Is Your Boyfriend A Narcissist?

Anyone who has been in a relationship with an actual narcissist can tell you that it’s a nightmare. With the recent news of the Vanderpump Rules cheating scandal, there’s a lot of talk on social media about what to look for in a narcissistic boyfriend. Though the signs can be difficult to spot, they’re important to know.

Signs of a Narcissistic Boyfriend

According to the DSM-5, a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) meets at least five of the following nine criteria: “a grandiose sense of self-importance; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; the belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions; need for excessive admiration; sense of entitlement; interpersonally exploitative behavior; lack of empathy; envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them; and demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

A narcissist will have many of these traits (and may or may not have an NPD diagnosis), and you likely know one from any area of life – work, school, friends, or family. While you might think it’s easy to spot a narcissist, one of the most sinister aspects of narcissists is how they approach relationships – they’re charming at the start of a relationship in order to gain your trust. Though not all charming men are narcissists, two behaviors that narcissists display early on in a relationship are love bombing and gaslighting. According to licensed professional counselor Dr. Jerimiya Fox, love bombing is a “manipulation technique used most often by narcissists, and even cult leaders, to gain power over someone. They bomb you with affection, excessive attention, and gifts to ‘lure you in.’ The intention is to make their victim helpless, vulnerable, and indebted to them.” 

Two behaviors that narcissists commonly display early in a relationship are love bombing and gaslighting.

This often hooks the victim into thinking the perpetrator is perfect, would never hurt them, and eventually gives them their full trust and affection. When the manipulation begins, the victim will inevitably long for the days when the narcissist showered them with love, often staying and holding onto the hope that things will go back to the way they once were. This is where gaslighting comes to play. Gaslighting is defined as “a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.” 

Narcissists like to gaslight their victims because it makes them easy to control and often isolates them from friends and family members who are critical of the narcissist. It’s a cruel and manipulative way to make sure the victim doesn’t leave. These sinister signs seem easy to spot, but you’d be surprised at how manipulation can allow narcissists to fly under the radar and make their way into yours or your friends' lives. This brings us to the latest pop culture example of a possible narcissist, Tom Sandoval from Vanderpump Rules.

Is Tom Sandoval a Narcissist?

If you follow anything related to pop culture and entertainment, you’ve likely heard of the latest cheating scandal to come from the hit Bravo reality show, Vanderpump Rules. Dubbed #Scandoval due to the main perpetrator’s last name, the scandal broke on March 3 with the news that fan-favorite couple Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval broke up after nine years together. It was later revealed that Ariana dumped Tom after she discovered that he’d been cheating on her with a former friend and costar Raquel Leviss. What makes it worse is that this wasn’t a one-time hookup; Tom and Raquel have allegedly been having a “love affair” since last August. 

Infidelity isn’t shocking on a show like Vanderpump Rules. There’s at least one cheating scandal every season (or at least it feels like that), but there are two reasons why this scandal was so shocking for fans. The first is that it wasn’t a one-night stand, but a full-blown affair, and the second is the amount of manipulation that was allegedly involved on Tom’s end.

I’m not a psychologist and don’t have the credentials or authority to classify or diagnose someone as a narcissist, but as someone who has seen every episode of Vanderpump Rules, I think it’s safe to say that Tom Sandoval (at the very least) looks like a narcissist. He’s always been one to look out for himself, and viewers have seen it play out in his relationships time after time. It would take forever to detail every red flag in his relationships over the years, but fans can clearly see narcissistic behavior in the midseason trailer of the current season of Vanderpump Rules.

The trailer shows clips that appear to be footage from after the scandal broke. Tom appears to tell Ariana that he “wish they would have both tried harder” and her friends that they “don’t know what’s going on between us.” In a viral clip that nearly broke the internet, he also asks Ariana if she wants anything, seemingly from the kitchen, and she bluntly replies, “For you to die.”

Though we don’t know yet if all of this footage is from the aftermath of the scandal, former Vanderpump Rules cast member and former girlfriend of Tom, Kristen Doute, confirmed that Tom gaslit Ariana when the scandal broke during an interview on the Viall Files podcast. When asked what she knows about the conversation filmed between Tom and Ariana after the scandal broke, she said, "One of the worst things is when they had to have their first conversation and...he was just gaslighting her. There was no genuine apology. He was just saying how she never supports him, she doesn't validate him. [This was] after she found out, and he was blaming her. That is Tom to a tee."

Kristen also believes that Tom decided to cheat with Raquel because she’s younger and easier to control than Ariana. The same sentiment was echoed by former cast member Jax Taylor, who believes that Raquel is “easily influenced” and that Tom “preys on that” and “likes to control.” Though Jax has cheated in the past, he believes that the “lack of empathy and not apologizing” on Tom’s part makes this story disturbing. Jax’s ex-girlfriend and former cast member Stassi Schroeder had a similar take on her podcast, Straight Up With Stassi, where she accused Tom of being a narcissist. She said, "We all knew that Sandoval was an incredibly selfish, narcissistic, and egotistical person who spent 10 years trying to convince everyone he was the good guy. You have to be a new level of evil to do this to someone who has been nothing but a wonderful partner to you."

Current cast members have also weighed in, including Lala Kent. She told TMZ, "Sandoval is a narcissist. He doesn't have that type of emotional capacity to love anything."

While the cast members don’t have the psychological expertise to diagnose Tom either, it’s clear that he displays narcissistic traits including a lack of empathy and gaslighting. Time will tell if love bombing was also involved, but with the fan base he has gained since the show began and the amount of admiration his relationship with Ariana received over the years, it's a great example of how a potentially narcissistic relationship can hide in plain sight.

What To Do If You or a Friend Is Dating a Narcissist

The inconvenient truth is that due to love bombing and gaslighting, it can be tough to realize that you’re dating a narcissist before the damage is done. Another hard truth is that narcissists don’t change, so once you recognize these red flags, it’s best to break off the relationship before you're in too deep. Narcissists tend to emotionally abuse their romantic partners, so there’s a good chance that you’ve already been looking for a way out.

Breaking up with a narcissist can be difficult because they can be manipulative, so it’s important to remind yourself that this isn’t going to look like a normal breakup. He will likely attempt to reach out and try to manipulate his way back into your life, so it’s best to break off all contact (including social media). 

After the breakup, surround yourself with people who love and care about you, preferably family members and close friends who will support you through the healing process. Since a relationship with a narcissist often involves emotional abuse, it’s a good idea to work through it with a therapist.

If you have a friend who you believe is in a relationship with a narcissist, you can have a conversation with her about the red flags you have noticed, but keep in mind that you may not be seeing the whole picture and can't accurately diagnose someone unless you're licensed to do so. If you do try to talk to her about it, there’s also a chance the narcissist will attempt to manipulate her into thinking that you're trying to ruin her relationship, are jealous of her, or that you just don’t want the best for her. The best thing you can do is be there for her during the relationship, no matter what she chooses to do, and support her if she decides to break it off without an "I told you so".

Closing Thoughts

Not every cheater, jerk, or ex is a narcissist, so it's important that we don't falsely label people. True narcissists are infamous for love-bombing and gaslighting their romantic partners, often resulting in manipulation or emotional abuse. Although the jury is still out on whether Tom Sandoval of Vanderpump Rules is truly the latest example of a narcissist, the fact that this scandal is shedding light on such an important topic on a larger scale is important.

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