Is The Enemies To Lovers Trope A Realistic Relationship Arc?

Every story you’ve consumed, whether it was a book, a movie, or a TV show, was likely filled with tropes – common themes, phrases, occurrences, and storytelling devices used by writers to reel their audience in and get them excited about where the story is going. Think: Oops, there’s only one room left at the hotel (and only one bed in said room) – whatever will these two characters with a secret, unacknowledged attraction to one another do?

The use of tropes spreads across a variety of genres, from sci-fi to romance, from horror to drama, from comedy to adventure. Tropes, despite often being (perhaps unfairly) labeled as “overused,” are one of the most advantageous ways for creators to produce something that’s widely appealing to readers and viewers, and feels familiar to them in a positive way. While tropes aren’t usually all that realistic, they’re powerful devices that will take a story from boring and forgettable to magnetic and sparkling.

What are some examples of popular tropes in film, TV, and books, you ask? Well, there’s the taking-off-the-glasses makeover, which transforms a girl from nerdy and weird to gorgeous and sought after in less than 10 seconds, like in She’s All That and The Princess Diaries. Then there’s the “chosen” one – despite the character’s humble beginnings, they were always destined for greatness, like in Harry Potter and Star Wars. And let’s not forget the love triangle, where two equally handsome guys are deeply in love with the protagonist, who can’t seem to choose between them, like in The Hunger Games and Twilight.

But one of the most popular tropes? The trope that will get a whole swath of women to pick up that book or stream that movie? The enemies to lovers trope, where two characters start off detesting one another, and despite their best attempts, can’t help but fall madly in love – as seen in Pride and Prejudice, The Proposal, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Hating Game, You’ve Got Mail, and How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, just to name a few popular books and movies.

Add to the list Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell’s new rom-com, Anyone But You, which depicts Bea (Sweeney) and Ben (Powell), two singles who have an immediate, fiery attraction to one another. After things quickly go south, Bea and Ben’s connection morphs into contempt, and they go their separate ways. 

Neither Bea nor Ben are pleased when, months later, they cross paths at a wedding – especially one where both of their exes are present. In order to make their past lovers jealous, Bea and Ben pretend to be in a relationship, all the while hating one another. But soon enough, the frostiness between them begins to melt away and their indisputable attraction resurfaces (spoilers, maybe, but are you really surprised?).

There’s no denying it – audiences (especially women, it seems, when we look at which stories utilize this trope) love the enemies to lovers trope. But why is that? Why do we revel in watching two people, who start off like oil and water, slowly but surely become captivated by one another so much that they can’t help themselves?

Why Do We Love the Enemies to Lovers Trope?

It’s no secret that women love romance. Jane Austen, whose love stories continue to inspire many a new novel or film, continues to be a bestseller. Movies like Titanic, Casablanca, and The Notebook never lose their popularity. We’re always “shipping” characters like Jim and Pam from The Office, and cheer when they finally kiss. Sometimes, we even get the treat of co-stars turned real-life lovers like Tom Holland and Zendaya, a favorite celebrity couple of many. We just love love.

This is what makes the enemies to lovers trope so interesting to unpack. Many of our favorite fictional couples had a sweet connection from the very beginning, even if their romance is a slow burn, like Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls, who took five seasons to get together. But the enemies to lovers? That sweet, soft, loving connection is nowhere to be found. Instead, it’s disdain, annoyance, and harshness. So what is it about this trope that women love so much, that it continues to be used so frequently?

The reason this trope is endlessly intriguing is because it showcases two people who are fully familiar with each other’s faults, yet love each other anyway after getting close enough to see their positive side. Elizabeth Bennet was more than aware of Mr. Darcy’s faults – she knew him to be aloof and difficult and sullen. But as she allowed herself to get closer, she began to see his best qualities – she saw that he was also loyal, principled, and honest. He wasn’t exactly the man she’d thought him to be – not completely different, but more human, to say the least.

Because we all know (whether consciously or subconsciously) that we are flawed beings, the notion that someone could know everything about us – from our most treasured qualities to our biggest weaknesses – and still love us is a significant one. It eliminates the need to conceal ourselves, to perform, and to worry about the security of our relationship. As French author Victor Hugo put it, “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” To be fully known and fully loved is really all any of us want. The enemies to lovers trope is an answer to that desire.

But that’s not all this trope speaks to. It also feeds in us a desire to know that we are simply irresistible – that someone could think and feel the worst things about us, but our allure is simply too potent to be ignored. They can’t help but develop feelings for us, and despite their best attempts, reach a point where they can no longer deny them. Who doesn’t want to feel that?

Is Enemies to Lovers a Realistic Trope?

It’s not all that difficult to understand why this trope would be so pervasive in the books, movies, and TV shows we love most, but just like with the many other widely used tropes that show up time and time again, it’s worth asking: Just how realistic is the enemies to lovers trope, actually? Is it really possible that we could go from detesting someone to falling madly in love with them? Is this a storyline that we might expect to happen to us in real life, or is it one that’s best left to the fantasyland of movies?

There have indeed been real-life occurrences of enemies turning into lovers. “My husband and I knew each other in high school because I dated his close friend. And we hated each other. We couldn’t even be in the same room without fights erupting. The guy I was dating got so fed up with us all the time. Eventually, that guy and I went our separate ways, and my now-husband and I moved to different states and lost touch. Ten years later, we reconnected on Facebook. We had both grown up a lot. And we clicked. We worked. We’ve been together for eight years now and have a baby,” shared user CallieCastup on Buzzfeed’s 16 Real-Life Enemies Romance Stories article.

So when is this kind of shift in a relationship realistic, and when is it not? Generally speaking, a transformation like this is possible in a few situations. Like the story above, it might happen over the course of many years, with both people changing and maturing on their own, thus becoming a good match for each other. It could also occur when two people’s first impressions lack context for one another or when their opinion of the other is tainted by someone else’s unfair assessment; for example, Elizabeth Bennet was convinced that Mr. Darcy was an unprincipled man based on Mr. Wickham’s lies and false testimony of his character. After getting to know Darcy herself, Elizabeth’s opinion of him changes. 

But when is it not all that realistic? We’d say more often than not. While the idea of an “enemy” becoming a lover is quite romantic, the likelihood is that when Mr. Right comes along, some kind of connection or spark will be there from the start, and the relationship won’t feel like an uphill battle or a boxing match. No relationship is “easy” or doesn’t require any work, but we also shouldn’t allow this truth to steer us in the direction of forcing a relationship that isn’t meant to be. Going from oil and water to a perfect pair isn’t always out of the question, but we’d generally advise against getting involved with guys who neg, show signs of narcissism, and treat you with disrespect. Chances are, you’ll regret giving him much of your time.

Closing Thoughts

The enemies to lovers trope is a favorite for many a book and movie lover. And while there are instances of this trope occurring in real life, it’s not nearly as common a happenstance as it is on screen. Still, though, you never know – maybe your Darcy is hiding in plain sight. 

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