I Grieved Through My Vagina and It Healed Me

She was my maid of honor. My mirror. The girl I giggled with in locker rooms, who held my hair back in college, who danced with me barefoot in the kitchen while we got ready for dates. She knew every boyfriend I ever had, including the one who became my husband. She once told me that the way he looked at me made her cry in a parking lot. She said, "He really sees you. He’s going to make you a mother someday." And he did.

Her death wasn't slow. There was no countdown. It was sudden and brutal and it knocked the air out of me. She was there and then she wasn’t. No time to prepare. No long goodbye. Just an echoing silence where her laugh used to live.

I remember lying in bed that night next to my husband, staring at the ceiling. My body was ice but my chest was burning. I hadn’t eaten. I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t breathed in what felt like hours. He touched my hand and I flinched like I didn’t have skin.

But the next night... the next night was different.

Disclaimer: This article is intended for readers 18 and older. It contains explicit adult content and is intended for married women for educational purposes only. Reader discretion is advised.

I needed him. Not just in that "hold me" way. Not in the soft, sleeping-on-his-chest kind of comfort. I needed sex. Desperately. Real, grounding, physical, soul-collapsing sex. It wasn't about having an orgasm. It wasn't about escape. It was about anchoring. About feeling something real in my body, something alive, something that tethered me back to Earth.

He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t make a speech. He just let me take what I needed. And when he slid inside me, I shattered.

There’s a kind of sex that feels like therapy. Not because it fixes you, but because it lets you fall apart. That’s what this was. My legs wrapped around him like they were holding onto the edge of a cliff. My arms pulled him in like he was oxygen. I cried. I moaned. I screamed. I swore. 

When it was over, he stayed inside me, forehead pressed to mine. We didn’t say anything. We didn’t have to.

Why Our Bodies Want Sex When We're Grieving

It can feel strange to crave sex when you're grieving. You might wonder if something is wrong with you. But here's what no one tells you: our bodies are ancient. They remember things we don’t. And sometimes, they know exactly what we need before our minds can catch up.

Oxytocin gets released during sex and orgasm. It’s the bonding hormone. It tells your brain, "You are not alone. You are safe. You are loved." Dopamine floods the body, briefly lighting up the darkness with pleasure and memory and sweetness. Endorphins rise to dull the ache, like warm honey spreading through your bloodstream.

And your nervous system? It shifts. From chaos to calm. From freeze to flow. From numbness to sensation. Sex, especially when it’s slow and emotionally present, activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the one that helps you rest, digest, heal, and feel.

This isn’t about using sex to avoid grief. It’s about using it to process grief. To let your body cry the tears your eyes can’t. Grief lives in the body. And the body needs a way out.

There’s a Science to the Kind of Sex That Heals

Not all sex is created equal. You can’t just throw bodies together and expect the ache to evaporate. What your brain and body are really craving isn’t friction, it’s attuned intimacy.

Sex therapists like Dr. Alexandra Solomon and trauma experts like Dr. Peter Levine emphasize the healing power of sex that is present, connected, and emotionally regulated. The kind that happens when both partners are deeply attuned to each other, not just physically, but emotionally.

Here’s what that kind of sex looks like:

Slow, rhythmic movement
It soothes the nervous system. Repetition, gentle pressure, and consistency signal to the body that you’re safe.

Eye contact and breathing together
Regulates the vagus nerve. It brings both partners into parasympathetic nervous system dominance where healing, digestion, and emotional processing can occur.

Skin-to-skin contact
Triggers oxytocin and co-regulation. Him staying inside after orgasm without rushing, without pulling away, is profoundly bonding.

Permission to emote
Healing sex holds space for tears, gasps, shaking, even rage. If she cries during sex, and he holds her without shame, that’s therapy. That’s transformation.

Dr. Pat Ogden, founder of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, has even referred to the erotic as a vehicle for integration after trauma and loss. Not because it replaces grief, but because it lets the body metabolize it.

This kind of sex becomes a vessel. A moving meditation. A surrender to the present moment. It’s not just about orgasm. It’s about returning to your body, one breath, one thrust, one heartbeat at a time.

How to Have Comfort Sex That Actually Heals

This isn’t about makeup sex. Or distraction sex. Or passion-for-passion’s-sake. This is comfort sex. Sacred sex. Emotional processing through erotic intimacy. Here’s how to approach it.

Let Yourself Need Him
Grief is isolating. It can make you feel like no one understands, like your skin doesn’t fit. Let yourself soften. Let yourself want to be touched. Let yourself need to be held and kissed and filled.

Tell Him What You're Feeling
Say the scary thing out loud. "I need you tonight. I need to be close. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be fixed. I just want to feel something real. I want you."

Set the Scene
Not for performance. But for grounding. Light a candle. Put on music that makes your chest ache. Take a bath. Cry. Let him watch you unravel. Let him hold you in it.

Go Slow and Stay Present
You don’t need choreography. Just closeness. Kiss like it’s the only language left. Touch like it matters. Breathe together. Let your bodies decide the pace.

Let the Emotions Come
Let the grief manifest in whatever form it takes. Let the pleasure rise with it. Moan and cry and tremble. If you need to hold his face and sob, do it. There are no rules. 

Aftercare is Everything
Don’t pull away. Let him stay inside you. Stay skin to skin. Let the oxytocin do its magic. Curl into his chest like you’re coming home. Allow yourself to be quiet. 

You may not have words for your grief. But your body does. Sometimes, the most healing thing you can do in the wake of loss is crawl into the arms of the man who knows how to hold all of you, even the broken parts.

And let him love you back to life.