Jennifer Lopez Reveals What Brought Her Back To Ben Affleck And Why She Still Loves The Nickname He Made For Her 20 Years Ago

Jennifer Lopez, 53, is one of the most recognized faces on the planet. She has done everything from produce successful studio albums to star in hit movies to launch her own skincare line. Even though she's done it all, she has always had trouble finding love. She has been married four times and has had two engagements that were broken off (including with Ben the first time around). But Jennifer opened up to Vogue about how she finally reunited with the one person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Jennifer Lopez Reveals What Brought Her Back To Ben Affleck

Jennifer said her first go around with Ben Affleck was riddled with rough patches, sharing that there were "people not wanting us to be together" because they evidently weren't right for each other. Their relationship was also scrutinized heavily in the tabloids, which made things even harder, and that was partly because they were so open about their love from the start.

“We were so young and so in love at that time, really very carefree, with no kids, no attachments. And we were just living our lives, being happy and out there. It didn’t feel like we needed to hide from anybody or be real discreet. We were just living out loud, and it turned out to really bite us," she shares. “I became very guarded because I realized that they will fillet you. I really wish I could say more. I used to be like that. I am like that. But I’ve also learned.”

They parted ways in 2004 after a few years together, only to find themselves back together in 2021. However, in the meantime, they both went on to further their own careers and start families. Jennifer had twins with Marc Anthony, but was left a single mother when they were young. Ben married Jennifer Garner and they had three children together. Jennifer says it wasn't really until 2011 when she started her journey of self-discovery that helped her get to where she is today.

She had hit a low point in her career when she accepted the role of judge on American Idol, and it turned out to be one of the best things for her career. People fell in love with her because she was entirely herself—"Although it was a competition, it was a reality show"—and suddenly she was back in the spotlight. Meanwhile, she also dove deep into herself and her blind spots.

“You turn yourself into a pretzel for people and think that that’s a noble thing, to put yourself second," she says. "And it’s not. Those patterns become deep patterns that you carry with you, and then at a certain point you go, Wait, this doesn’t feel good. Why am I never happy? I really felt that way for a long time. And finally I was just like, Ugh! It’s time to figure me out because I need to be good for these babies. And even from there, with all the willingness I had, it took years and years to really put the pieces together, like, Oh, this thing I do because of this, that thing I do because that happened to me at this age.”

She did therapy, life coaching, meditation, and even psychotherapy to help herself overcome all of her mental barriers. All the while, she still had a thing for Ben, and this was well known amongst people closest to her. When she broke up with retired baseball star Alex Rodriguez, Ben reached out to her, as he had just broken up with actress Ana de Armas. They started talking again and spending time together, but privately.

“Obviously we weren’t trying to go out in public,” she says. “But I never shied away from the fact that for me, I always felt like there was a real love there, a true love there. People in my life know that he was a very, very special person in my life. When we reconnected, those feelings for me were still very real.”

Jennifer Lopez Shares Her Favorite Nickname From Ben Affleck

After going through their own separate challenges over the course of nearly two decades, they found each other once again and felt ready to rekindle their love. Ben had struggled with alcoholism for a long time and only recently started working hard on longterm sobriety. Jennifer, on the other hand, has come to terms with her failures in love and marriage.

“I have to forgive myself for the things that I did that I’m not proud of, the choices that I made that worked against me. Self-love is really about boundaries. Learning what you’re comfortable with and putting up the boundaries, not being afraid of the consequences. Knowing that in taking care of yourself, everything will turn out okay, that people will treat you the way you want to be treated and your life will feel good to you," she adds.

Their blended family is doing well together, and they live in Los Angeles. Even though it's been two decades since their first relationship, Jennifer still loves the nickname Ben had for her in the beginning: Little. Ben is six foot four and Jennifer is five foot five, so there was always a height difference between them. When they got back together, Jennifer said she loved hearing that nickname again because it reminds her of the innocent person she once was.

"You come out the other side, and you’re better, you’re stronger, you’re good on your own. But there’s a little piece of that former self that was totally open, innocent, and unafraid, that is gone. Sometimes I mourn that, because I’m such a romantic," she shares. "And because I loved that person so much... That old me? She was sweet."