Is It A Red Flag If Your Husband Smashes Cake In Your Face On Your Wedding Day?

A woman’s wedding day is something she looks forward to her entire young adult life. She dreams of the day she’ll walk down the aisle, say “I do” to the man of her dreams, and begin a brand new, exciting phase of life. She’s thought about the kind of dress she’ll wear — should she wear her mom’s dress or spring for one of her own? She’s thought about the first song she’ll dance to with her new husband — where’s the line between soft and romantic, and cheesy? She’s thought about what her bouquet might look like — classic and uniform, or wild and whimsical? She’s thought about whether she’ll wear her hair up or down — what would look better with her veil?

And on top of the years she spends dreaming about her wedding day before she’s even someone’s fiancée, once she gets a ring on her finger, she spends months, if not over a year, planning the big day down to a tee — from where the event will take place all the way down to what color her nails will be.

Needless to say, the countless details that go into a wedding day are very often overseen and decided by the bride. While some grooms are more involved than others, it’s generally accepted that the bride will do the majority of the grunt work when it comes to planning. It’s stressful, getting everything to fall into place perfectly. But it’s also exhilarating for her. After all, it’s all for the purpose of pledging her life to the man she loves and walking out of the wedding venue a Mrs. — a new woman.

Which is why this one particular wedding day tradition has come into question recently: a husband smashing wedding cake on his new wife’s face, often after she attempts to fight him off, but to no avail. The age-old practice has been receiving its fair share of criticism online, with endless videos of husbands (sometimes forcibly) partaking in the act being flooded with comments like, “It’s how violent it is for me… the women are literally running away or fighting back and he LAUGHS,” “I would file for divorce the next day,” and “I was a wedding photographer for years. When I would witness something like this my heart would sink. It was always deeper than just the cake.”

The online discourse, along with some of the videos, do beg a few questions: What’s with this tradition, anyway? Is it really just harmless fun, or is it a red flag? Should we cancel it altogether? What’s the appropriate response when your new husband pulls the cake-smashing move on you?

How Did This Tradition Start?

The first dance, the best man’s and maid of honor’s toasts, the bouquet toss — none of those traditions are so divisive or mystifying. But the cake smash? Why would a couple want to shove cake into each other’s faces — especially given how costly most wedding cakes are? How did this admittedly odd practice become such an expected part of the wedding day festivities?

As it turns out, variations of the wedding cake-smashing tradition have been around for quite some time. Aubree Daniel, CEO of Aubree’s Cakery, suggests the tradition may have had somewhat sexist beginnings: “It originated in ancient Rome, where the bride would have barley cake crumbled over their head. This act was supposed to signify the promise of fertility and male dominance in the marriage.” In medieval England, newlyweds would share their first kiss over a pile of buns to symbolize a wealthy future; another similar tradition had a bride take a bite of her cake before throwing the rest over her head.

Why Women Are Upset

A popular response to women expressing concern and distress about this tradition goes something like: “It’s just a joke.” In many (though not all) of the videos of wives attempting to keep their husband from smashing cake in their face, while she looks upset and defeated, he looks enthused and lighthearted. The truth may be that men really think it’s just a silly, fun moment. But many women aren’t laughing along, despite being made to feel that they’re overreacting.

No, really — in a 2023 Reddit post, one bride asked fellow Redditors whether she was in the wrong for divorcing her husband after he did the cake smash when she’d specifically asked him not to. Many in the comments supported her decision. So why is it that women are so upset over a little cake?

First, it’s hardly a secret that on her wedding day, a woman is concerned with her appearance. She wants to look beautiful. She likely spent thousands on her wedding dress, picking out the perfect silhouette and getting it altered. She probably spent hundreds on her hair and makeup, spending the hours before the ceremony getting them just right. The thought of having cake smashed into her picture-perfect face and dress, on a day she’ll want to look back on for years to come, when there’s a photographer capturing every precious moment, isn’t exactly a knee-slapper for many brides.

Second, if the bride has made it clear she doesn’t want to do the cake smash, either beforehand or through physical cues like leaning away, grabbing his arms, and yelling “No!”, then having her new spouse cross that boundary (not to mention in front of a sea of guests) is embarrassing, demoralizing, and disrespectful. She now has to clean herself up before the reception has even begun, accept her husband’s public lack of concern for her wishes, and remain in high spirits for the rest of the day.

Is It Always a Red Flag?

So is it always unacceptable for a husband to do the cake smash, no matter the circumstances? Or are there times when it’s not such a big deal? Where do we draw the line, and when does it cross from silly to disrespectful? What are the gray areas in between?

If the bride has expressed that she doesn’t want to do the cake smash, then a man doing it anyway shows, at best, a lack of maturity and understanding of boundaries, and at worst, deep disrespect. 

If the bride has expressed that she doesn’t want to do the cake smash, or if she clearly indicates in the moment that she doesn’t want to, then a man going ahead and doing it anyway shows, at best, a lack of maturity and understanding of boundaries, and at worst, deep disrespect. His decision to ignore her wishes so blatantly, less than an hour after exchanging vows and in front of an audience, doesn’t necessarily bode well for the future. “One’s wedding day should not be the time to ‘toughen’ up one’s brand-new spouse,” says Jodi Smith, an etiquette expert. “For most couples, trying to humiliate one another in an attempt to go viral on the one day they are supposed to be declaring their love in front of their friends and family is a giant red flag.” She also noted that such an action could cause a loss of trust.

However, not every bride will be against doing the cake smash. Some might agree that it’s harmless fun. If she has granted him permission beforehand, then so long as he doesn’t go overboard, it shouldn’t be considered a red flag. Whether or not this practice is a red flag is based on whether the groom is either actively ignoring his bride’s protestation, or if the couple mutually agreed to do the cake smash together.

How Should You Respond?

So what should you do if your husband pulls the dreaded cake smash on you at your wedding, even after you asked him not to? Should you respond like some wives have, and leave the reception right then and there?

In the heat of the moment, you might be tempted to storm out of the event. While it’s a natural instinct to want to hide when overcome with emotion, listening to these natural instincts aren’t always beneficial to us and our relationships. If the cake smash was done in ultimately good (though thoughtless) nature, for the sake of the day, your guests, and your brand new marriage, it might be best to stay at the wedding — even if you’re frustrated and need time to clean yourself up. Walking out on him in front of everyone only opens up your marriage to gossip and unwanted opinions even more.

And after the wedding? The choice to divorce is a very weighty one, and some smeared cake may not warrant such a decision. A vow was made, and it should probably take more than frosting on your face to undo that. However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be upset and address his behavior. It’s likely that this isn’t the first time your new husband has dishonored you and your wishes, and it won’t be the last. Speaking to a professional counselor could be helpful in uncovering and exploring the ways you’ve felt dishonored, and offer both of you a way forward that transforms the relationship into something stronger, rather than tearing it down completely.

Closing Thoughts

The cake smash wedding tradition is one that has taken the internet by storm. Whether or not a couple partakes in this tradition is very much up to them — but what we can all agree on is that a bride who doesn’t want any part of it shouldn’t be forced into it on her big day.

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