Is Your Man A Gamer? Here Are 6 Things You Need To Know

There are a few physical and character qualities that most (if not all) women can agree are unattractive in a guy. A lack of direction or motivation, poor hygiene, self-absorption, laziness, and rudeness are all on the list. But the things that women say will instantly turn them off from a guy don’t stop there.

Apparently, hobbies can be attractive and unattractive too. According to a Date Psychology survey, while women rate hobbies like reading, learning other languages, playing an instrument, cooking, and woodworking to be the most attractive hobbies a man can have, a few of the least attractive hobbies included cosplay, clubbing, and drinking. But the hobby deemed unattractive by women that caused the most waves on social media? Video games.

“Men playing video games is peak unattractive. Beyond red flag. Like dealbreaker zone. It’s weird that so many dudes don’t get this,” wrote author Liz Wheeler on X. The comments and similar threads were flooded with women agreeing. “It’s pretty simple,” she continued in a follow-up tweet, “Women are attracted to men based on men’s ability to protect, provide, produce, and procreate. Hobbies that illustrate that ability are attractive to women. Hobbies that do not… are not.” The main takeaway from this tweet and many others like it was that women tend to see video games as violent, time-wasting, consumption-based, anti-social, and sedentary – to the point where even taxidermy was considered to be more attractive.

It seems that many women have a similar perception of gamers. Images of basement dwellers in need of a shower (or two) with Cheeto dust fingers and week-old fast food wrappers laying around come to mind. But I’m going to challenge this perception today and tell you that while there are guys out there who waste time, ignore their responsibilities, and live lonely lives in favor of spending many of their waking hours trying to get to the next save point, they aren’t the rule – they’re the exception.

I’m not just saying this for clicks or brownie points, by the way. I’m speaking from personal experience. I’m married to a man who’s masculine, responsible, attentive to my needs and plans dates, works harder than anyone I know, is well-read and well-spoken, is disciplined and successful. Oh, and he’s a gamer.

It’s my belief that we women haven’t been very fair to gamers, that video games are misunderstood, misinterpreted, and too often disparaged by those who aren’t familiar with them. Here are six things that women need to understand about men, their hobbies, and video games.

It’s Okay for Men To Just Have Fun and Unwind

Men face quite a bit of pressure in their day-to-day lives (women do too, of course, but that isn’t the focus of this article). They’re called on to provide, to chase success, to care for their families. And at the end of a long day full of high stakes and expectations, it’s understandable that they just need to have some fun and unwind – so why the continued pressure to have a hobby that indicates what a good provider and protector he is?

Typical female hobbies like having a low-key spa night, turning on an episode of a silly reality show, or cracking open a pulpy novel don’t exactly indicate whether a woman is a good mother or provider herself, but why should they? Hobbies are a way to unwind, not another place we should have to perform. It’s okay – healthy, even – for men to have a way to relax and have fun, where the pressures of the day and of life don’t exist for a little while.

Video Games Aren’t Anti-Social

Another common misperception about video games? That they’re anti-social and encourage loneliness. First, not every hobby is required to be highly social. When did it become unacceptable to have time to oneself while getting lost in a story? By this logic, reading, a solitary act, should be considered unattractive as well – and yet, reading is considered an attractive hobby to have.

Second, video games can actually be an incredibly social activity. On online multiplayer games, players are placed on servers with countless other gamers from all around the world that they can play and team up with. Not to mention, in the midst of the pandemic, when traveling and socializing was off the table, my husband connected with friends that he wasn’t able to see in person by playing video games together. In between catching the bad guys and leveling up, they laughed and caught up.

They Aren’t Just Time Wasters

Women see a guy with a controller in his hands and think of all the time he’s wasting. After all, it’s a game – supposedly what children spend their time doing, not grown men. Shouldn’t he be building a table or working on a car or stuffing an animal instead?

It’s true that some video games are light and silly; this doesn’t make them worthless, however. Not every romance novel needs to be Wuthering Heights or Gone with the Wind, right? But video games, especially these days, are often closer to works of art than they are just a way to waste time. They combine visual art, performance, story, and music, not unlike the way films do. Except with video games, the player is not only consuming the story but is also an active participant in it. Game series like The Last of Us (which became a hit HBO show), Red Dead Redemption, Alan Wake, The Elder Scrolls, and Uncharted are perfect examples of this.

It’s Not Wrong for Guys To Have Their Own Space

I’ve often heard women express their wariness of video games as a worry of what might happen when they’re not present. The thought of mostly male spaces sets off alarms in their heads. A group of guys together can only lead to trouble and mischief, or to him realizing that he prefers to spend his time with the guys than with his girlfriend or wife. Women aren’t the biggest fans of guys having a space where they aren’t invited to join.

What I’ve found, though, is that if this insecurity is present, it’s something to be dealt with on our own, not by placing it upon his shoulders to fix or quell by not having guy time. Wouldn’t we say the same thing if a guy got cagey every time his girlfriend wanted to have a girls’ night? Having our own space where we can either soak up introverted time or hang out with friends in a relationship is vital, even for the most in love couples. Guys aren’t wrong for desiring a place to just be boys, and it doesn’t mean they’re up to anything unsavory. Not to mention, a guy playing a video game in the other room is hardly as worrisome as hitting the bar with his bros.

Gaming Can Bring You Closer Together

Yes, it’s good for guys to have their own space. But what many women don’t get is that they, too, can play video games with their guy from time to time, and rather than being something that causes separation in a relationship, video games can actually bring you closer together.

My husband and I have movie nights like any other couple, and they’re always fun. But what has become a bonding experience that I didn’t see coming is our gaming nights where we take turns playing through a game together. Not only are we making decisions, laughing, and discovering the game’s world together, but we’re playing incredible games that often have a compelling female lead and aren’t terribly difficult to learn the controls for and make for a night in that’s more fun and connective than just watching another movie together. Past games we’ve played include the Life is Strange series, The Wolf Among Us, Firewatch, Until Dawn, Heavy Rain, and Hitman. 

Video Games Aren’t the Root of Your Relationship’s Problems

Video games are often seen as the reason a relationship has problems. Without his games, women tell themselves, he wouldn’t spend hours in front of a screen and ignore me all night. It’s absolutely true that it’s possible to overdo video games and it’s hurtful to feel like you have to compete with a game for even a modicum of his attention.

But video games aren’t the problem. If he’s become distant and spends all of his free time gaming, there’s something deeper going on that wouldn’t disappear if you took his PlayStation away. He would simply find another way to withdraw, whether by looking at TikTok, scrolling on social media, or hiding in his man cave all day and night. If his video game usage has reached worrisome levels, I’d recommend going to couples counseling to address the problem rather than banning video games themselves.

Closing Thoughts

It’s entirely possible for a man who plays video games to be responsible, attentive, hardworking, and even attractive. I would know, since I’m married to one. I love gaming with my husband sometimes, but I’m also glad that he’s found a hobby that he enjoys, whether he’s playing another round of Apex Legends or getting lost in a new, visually stunning video game world.