Is Getting Back Together With An Ex Ever A Good Idea?

Maybe you’ve been broken up for only a couple of months, or maybe you haven’t seen him for several years – either way, your ex is on your mind. Whether you randomly bumped into him at a cafe, went to a mutual friend’s birthday party, or got an unexpected “How are you?” text from him, he’s suddenly back in your life.

And if you’re totally honest, the chemistry is still there. You still find yourself attracted to him, still laugh at his jokes, still like being around him – and you’re starting to wonder if you made the right decision when you guys broke up. In fact, if he asked you to get back together with him, you might say yes.

At the same time, though, you’re worried that you’re making a huge mistake even considering getting back together with your ex. What if you get hurt again? What if things end up blowing up? What if you’re wasting time on a relationship that should’ve stayed in the past? Is it ever a good idea to get back with your ex?

Here are a few things to consider.

Make Sure You Aren’t Acting Out of Desperation or Nostalgia

When you think about your relationship with your ex, you probably have a good amount of positive memories associated with him. Maybe you’ve been reminiscing about the early days of your relationship, or reflecting on the fun dates you used to go on, or thinking about the friend group you shared.

One of the reasons we might go back to an ex is because we’re feeling a mixture of a few things – loneliness, wistfulness, and desire for connection. And we know we can find an answer to these things with our ex. But it’s never a good idea to go back to a relationship simply because we’re nostalgic and lonely.

It’s never a good idea to go back to a relationship simply because you’re nostalgic and lonely.

Do some soul-searching; if this is at all the reason you’re considering getting back with him, it may be best not to move forward with it.

Remind Yourself Why It Ended

When an ex randomly comes back into your life, it’s all too easy to only remember the good things about him and the relationship – the way he made you feel special, the amazing dates he planned, the long, deep talks you used to have with him. All you can remember is all that was right.

Before deciding to get back together with him, it’s helpful to remind yourself why the relationship ended. Remember the reality of the relationship, the things that annoyed or disappointed you, the reasons you (or he) ended it in the first place.

If it ended for something like cheating, that might prove to be too difficult to come back from – not only was the trust in the relationship completely broken, but who's to say that infidelity won't happen again? On the other hand, if things ended because of something more ambiguous, like personality differences or small annoyances, it could be more plausible to think about rekindling things.

Do You Have Reason To Believe It Would Work?

If, after you’ve taken the time to reflect on why the relationship ended in the first place, you still find yourself playing with the idea of going back to him, ask yourself whether or not you genuinely have reason to believe things would work this time around.

If one or both of you have done the work to mature and change for the better in the meantime, you might find that the issues that led to the relationship’s demise aren’t as relevant as they once were. But if there’s no evidence that anything has changed (in either one of you) since the relationship ended, then it’s probably best not to proceed.

Take Things Slowly instead of Picking Up Where You Left Off

If you do decide to get back together, it’s understandable to want to try to pick things up exactly where you left them off, as if you’re making up for lost time. The relationship already passed certain milestones, so it might even feel natural to proceed as if nothing ever happened.

You’ll both need time to get used to each other again and to create new, healthier dynamics.

But even if it’s a good idea to get back together, this isn’t a wise way to approach a relationship that needs to be rebuilt. You’ll both need time to get used to each other again and to create new, healthier dynamics that will allow the relationship to last this time around. So instead of rushing back into things, try your best to take things slowly.

Be Realistic and Remember You’re Both Still Human

It’s only natural to romanticize the rekindling of an old love, to think of all the ways the relationship will be different this time, and to idealize what could be. But it’s also natural to be a bit unrealistic with how much “better” we think things will be.

Even if you’ve both made a lot of effort to grow since you broke up, the reality is that you’re both still human, and you’ll still get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Maybe a few of the same issues from the relationship’s past will surface again, or maybe new ones will pop up.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get back together, but that it’s crucial to approach the relationship’s second go with managed, healthy expectations.

Closing Thoughts

Getting back together with an ex isn’t always a bad idea, but it’s important to consider why you want to go back to him, and whether or not anything has changed enough for it to be a healthy decision.

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