Is It True That Men Marry The Woman In Front Of Them?

One now-viral TikTok from podcast host Taylor Herd attempts to address the last concern: When and why do men decide to settle down? According to Taylor, who surveyed a wedding photographer, the answer is relatively simple. Her theory may be straightforward, but it’s divided the internet between believers and non-believers. Is it true that men marry the woman in front of them?

The Theory

Forget everything you know about fate, destiny, or soulmates. According to Taylor, timing is the actual deciding factor in when a man decides to settle down for good.

It may be unromantic and completely negate our girlhood fantasies of one right man for every woman, but it has practicality going for it. It’s not kismet or divine providence that gets a man to propose – it’s his social, financial, and emotional situation, no matter who the woman is.

“When a man decides that he’s financially and emotionally ready for marriage and ready to settle down and ready to start a family, he takes a way different approach to dating. Now his focus is on marriage, not on finding the next best thing,” says Taylor.

She postulates that the woman standing with her groom at the altar isn’t necessarily his soulmate or the love of his life, but the woman he happened to be dating when the stars aligned for him and the “marriage mode” switch flipped inside him. But this leaves us with more questions than answers, like does the woman ever have a say in conversations on marriage, or could the reverse ever be true – the right woman motivates her man to consider marriage when he previously hasn’t? Let’s explore.

The Marriage-Minded Man

Taylor does have two things correct, whether or not you agree with her. First, it is true that a man has to date with intention in order to get married and forgo all other women except his bride – those who don’t could find infidelity to be the fatal flaw in their marriage. A man who dates with the intention of marriage is worlds away from the casual dude who’s hitting us up at 2am for a not-so-subtle meetup, or the guy who can only be bothered to put in the bare minimum effort. When it comes to intention, the marriage-minded man personifies the idiom “if he wanted to, he would.” That man wants to, and so, he does.

Secondly, we might be wondering what it is that gets a man to start seriously considering marriage, and research shows that Taylor is correct – the better off a man’s financial, social, and emotional well-being is, the more amenable he is to the concept.

A market research expert named John Molloy investigates this in his book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, which essentially delved into Taylor’s theory years before it was ever posted on TikTok. Molloy, through surveying and study, found that there’s a five-year sweet spot in which most men are likely to think about marriage, which lies between the years of 26 to 33. 90% of men, especially if they’re well-educated and employed, settle down between these years, and if they pass the 33-year mark without making it to marriage, their chances of ever marrying start to decrease with each passing year.

90% of men, especially if they’re well-educated and employed, settle down between age 26 and 33.

A lot of women are under the unfortunate misapprehension that if they’re thinking about marriage at age 20 or 21, their boyfriends of the same age are as well. According to Molloy’s research, if a man is pursuing a career and higher education, he’ll understandably put off a commitment like marriage until those other obligations are completed (unless the couple has been together since high school or other similar cases). A man’s physical appearance as it starts to manifest his age also motivates him to think about marriage. Molloy surmises that as a single man ages out of his late twenties, he starts to find less and less interest in single spaces and more interest in the comforts of a home, thereby getting him to seriously consider marriage.

Women May Be the Pickers, but Men Are the Closers

We know by now that in matters of dating, women are the pickers. Women are the ones who get to choose who they’ll go after and if they pursue a relationship with someone. But based on Molloy’s research, we’re able to conclude that men are the closers.

Think of a couple who has been dating for years with no end in sight. The woman may be itching to finally get married after years in a relationship, but for whatever reason, the man sees no reason to change the status quo. He even finds it objectionable when she gives him an ultimatum – get married or break up – and ultimately, he’s made the final call in the relationship through his lack of action. A woman may pick the mate, but the deciding factor lies with the man. He may even marry the next woman he dates after his serious relationship. 

No matter how much we love him, we can’t force the non-marriage-minded man to marry us. 

So what are we as women supposed to do? Do we wait for the right one, or be content to settle for being the woman in front of the man who’s finally ready to get married? Settling in any scenario is never a good idea. The best we can do on our end, as pickers rather than closers, is to date with intention, hope that the right marriage-intended man finds his way to us, and see if our intention matches his. 

Men and women play different roles in the dating and marriage arena. Sadly, many women know that no matter how much we may love him, we can’t force or motivate the non-marriage-minded man to marry us. But, we can hope that we’re in the right place at the right time when one decides to look for his wife.

Closing Thoughts

Men may finally marry because it’s the right time for them, but women only say yes because they’ve found the right man for them. A woman picks, but it’s the man who closes. If we think that this is a sign that a man is settling, it’s important to remember the other half of Taylor’s argument: “His focus is on marriage, not on finding the next best thing.” 

When a man is marriage-minded, he’s not just looking for a bride, but a wife, partner, and potential mother to his children. He’s not focused on the dating scene and investing time in just any arbitrary person who comes along. If marriage is on his mind, it’s inevitable that he will marry the woman (who’s likely marriage-minded herself) who’s standing in front of him – the woman he finds after both of them have waded through possibly dozens of potential spouses, through delays of time and space and circumstance, and the one he finds in the right place at the right time. The right place, the right time, and the person who’s standing there isn’t exactly settling for just anyone, but closing on the right one.

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