having realized that you’re the problem, it might be tempting to resort to self-pity or self-loathing. You might feel that you don’t deserve this man, or that you’d both be better off without each other. But no matter your past or your behavior, you are deserving of love. As long as you truly love one another, there’s nothing that can’t be done together. Having him beside you on the journey of self-awareness will also be helpful, as is remembering the most important thing: You’re in this together.

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