If People Were Committed To Growing In Virtue, Dating Would Be So Much Better

Our understanding of the meaning of love and commitment is heavily influenced by the depictions of relationships we were given growing up. Often, we relied on our parents’ or caregivers’ relationship to inform us of what romance looks like, whether or not it was a good example. But just as often, we relied on what classic romance stories taught us about love. Movies like Romeo + Juliet, The Notebook, and Titanic were what the young women of today looked to when attempting to make sense of this elusive thing that everyone called “love.”

What these tales had in common was that passion seemed to be the most important ingredient in a relationship that was “meant to be.” The onscreen romances we watched unfold were fast, intense, and irresistible. The couple’s connection was so fiery, so undeniable, that all their relationship really needed to survive was their love.

Then, we grew up, and many young women came to discover that this understanding of love was incomplete – that when they attempted to find the kind of romance they’d seen between Jack and Rose, their real-life experiences kept coming up short. They’d give their heart away only to have it used and tossed aside. They’d yearn for the commitment they’d seen on screen only to be told “I’m not ready for anything serious,” time and time again. Not only that, but the men they dated were disappointing, directionless, or toxic, more interested in serving themselves than in finding any kind of lasting love.

Needless to say, women today have begun to wonder if they should stay away from dating altogether, if love is even real, and if men are any good at all. So how did these depictions of love mislead us? By gauging the relationship’s health by how Allie and Noah felt in the moment, placing their burning passion for one another above all else, and offering us no advice beyond, “Do what feels right.”

But this isn’t what makes for a committed, lasting, mature relationship. Instead, we think that if both women and men were more committed to growing in these virtues, dating as a whole would be so much better. Which virtues are we talking about?

Humility

C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, “If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realize that one is proud … If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”

Humility requires us to admit our shortcomings, recognize our faults, and own up to our mistakes. A humble person is one who doesn’t think too much of themselves to apologize, and knows when and how to do so. This is absolutely vital in a relationship – we’re bound to mess up and need to know how to attend to an issue, misunderstanding, or hurt we created.

Respect

We all deeply desire to be respected, but often enough, the word “respect” can bring about negative connotations, especially for women. What respect isn’t is blindly following a guy around who’s done nothing to earn your respect, or losing yourself and your identity in order to fit a mold for him.

That being said, what respect is is valuing his feelings, taking his needs and desires into account, caring about his boundaries, and thinking about how our behavior and choices will affect him. Being respected is receiving that same treatment in return. Respect is a non-negotiable for any relationship to work long-term.

Honesty

We’ve all heard it said that honesty is the best policy, but is that actually true, or is it more case by case? Do you have to tell the complete truth all the time? Or are little white lies permissible, depending on the situation?

Our actions have to be backed up by our truthful words and our words by our actions. 

A relationship won’t survive without honesty, plain and simple. Even just small lies end up leading to much bigger, unwieldy ones. If you can’t trust someone to be honest in small matters, how will you be able to trust him to be honest with the big things? Our actions have to be backed up by our truthful words and our words by our actions. Otherwise, the foundation of the relationship will crumble quickly.

Selflessness

We’re naturally selfish beings. We all want the bigger piece of cake. We care about what feels good for us, how our desires can be fulfilled, what we need from someone else to satisfy our needs. But just because selfishness is natural doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to grow beyond that. A relationship shouldn’t be approached from a desire to see what we can get from it and how we can benefit, but how we can love the other person well and serve their needs. When both people attempt to love and serve the other, then everyone’s needs can be sufficiently met through mutual generosity. 

Self-Control

Self-control doesn’t come easily to any of us. It’s far easier to act on our every whim, to not give much thought to consequences, to not ever deny ourselves, and to justify our reckless behavior. But a healthy relationship will be next to impossible to create if we don’t learn self-control or how to subdue our immediate desires. Commitment, maturity, and loyalty – all non-negotiables in a relationship – can’t be present without first cultivating self-control.

Resilience

None of us are strangers to the fact that life is teeming with difficulties, pain, and misfortune. Not one of us will make it out of this life totally unscathed, without enduring hardship and loss.

Resilience is the quality that, despite the suffering we’ve encountered, enables us to find new hope, a path forward, and purpose behind our pain. To be resilient is to say no to being a victim of our circumstances and to becoming a complete Eeyore. Without resilience, a relationship’s inevitable problems will feel impossible to navigate and overcome.

Kindness

This seems like a simple virtue, one that we’ve been told about from the time we can remember, and yet kindness is often treated like a waste of time. It’s seen as weak, insignificant, or pointless.

Genuine kindness is not easy, and it’s not free – it often costs us our comfort.

Contrary to what many say, genuine kindness is not easy, and it’s not free. It actually does cost us something – it costs us our comfort and goes against our nature, calling us to grow in our ability and willingness to be loving, even when it’s not what we feel like doing. So, needless to say, kindness isn’t a quality that can be taken or left when it comes to romance.

Compassion

Compassion is one of those qualities that’s easily misrepresented. Does it just mean to generally feel bad about someone else’s misfortune? Or to offer an “I’m sorry, that’s terrible”? Or to try to show sympathy?

Compassion has everything to do with having pity on someone, but it also includes a desire to do what we can to alleviate it. So, yes, we feel something, but we also do something. Relationships are all about our actions reflecting our words, so compassion isn’t a virtue to skip out on.

Patience

Patience is indeed a virtue – and it’s not one that we’ll always feel like exercising. It’s in our nature to have something in our mind and want it done now, or to expect that all we have to do is mention being annoyed with him once and he’ll immediately change his behavior forever. But relationships are made up of two imperfect people who will both need unending grace, understanding, and loving encouragement. And for that reason, growing in patience is absolutely necessary. 

Faithfulness

Yes, we definitely mean faithfulness in the sense of staying true to our commitment to one person, honoring them, and being loyal to them. But we’re also highlighting faithfulness in the sense of remaining steadfast and diligent, even when the going gets tough. 

Staying true to your word is becoming rarer these days. But what’s even more rare is someone who chooses to stick around, even if things aren’t picture-perfect for a time. This kind of future-facing, hope-filled faithfulness is what leads to the most fulfilling relationships.

Closing Thoughts

Fire and passion and excitement are wonderful for a budding romance, but ultimately, there’s nothing more romantic than loving someone enough to grow in these virtues.

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