Is There Ever A Case Where It’s Appropriate To Stay In Contact With Your Ex?

The majority of us have been through at least one breakup. Some of them are easier, or at least more obviously necessary, than others. But sometimes, our relationship is a little more difficult to let go of; the breakup doesn’t make us want to never see our ex again. Instead, we find ourselves thinking, or even saying, “Let’s stay in touch.”

It’s understandable to want to keep the connection going after a breakup, especially if things didn’t end on a terribly toxic note. It’s normal to still have some affection for our ex – they were a constant in our life for so long, and the thought of one day never texting them again is challenging for us to wrap our head around. How do we go from seeing someone every day, to never speaking to them again?

So is there ever a case where it’s appropriate to keep up with an ex? Is it okay to keep on following each other on Instagram, and liking the odd post now and again? Should we feel free to reach out just to say hey randomly, or even think of him as a friend?

Generally Speaking, It’s Best Not To

While every relationship is different, and there’s no exact formula we’re supposed to follow when we’re going through a breakup, there’s a reason the majority of people who break up don’t stay in touch with their ex: In most cases, even when our heart fights against it, it’s best to leave the past in the past. So, as a general rule, there aren’t many circumstances under which it’s appropriate, or even healthy, to keep in contact with an ex.

It Will Most Likely Get Confusing

Taking a relationship from platonic to romantic is one thing (and that’s already nerve wracking enough); taking a relationship from romantic back down to platonic, though, is far more challenging. Because we learned how to interact with our ex on a romantic level, where flirting was normal, touching was expected, and closeness was welcome, it can get confusing for us when we attempt to recalibrate the relationship to not include these modes of interaction, which have probably become second nature to us.

Taking a relationship from romantic back down to platonic is very challenging.

Along with that, even if we thought we were totally settled on ending things with our ex, going through a breakup isn’t easy on anyone – the person we’d always text first, reserve our Friday night for, and look for attention and affection from is no longer in our life in the same capacity. 

This is what makes a totally clean break, painful as it is in the moment, more sensible if we’re actually trying to get over him. By still having our ex in our life, we’ll start to get confused about what we can or should expect from this relationship, and could open ourselves up to unnecessary heartbreak if we aren’t careful.

It Could Negatively Impact Future Relationships

It can be comforting to keep our ex, so long as things didn’t end on terrible terms, in our life for as long as possible after things end – this way, we don’t really have to experience their absence and learn how to function without them around. We don’t have to mourn the end of a relationship and pick up the pieces of ourselves. 

But keeping our ex around, even if we don’t have any intention of getting back together with him, will almost assuredly cause issues in any future relationships we pursue. Wouldn’t we feel odd about our new boyfriend still texting his ex, even if he promised us he was totally over her? Our new boyfriend will immediately feel insecure and jealous knowing our ex is in the picture, and even if that doesn’t break us up, this insecurity will only keep growing as our ex lingers.

If You’re Still on the Fence, Ask Yourself Why You Want To Keep in Touch

For most of us, even if we truly loved our ex, we know it’s for the best if we don’t see him again, or even see his name pop up again on our screen. We miss him, but we know we have to move on and let go of the relationship. So if we’re still on the fence after knowing all the confusion, complexity, and havoc staying friends with our ex could wreak, we have to ask ourselves why we’re holding on so tightly to him.

Keeping our ex around will almost assuredly cause issues in any future relationships we pursue. 

Is it because he was always more into us than we were into him, and his attention made us feel good – a kind of good we aren’t keen on letting go? Do we still hope that we’ll get back together with him and think the only way to make that happen is to never truly disappear from his life? Are we using his presence to make new guys we’re dating jealous? Are we genuinely worried that we’ll never find anyone to love us again, so we wonder if it’s better to hold onto a guy we aren’t head over heels for than it is to be alone? Does being single scare us because we never took the time to make a life we were happy to live, guy or no guy?

Whatever our answers to these questions, we aren’t bad, unlovable, or awful – we’re human. But it’s helpful to get really honest and ask ourselves the uncomfortable questions when we notice we’re struggling to let go of a relationship.

So…It’s Never Okay?

All of that said, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. Maybe we don’t even really think of him as an ex, because we only went out on a couple of dates and didn’t even kiss. Maybe we’d been friends long before ever becoming an item, and we hate the thought of losing all those years of friendship. Maybe we have reason to believe that one day, things can work between us again, and we don’t want to totally close the door on that possibility. In these cases, it’s understandable to want to stay in touch, and whether or not we should is a case-by-case scenario.

Closing Thoughts

It’s impossible to say we shouldn’t ever keep in touch with an ex, even just through the occasional “like” on Instagram or a “Hey, hope you’re doing well” text here and there. But for the most part, if we hope at all to get over the relationship, enjoy singleness, and one day find and cultivate a lasting relationship, it’s most likely in our best interest to leave the past in the past – and that includes our ex.

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