Is Fear Of Rejection Sabotaging Your Relationships?

A few months ago, I signed up for Logan Ury’s (the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge) weekly newsletter. A recent one was guest-written by a psychologist named Dr. Marisa Franco, and in it, she explained that a fear of rejection can manifest in ways you don’t even realize and can actually result in more people rejecting you simply because you believe they will.

Think about it: If you’re concerned that you’ll be rejected by someone, you’re going to act differently when you’re around them. You’ll want to protect yourself from getting hurt, so you’re more likely to act cold and closed-off. Acting this way, however, makes it more likely that you actually will be rejected because you’re not coming across as someone who’s friendly and open to meeting people. In essence, the more you fear being rejected, the more likely it is that people are going to reject you. 

If you assume a guy isn’t going to like you, then it’s unlikely that you’ll go up and talk to him or make eye contact with him or engage with him at all. You’re cutting off future relationships based on a (likely) faulty assumption that your feelings will not be reciprocated. We all want to be wanted, yet we often assume that people won’t want us. This is true in dating, but it’s also true when it comes to friendships. 

The way you act when you fear rejection is more likely to make people reject you.

Platonic Relationships Can Suffer Too

If you assume that a friend will say no if you ask them to hang out, then you’ll never ask them in the first place. But what if you’re making an incorrect assumption? Dr. Franco believes that one of the biggest reasons people struggle to make new and lasting relationships nowadays is because “we tend to be so self-defeating, we tend to fear rejection. We tend to think that if I reach out, they won't want to talk to me. But in fact, that's a bias that we all have. It's not necessarily true according to the research.”

The research she’s referring to is called the “liking gap,” which was an experiment where researchers had people interact, then polled everyone afterward to gauge how much they liked the people they interacted with. They then compared these answers to participants' perception of how much others liked them and found a large gap in the results. 

People tend to assume that their perceived likeability is far lower than it actually is. This is especially true in cases of people with low self-esteem. The more critical you are of yourself, the more likely you are to assume that people won’t like you. But studies such as the liking gap prove that you’re probably being way too hard on yourself. 

Have you ever wanted to reach out to an old friend, but you simply assumed it has been too long or they won’t want to hear from you? Those are excuses that mask your underlying fear of rejection. Every time an old friend has reached out to me, I’ve been delighted to hear from them – even if it’s been years! The next time you’re debating whether or not to reach out to an old friend or even a new acquaintance, consider how it might make them feel. It’s honestly pretty flattering to know someone is thinking of you and values you enough to want to spend time with you. 

How To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

If assuming that you’ll be rejected makes it more likely that you’ll get rejected, then what do you think would happen if you went into a situation assuming you’d be liked? You’ll act more open, friendly, and warm because that undercurrent of fear is gone. Assuming you'll be liked makes you more likable. 

The key to overcoming a fear of rejection and having successful relationships is to have a positive mindset. If you’re going on a date, don’t assume the guy won’t like you, and don’t assume you won’t like him either! How is a guy supposed to win you over when he's starting the game with -10 points on the scoreboard simply because you're making assumptions (“He won't like me anyway”) that have no basis in reality? Instead, go into the situation assuming you’ll have a great time and focus on the things you like about him. Be open to the possibility that things will go well. 

The key to overcoming a fear of rejection and having successful relationships is to have a positive mindset.

You’re far more likely to achieve success in life and relationships if you’re confident because people can usually tell when you’re not (even if you don’t think they can). Confident people are magnetic, so when you begin to feel uncomfortable or fearful of rejection, do the opposite of what your instincts tell you. Don’t go quiet or close yourself off physically. Stand tall, shift your shoulders back, and smile. 

This is true whether you’re on a date or at a party trying to make new friends. Be confident in yourself, engage with people, ask them about themselves (people love talking about themselves), and genuinely listen to what they have to say. By simply shifting into a more confident mindset and focusing on the positive, you’ll eventually leave your fear of rejection in the dust and be on your way to more lasting and fulfilling relationships. 

Closing Thoughts

You know that phrase “fake it ‘til you make it”? Sometimes that’s what you have to do if you’re not feeling confident. The next time you walk into a party and get anxious, fake confidence until you actually feel confident. You might be surprised by how even small shifts in your body language can open the door to new experiences and relationships. 

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