Hypergamy Is A Myth—Here’s Why

If a woman is unfaithful, blame hypergamy. If a man isn't a Chad, blame hypergamy. If women are too picky and too difficult to please, blame hypergamy. It’s now a scapegoat that has become all too convenient for millions of modern men to shirk responsibility for their own shortcomings with women. 

What is hypergamy? Hypergamy is described as a mating strategy in which someone seeks to “marry up” in social and financial class, ensuring security and prosperity, primarily for women. 

According to The Institute for Family Studies, hypergamy was once a widely known fact: “It was once a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman would be in want of a prosperous husband. This is not to say that women wanted to ‘marry for money.’ But it is to concede that when women are unable to earn their own livelihood, as they have been unable to do through much of human history, husbands determine a family’s economic and social status. Hypergamy – the tendency of women to try to marry ‘up’ – was, in part, a natural response to this dependency. Marriage was the only way a woman determined her status in life.”

While there is some merit in the argument about women’s more hypergamous nature in seeking a more desirable mate, modern men have reduced hypergamy to an unbreakable clause that women will only love a Chad who is tall, blonde, and handsome. And wealthy. All other men be damned.

What is the real truth behind hypergamy? What are the nuances involved? Why isn’t hypergamy so black and white when women select a long-term mate? And what other more important masculine qualities do women seek in a man in embracing their hypergamous nature? 

A Man Who Is Masculine Is the Ultimate Checkmate on Hypergamy

As a dating coach, I’ve encountered the gamut of women who confess they can’t find a man who is masculine.

With testosterone levels in men declining at an ever-increasing rate, women are faced with far fewer choices in masculine men. Dr. Joshua Smith, a research scientist, writes, “It’s normal for testosterone levels to decline as you get older, but for some reason, there’s been a population-level drop with each generation, at least since the ‘70s. This means, on average, Gen Zers and millennials have significantly lower testosterone levels compared to their predecessors.” Thus, the trope among modern men’s forums both demonizing and lionizing “Chad” as the guy who’s stealing all the women away from beta men becomes both more relevant and conveniently blameworthy to men. 

In my line of work, I’ve discovered many women tend to define masculinity to go well beyond being handsome, rich, and powerful ballers and movie stars. They desire physical safety and protection. They want a man who is dutiful and responsible and isn’t a man child. They want a man who has a personality and demonstrates social skills and social intelligence. Further, they desire a man who is virile and can perform sexually. 

All of these male attributes are as much in decline as they are in demand. Widespread pornography use among men has rendered legions of men in their early 20s and beyond impotent. And with one third of all men under 30 being incels who are virgins, they often have no demonstrable social skills that would better aid them in being attractive to women. 

Personality in Men Is King and Many Modern Men Lack It

As a dating coach, I’m often met with derision and skepticism when I assert that “6 foot, 6 figures, and 6 pack” aren’t non-negotiable traits in terms of what women actually want.

Many single women on the dating scene are confronted with silly and awkward emoji-addled texts from grown men in their 30s upon first swipe. These men believe tons of heart emojis are a flirting technique to employ on dating apps, and when they are rejected for their lack of conversation skills, they act out in pettiness and cattiness.

I’ve helped many men turn away from this behavior and keep the conversation flowing using what’s inherent in their male personality, such as storytelling and humor – what they attempt to keep hidden from women in sentimentality and excessive emoji use because they believe that will make them more likable.

Personality is king. Yes, I know that may sound like a fairyland answer, but it’s often the truth. Haven’t you ever met a guy you thought was the hottest thing in the world, then once you got to know him, he sucked? And after you know how lame he is, you may still think he’s hot, but you’re just not really attracted to him. Or how about a guy who barely caught your eye at first, but became incredibly sexy after a good conversation? A person’s personality absolutely affects his or her sex appeal – the way they talk, what they say, the way they move, that je ne sais quoi. And all of those qualities are impossible to decipher from physical appearance alone.

A bad personality can immediately have a damning impact on a man’s character in the eyes of women, no matter how good looking the man.

Men should heed this advice in how they approach women. A bad personality can immediately have a damning impact on their image and character in the eyes of women. And it doesn’t matter how good looking the man. Plenty of good looking, fit, athletic men are texting blocks of emojis to women, and they are getting outright rejected at the same rate as any incel.

What About All Those Female Celebrities Who’ve Married Ugly Men?

Beyonce and Jay-Z may immediately spring to mind when you ponder celebrity couples who “married up,” with Beyonce being the more objectively attractive of the two. 

Again, male forums of today would dismiss it as saying, “He’s rich, so of course Beyonce would marry him.” However, it’s doubtful many of these male detractors have ever studied Jay-Z’s demeanor and how he conducts himself as a mogul. He’s exceedingly clever and adept as a businessman and rubs elbows with the most powerful people in the entertainment industry and beyond. 

His large and gregarious personality and remarkable social skills catapulted him to the upper echelons of Hollywood. He never marketed himself as a tall drink of water and is likely well-aware of how “ugly” he is. He owns it. He owns what makes him a man, and it’s not his looks or lack thereof. Beyonce remains devoted to him with fervor in building their family empire. Beyonce doesn’t have to stay married to an ugly man and could “marry up” and find a much more handsome man. Yet, she hasn’t. 

The problem with modern men is many just aren’t masculine, and they don’t grasp what masculine traits women desire in men. Thus, they project physical attractiveness (what men deem to be of the utmost importance in selecting a woman) as also being solely what women want, and they insist women will fail every time to see beyond a man’s looks. 

They also tend to lack experience with women that would put them at an advantage. In this lack of overall life experience, they fail to recognize and discern what makes a woman’s eyes light up and curl her toes in a man’s presence. They won’t tell a good joke and test the waters with that cute gal; thus, they assume women will never appreciate a man’s wit and sense of humor. They tend not to be in any true leadership position and, therefore, aren’t dominant among other men. Thus, they neglect to consider masculine male dominance, especially as it pertains to women finding leadership qualities in men very desirable. And they refuse to digest that an ugly man can get a beautiful girl if only he developed his masculinity. Thus, they can only conclude that women are hypergamous gold diggers and can’t be trusted.

Closing Thoughts

Hypergamy has a basis in mate selection among women. However, being rich and handsome is not where most heterosexual women looking for a healthy, masculine man will draw a clear line in the sand.

And it depends on what these men want. If they want a beautiful, social climber of a girl who lives for the cushy, glamorous life, then it’s a safe bet that they will need to provide the required money and social power. But for more normal “girl next door” types, a masculine man will do just fine. And it’s not women’s fault that Chad seems to be one of the last bastions of masculinity in modern times. If more men were masculine, there would be less hypergamy and many more suitable mate choices for women.

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