How To Tell Someone To Break Off Their Engagement, From Someone Who’s Done It Before

I’m not one to tear people apart. I don’t meddle in people’s business, and I don’t try to tell them how to live their lives. But when I saw someone I love in an unhappy engagement, I couldn’t sit back and watch.

Maybe it’s your sister, your bestie, or your roommate, but you know there’s something off about her and her relationship. She’s engaged to a man she may no longer be “in love” with, and she doesn’t know how to tell herself the truth. You might not want to get involved – I know how it is – but, as bad as it sounds, helping break off an engagement saves her from what would only become a doomed marriage. And, as long as it’s done with love, there is a right approach to stepping forward with your concerns.

Observe Before Assuming

So you’ve already noticed that something’s off. Don’t rush to any conclusions yet – you may have just noticed something between them that could be circumstantial and temporary, not an underlying problem. However, take note of how she acts when you’re alone with her in comparison to when her fiancé is present. If her behavior is significantly happier and healthier when she’s not with him, then this is a green light for you to step forward.

Tell Her the Truth

Who would’ve thought, right? Yet, when I was faced with the decision to say something, it was a very daunting idea. I was going to tell her that I didn’t think that her love life was going in the right direction – that the guy she said yes to planning a wedding and potentially spending the rest of her life with might not be Mr. Right after all. In fact, he’s most likely Mr. Wrong. This requires some delicacy. Don’t badger or force her to make any new decision. Decisions are scary, especially when a girl is already in bride-mode and has been planning for one day and one moment for months, spending money, and fixating her mind on getting married. Invite her to consider your concern. 

I recommend opening up with letting her know that you’ve noticed she’s either unhappy or that something doesn’t seem right between her and her fiancé and asking if she wants to talk about it. Don’t push her to meet up – let it be on her terms. This can be done by saying, “I’m here if you ever want to talk. Just let me know when.” The important thing about opening up the discussion with a sensitive rather than intrusive approach is that you’re showing her you’re an ally. She knows who to turn to when she’s ready. You’ve done the hard part of building the bridge, which will make it that much easier for her to cross it when the time comes for her to face the reality of her situation, something that’s hard enough already. 

Telling her the truth frees her to be honest with herself.

Authors and speakers Jackie and Bobby Angel both experienced breaking an engagement before they found and married each other, and what helped them was someone telling them the truth about their relationships because sometimes it takes an outside observer to see that the couple is blinded, and not by love. In a recent video, Bobby recalls, “It can be very freeing to have someone love you enough to say, ‘Are you happy?’ and give you the space to say the honest truth.” Your courage to speak what’s needed to be spoken can free her from the lies she may be telling herself to stay in the engagement and marry the wrong man.

Be Patient (with Her, Yourself, and the Situation)

When I hit send on that first message, my loved one didn’t really respond to it, and I was immediately wondering if I had done the wrong thing. If you’re wondering the same, stop. Set your phone aside (if you didn’t opt for talking about it in person), and wait. This is a fragile moment when she needs the time to be honest with herself first before she can be forthcoming about her hidden doubts to anyone else. 

She might respond, saying it's a problem she thinks she can fix. But it’s always ill-advised to start dating a guy with the goal of “fixing him” (one of the reasons we habitually choose toxic relationships), and it’s even more unwise to stay in an engagement for the same reason. Pose these questions to her:

• “Have you told him how you feel about [specific issue]?”

• If she has told him: “Has he made any efforts to change his behavior in that way?” If not, “Is that behavior something you could honestly endure year-after-year, 24/7?”

• If she hasn’t told him: “Is there something keeping you from communicating that to him?”

Notice how these questions aren’t indicating or insisting she should break off the engagement. These questions are useful to get her to do some thinking and get to the root of the problem instead of waving it away and assigning it as an “after the wedding” problem. There’s a common saying that the problems in dating don’t disappear once the wedding happens, and it’s true. Those problems will resurface in marriage and sometimes become aggravated by the newness of married life and getting used to the other person. By being patient with her and asking her these questions, you’re enabling her to either find a resolution to these problems and create a healthier relationship or recognize the red flags so she can compare them to her non-negotiables when it comes to marriage.

Do Your Research

When she’s ready to talk, you need to ask her some more thought-provoking questions that will really help her analyze her relationship. My loved one eventually began to talk to me about the issues in her relationship, and, while I felt she was miserable, considering the weight of nonrefundable investments in the wedding planning and the fact that she had said yes after all, I knew I couldn’t simply insist she dump him and call off the wedding. So, I did my research, even sending her some of the videos I’d found to give her some food for thought.

One of the videos I sent her was by author, speaker, and YouTube personality Emily Hussem called “The Worst Reason to Get Married.” In the video, Hussem explains that she found too many women got married only because they were afraid no one else was out there. “Ultimately, what it boils down to is getting married out of fear,” she continues, “It’s a really complex issue because of our nature as women. It is part of our makeup that we want to be loved…to feel cherished, to feel wanted. We desire those things inherently as women.” Because of this desire, we tend to listen to our fear and tell ourselves it’s too late to break it off.

However, breaking off an engagement between two people who aren’t meant for each other is necessary regardless of if there will be someone else after. A miserable marriage and the hurt of divorce costs more emotionally, financially, and physically than calling off the wedding and learning or relearning how to be content alone as you heal. It’s difficult for her to see this when she feels secure in planning the wedding details, postponing the issues for married life. That’s where reflective questions come in handy. The YouTube channel 30everafter made a video asking pertinent questions that indicate whether there are signs that the engagement should be broken. These include:

• “Did you say yes because you couldn’t say no?”

• “Do you love him?” or “Are you still in love with him?”

• “Can you see yourself with him or her for the rest of your life?” or “Can you picture forever with this person?”

• “Are there any deal breakers?”

• “Do you have unresolved issues [that cause recurring fights]?”

If she has any serious doubts when it comes to any of these questions, gently ask her whether she feels the engagement should be postponed or called off. The answer, if she was honest with herself with the questions above, is often yes. It can feel like she’s messed up, but remind her that everyone around her, including you, wants what is best for her and that it’s her decision. It can be the most freeing decision she makes for herself, but it also can free the groom and concerned friends and family from further heartbreak.

Lend an Ear

Up until you decided to speak up, your loved one has largely been in her own head. Her thoughts have been darting from the venue to colors to flowers to how she won’t find anyone else. Once I reached out, though there was some reluctance on her part at first, my loved one eventually turned to me whenever she needed me. For months she’d likely ignored her own concerns about the engagement and the marriage part that comes after the wedding. When you come forward with similar concerns, she has someone besides her who shares them. She’s needing to get out of her own head and her warring thoughts, and that means she needs someone she trusts to take in and respond to what and how she’s feeling, and evaluate her options.

Be her supporter without letting her go down the slippery slope of ignoring her own mistakes and hating men.

Don’t Ex Bash

Oftentimes, when faced with a difficult breakup, we don’t want the blame – it’s all on the other person. Whether or not her fiancé has actually been horrible or the relationship was toxic, it’s easy for her to want to say that he was the problem. It’s an especially easy trap to fall into when he has been bad to her. As her support, we should remind her of what a healthy relationship looks like and what she deserves. But to keep it classy, our role of supporter also requires us to be a moderator. We shouldn’t get caught up in tearing him down and thinking of him as less-than because of the circumstances. 

The good guys especially don’t deserve ex-bashing, so a gentle reminder of the fact that they just weren’t right for each other and that they both deserve to find their person can help her reframe the hurt of breaking things off. And, for the sake of consistency and integrity, we should also keep her from believing he’s the scum of the earth. Perhaps his actions call for some righteous anger, and we shouldn’t try to deny the ways he messed up, but she did once (and may still) care for him. For one thing, allowing her to see him as less than herself doesn’t help her learn from the mistakes she also made in the relationship. We’re all human, and history shows we have a tendency to make big mistakes. Yet, if gone unchecked, it can also spiral into a “men are trash” attitude that will put off necessary healing and damage new relationships before they can begin.

Closing Thoughts

Breaking off any serious relationship is difficult, so breaking up with your fiancé? Even more so. And with the nonrefundable investments already made for the wedding and being afraid that there isn’t going to be anyone else, sometimes the bride-to-be will turn a blind eye to the warning signs of a bad marriage-to-come to avoid the embarrassment, heartache, and financial loss of calling off the wedding. Yet, we can be the brave person in her life to pay attention, tell the truth, and help her maintain her integrity as she makes the move to do what’s right when she’s engaged to Mr. Wrong.

Readers make our world go round. Make your voice heard in the official Evie reader survey.