I Found My Husband On A Dating App—Here Are The 3 Rules I Followed

With 48% of 18-29 year olds and 38% of 30-49 year olds swiping left and right to seek love, it seems that dating apps are here to stay. And yet only 16% report finding marriage or committed relationships online, leading to the question: Why the lower rate of success while simultaneously greater access to potential partners? 

In observing the dialogue around this issue, I believe that the yes-or-no type of conversation surrounding dating apps may miss the point. Could it be that instead of asking if we should use dating apps or not, we should ask how to best use them?

Full disclosure: I met my husband on Hinge. My best friend also met her husband on Hinge. I do see the clear positives of dating apps. At the same time, I have friends who have tried Hinge and couldn’t find anything that stuck. They grew despondent and deflated. It’s painful wondering if you’ve done something wrong, why so many matches just aren’t clicking. It can take a toll on your self-esteem and your desire to continue on the app. 

But the truth is that if both parties approach online dating with a few critical principles in mind, you can succeed. It doesn’t need to be such a painful process, but it takes some work. In my journey on Hinge, I learned a few important principles that helped me avoid useless, destined-to-fail matches.

I Was Intentional with My Purpose & Location

I created my Hinge profile because I wanted a husband. I was done with casual relationships, and I decided to make that clear on my profile. No man who just wanted to be friends with benefits or who wasn’t serious about his future would have swiped on me, and I wanted it that way. Don’t settle for a lesser intention of commitment in your matches; your match’s purpose must be the same as yours in order for it to work. Of course, it takes time to figure out if a match will end in marriage, but establishing that ultimately you do want marriage with someone is a critical step.

Location also matters. I had dated several guys in my local area, but these relationships had quickly fizzled out. I felt limited by geography, so I set my location in Washington D.C., rather than in northern Maryland, where I lived. I knew that this was the area I was thinking about moving back to, so I decided that future-thinking would be wise in terms of geography. I also tended to be interested in men who had a background in military service or politics, which made D.C. the natural choice. I lived close enough to come down for dates if things clicked. If you’re into farmers, don’t set your location in Manhattan. If you’re into urban bankers, don’t set your location in a Nebraskan field. 

I Was Honest About My Expectations

Shortly after the necessary preliminary banter with my matches, I was honest with them about my dating standards. That lost me a few matches, but those matches would have been a waste of time and probably would have strained me emotionally. I told them that I wanted certain physical boundaries, as well as my reasons for them. I remember that one match (my future husband) was particularly affirming of this. 

If a man isn’t interested in the standards you have, then he’s not worth your time.

If a man isn’t interested in the standards you have, then he’s not worth your time. Either he will end up making you compromise what you believe in, or it will fizzle out when he isn’t getting what he wants. Honesty upfront about this will protect you and allow you to spend time on a match who does respect you. You’re too valuable to pair up with someone who doesn’t understand your value.

Utilizing the biographical filters will also help with creating expectations. I filtered very heavily to see specified results that I knew would be closer to what I was looking for. For example, if you don’t want a guy who drinks or smokes, don’t allow yourself to swipe on a profile that says he does. The “well, he might be perfect aside from this, and I’m just going to see” mentality (which I’ve definitely made the mistake of doing before!) will also end up wasting your time. 

I Focused on One Match at a Time

I had matched with a few solid choices; it was time to move to the first date part. I think that as soon as you can get a first date set up, the better. The less you talk on the app and the more you talk in person, the less awkward it will be, as you won’t have exhausted all conversation on the app. If you’re talking to someone for weeks and they don’t want to have an in-person date, it’s time to unmatch. 

I went to D.C. anticipating several first dates. The first of these was with John, my future husband. He wasn’t flashy or attention-seeking, but quietly impressive and incredibly pleasant. It was a great date. Even though it wasn’t love at first sight, I decided I wanted to explore just this one without the pressure of talking to or dating others – so I canceled the other dates. Looking back, this was one of the best decisions I could have made, and I highly recommend it. We didn’t have the “let’s be exclusive” conversation, but I chose to prioritize time with him because I recognized the serious potential. Over the next few weeks, I fell for him really hard. I had no distractions or pressure from other conversations or matches to muddle my mind. If it had ended, then I would have moved to other matches, but the one at a time principle allows you to focus on what’s right in front of you. Spreading yourself too thin across too many matches may lead to self-sabotage and prevent a real, lasting, beautiful marriage.

Closing Thoughts

Dating apps can be productive if used correctly. Following these three principles will help you develop a roadmap to navigating the swipes, chats, and matches. It may feel hopeless at times, but don’t give up hope. Next month it could be you telling your friends that you’re so thankful you changed your approach and gave it one last try. 

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