How Your Relationship With Your Mom Affects Your Future Relationships

We all know how our relationship with our dad influences our relationships and who we date, and the same goes for our moms. Why? It all comes down it attachment theory.

It’s All About Your Attachment Style

Your relationship with your parents forms your attachment style, setting you up for all of your future relationships. Psychologist Rebecca Bergen says, "I do believe that how emotionally available our parents were influenced the type of attachment we formed with them. Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and, in turn, how we are in relationships." 

Attachment theory believes there are four styles of attachment divided into two categories: insecure (avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, and disorganized) and secure. Each attachment style has different underlying beliefs about if others are trustworthy and dependable and forms our sense of self differently. Those with better relationships with their parents are more likely to be securely attached, while those with bad relationships with their parents or who have experienced trauma are more likely to be insecurely attached.

So if our parents were attentive to our needs and addressed them in a timely, loving, and responsive manner then their actions communicated to us that we have a voice, that we and our needs are worth attending to, and that other people are safe and trustworthy (secure). If, however, our parents were dismissive and ignored us, or cared for us in a detached, impersonal way (avoidant), were unpredictable (anxious-ambivalent), or were actually the source of our fear (disorganized), then the message communicated is that we’re not worth taking care of, other people can’t be trusted, and we will have a hard time getting our needs met.

If You Have a Good Relationship with Your Mom

If you have a good relationship with your mom, you’re more likely to have healthier relationships. Though this isn’t the case for everyone, much of it has to do with how healthy communication can develop a secure attachment style, as psychiatrist Scott Carrol says, “Expressive, affectionate and attentive parents tend to raise healthy children who are comfortable expressing themselves all five ways [of attachment]. This type of attachment is called a secure attachment."

It’s important to point out that this isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario. Plenty of people with insecure attachment styles have wonderful relationships with their moms but have experienced trauma from somewhere (or someone) else. However, a healthy communication style with your mom goes a long way in your romantic and platonic relationships.

Another benefit of having a good relationship with your mom is that she shows you how to be a woman. She’s not only your first role model, but your first friend, and we all know that the people we surround us with shape us into who we are. Your mom can model and pass on how to be confident in your female body, how to do you hair/makeup, and teach you about your cycle. Whether she teaches you how to dress for success or the importance of hard work, you can learn so much from your mom.

Though single mothers can be great role models, there’s nothing quite like learning what a healthy relationship looks like than watching your parents in a loving relationship. You’re not doomed if that wasn’t your family of origin experience, it’s just that having parents with a good relationship gives you a framework for developing your own healthy relationships. 

If You Have a Bad Relationship with Your Mom

Similar to how a bad relationship with your dad can impact your relationships, so can a bad relationship with your mom. Carrol continues, "Your attachment system that is established by your relationship with your mother will determine virtually all of your future relationships, from your pets to your friendships to your romantic relationships, and then will determine how you attach to your children when you become a parent."

To quote a very famous philosopher (a.k.a. Paul Rudd’s character, Mr. Anderson, from The Perks of Being a Wallflower), "we accept the love we think we deserve". If you come from an abusive home or have a toxic relationship with your mom, you likely have self-esteem issues or a hard time forming romantic connections. Similar to how we attract men similar to our dads, our relationship with our moms (particularly how we communicate and show affection) has an influence on who we date. This is bad news for anyone who has a bad relationship with their mom. 

Unfortunately, some women with poor relationships with their moms resort to unhealthy ways to seek the love and validation that they didn’t experience from their moms. This often stems from low self-esteem, as clinical psychologist Dr. Jamie Wernsman says, “As women we identify with our mothers more than our fathers. We look to our moms to learn how to handle things and who we should be in this world. They are our first role models. [An unhealthy mother-daughter relationship] can lead to a poor relationship with oneself, low self-esteem, and self-criticism.” 

Dr. Wernsman continues, “Another consequence can come in the form of maintaining emotional or physical distance from other relationships, lack of trust, and lack of ability to develop attachment to others.”

Other tendencies of women with poor relationships with their moms include having mostly guy friends due to issues trusting other women, and a tendency to be combative, dismissive, and controlling. In short, having a bad relationship with your mom often leaves a sense of rejection from the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone, leaving women to feel like they’re not worthy of love due to how their mom treated them.

Luckily, it doesn’t have to be this way. If you have a bad relationship with your mom or have attachment issues, it’s best to talk about it with a therapist to help you figure out why you feel this way and learn coping skills. It’s possible to get “earned attachment,” meaning you grow and intentionally improve your attachment strategies. If you can overcome this trauma and learn how to deal with certain triggers, you’ll have an easier time forming healthy relationships.

Closing Thoughts

Whether you have a great relationship with your mom or an awful one, it will likely influence how you navigate relationships. However, not all hope is lost for women with bad relationships with their moms and/or attachment issues if you work through the issues with a therapist. The way we are raised plays a large role in our lives, but it doesn’t mean we’re destined to make our parents’ mistakes.

Love Evie? Sign up for our newsletter and get curated content weekly!