I Regret My Abortion—What I Wish I Knew Before I Did It

I was cleaning my bedroom this past weekend, reorganizing the boxes in my closet, and I found my ultrasound picture. All of the emotions I felt that day came flooding back. I don’t mind others' opinions about what I chose to do, I already feel a certain way. This is my story of what happened, and the days leading up to it. It changed my life forever, and it altered my view on abortion forever. I just hate that it took me choosing to lose my child to see it this way. 

Abortion is a taboo topic in America – around the world, actually – and the grief and mourning many women experience are even more taboo because pro-abortion advocates will tell you that women feel relief and many anti-abortion advocates will tell you that you’re a monster, who deserves to suffer. By one side, you're seen as a feminist icon for terminating your pregnancy and choosing your career over having a family, and by the other, you are a cold-blooded murderer who is going to hell. So, that shoves any woman who is grieving their baby post-abortion down a deep emotional ditch. We need more women speaking up about their experience, so others can know just how big of a choice it actually is.

Feminists fight for the right to choose, but they never have a conversation about how to choose. Making that decision was big for me. I had never been so torn in my life. Rather than helping me make the decision, people’s first reaction tended to be how could a smart girl like you get pregnant? People would ask me questions I didn’t know the answer to. I was safe every time I had sex. I didn’t understand how it all happened or why. All I knew was that it happened. I was safe. I was always safe. I just got really “unlucky.” The night I conceived, I took all the precautions, we used a condom, and I took Plan B. 

There’s a lot that people don’t tell you about getting pregnant. Even after my pregnancy, I had still never fully opened up about my experience until now. I was 6 and a half weeks pregnant, and it felt like my entire body had changed. I found out I was pregnant before my missed period because I felt that my symptoms were not anything like my normal PMS indicators. I tested five days before my missed period, and those two pink lines showed up immediately. I would spend one second crying and the next laughing. I was inconsistently cramping, and sometimes, I would get bursts of energy after being tired all day. Oftentimes, I couldn’t sleep – the little baby inside me gave me crazy insomnia. It was a weird sensation, something I had never felt before. It was as if my period hormones decided to take steroids.

Even though we all have the free will to choose, it’s important to understand that you are taking a life and the weight you will feel afterward.

My decision wasn’t immediate. I spent those first couple of weeks going back and forth. After telling my boyfriend, we spoke about our options and we felt I should get an abortion. It didn't feel like a difficult decision at first. But as the decision stewed and the date I had scheduled for the abortion came closer, I began to have doubts. I began to see my child for what it was: my child. People kept telling me it was just a fetus, but to me, it wasn’t. I believe it’s important to understand the weight of the decision of having an abortion. I believe everyone has the right to choose, we all have free will. What I didn’t understand was how important the choosing part was. And even though we all have the free will to choose, it’s important to understand that you are taking a life and the weight you will feel afterward. The day before I went to Planned Parenthood, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was in tears. Although I weighed all of the pros and cons, I was still left heartbroken by my decision. But I told myself it was for the best. That brokenness is what reminds me that I was fully conscious of my choice. Even if I no longer stand by it. 

The days passed, and I cried and cried. My boyfriend at the time, my now husband, who is the father, came with me on the day of the abortion. When I got to the clinic, the nurse asked about my past medical history, the types of medication that I was currently on, and whether this was the decision I wanted to make, repeatedly. She asked at least 15 times. And every time, it got harder to say yes. I guess it’s why they ask, to make sure you’re 100% sure. Otherwise, you would regret losing something as important as a child. Little did I know at the time that even if I felt 100% sure of my decision then, I could still regret it and grieve afterward. 

The nurse took me into a room and did an ultrasound. This was when I was supposed to be able to see my baby. I saw a little tiny bean on the screen, and my boyfriend and I just looked at each other. Tears filled my eyes and his. The nurse asked me if I wanted the ultrasound, and I said yes. She gave us some time in the room. The room went silent as she closed the door behind her. The only thing I could hear was the anxiety screaming in my head.

The medical abortion, which I decided to do, was a two-day process. The first day, at the clinic, the doctor gives you the medicine mifepristone, which stops the baby from growing by stopping the production of progesterone. There isn’t a lot of pain, but you may be spotting for a few hours. It depends on your body. I had no cramps or spotting. Then, between 24 hours and 48 hours after the first medication, you take four pills of misoprostol. You can take it orally or vaginally. I took it vaginally. That medication takes about an hour to four hours to kick in. After that, you have heavy bleeding and cramps that hurt like you’ve been hit by a truck. You’re given anti-nausea medication, and they prescribe you a heavy dose of ibuprofen. You’ll feel very nauseous, with bad cramps and headaches for about four to six hours after the medication hits. The pain is hard to explain. It’s also what makes this process so much scarier. You don’t really know what you’re getting yourself into until you go through it. 

Accidentally getting pregnant wasn't my choice, but losing my child was.

I’ve gone through a lot of things in the last five years that were beyond my control. Accidentally getting pregnant wasn't my choice, but losing my child was. It’s a decision that I’m going to carry for the rest of my life. It was a being, half of me, half of someone I love so very much. How could I not love my child? 

It was a decision that came with a lot of heartbreak. Either decision was going to be painful. The decision came down to which one I believed would be the most responsible thing to do. I was only 21, I’m now 25. I was young, dumb, irresponsible, and selfish. I’m now 25 and would do anything to have my child back. He would be 4 years old this August. It’s a decision I live with every day. The sadness still comes in waves. 

Losing a child is something that I never thought I would have to do. This decision was one I never thought I would have to make. There are days when I’m okay with the decision. But there are days when the sadness hits like a tidal wave that crashes down, and I begin to drown. I can’t stop crying, I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating in my own mind. It doesn’t make the pain any less difficult to deal with. God gives everyone choices, and I unfortunately made the wrong one. 

I miss my child every day, even though I’ve never met him. This choice I made when I was young altered my life forever, and it changed my views on abortion. I’m no longer a pro-abortion advocate, I view myself as pro-life. I pray that I am given a chance to meet my child again someday. I'd like to think that he’ll be my first, and that when the time comes, I’ll be able to hold him in my arms for real this time. 

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