Judging Yourself Is The Ultimate Act Of Self-Love

Instead, it’s been replaced by the cultural crusade of “self-love.” This campaign, which is touted by everyone from motivational speakers to mental health experts, is publicized as the definitive tool to better our lives. If we have low self-esteem, mental health issues, relationship problems, failures in the professional world or failures in life in general, the key to overcoming these hurdles is always advertised as loving and accepting ourselves more.

An academic study on the subject of narcissism tells us that this particular trait has been on the rise over the past few decades, and coincidentally, we’re more disillusioned, more unhappy, and more depressed than ever before. Surely loving ourselves more is all we need to feel fulfilled, or so we’re led to believe. In actuality, we’ve been deceived about how to learn this process. Contrary to popular belief, judging yourself is in fact the ultimate act of self-love.

Is It Self-Love or Selfishness?

Self-love is a broad term (perhaps by design), but it likely originated with the best of intentions. We all want to live full, more productive lives, and oftentimes, our own insecurities, lack of stability, inability to move on from the past or actualize the future can all get in our way. Self-love is touted as putting ourselves first so we can function better, similar to the concept of putting on your own oxygen mask first so you can help others after the fact. But with the postmodern version of self-love, we’re primed to move on by ourselves after putting on our mask rather than stay behind and assist others with theirs.

The issue with self-love as we know it today is that it can often disguise and encourage pure narcissism. Take one illustration that’s commonly accepted as a form of self-love: cutting toxic people out of our lives. It should be said that any person who is abusive, manipulative, or uses us for their own ends and to our detriment, be it a family member, friend, or otherwise, has no productive place in our life. But, is the person we’re being told to cut out really “gaslighting” us, or offering gentle criticism that comes from a good place? Are they really emotionally abusing us, or telling us something we don’t like to hear, but desperately need to? It’s a fine line to be sure, but an important one. It’s very easy to become accustomed to having yes men around us which we use to enable a victim mentality – it’s even harder to keep the people who really want what’s best for us around, especially if it’s not comforting to hear what they have to say.

One problem with self-love is that we can label any behavior, however toxic, selfish, or irresponsible, as self-love. 

Another problem with self-love is that we can label any behavior, however toxic, selfish, or imprudent and irresponsible it might be, as self-love. Spending too much money on frivolous things or eating more than necessary could be called acts of self-love, if they’re spun the right way. Hurting another person unnecessarily or spending too much time focused on ourselves are often called self-love. From our perspective, we’re living the “best life” we can when we engage in acts of self-love without consideration or forethought. The best way to distinguish between acts of self-love and pure selfishness is having the capability to be able to examine those behaviors from an honest perspective and not one of delusion.

Living in Reality, Refusing Denial

Recognizing the good in us is all very well, but are we honest enough to also recognize the bad? What about when we do something wrong and we’re called out on it – are we offended at being taken to task for our mistake, or do we accept the criticism? Self-love is easier for some of us than others because it’s uncomplicated and undemanding to accept ourselves for who we think we are. It’s an even harder task and far more complex to see ourselves for who we actually are, warts and all.

It’s effortless – and seemingly more rewarding – to see ourselves as oppressed or to view all bad things in our lives as something that happens to us, not as something we potentially chose. But one of the simplest ways we can cure ourselves of this mentality is by changing our language and by changing the way we use introspection in our lives.

Instead of constantly distancing ourselves from our own mistakes and errors, we can try taking ownership of them. Instead of saying “this happened to me” or “I found myself in this situation,” we can say, “I did this” and “I chose this path.” The road of honesty is hard, but more productive and more rewarding than one of denial. 

The most ardent proponents of self-love are constantly preaching the benefits of introspection. When we’re introspective, we can become cocooned in a reality of our own making and put the responsibility on outer factors for our own unhappiness. But an expert on self-awareness, Dr. Tasha Eurich, studied hundreds of individuals and noticed a common theme: Those who described themselves as the most introspective were also the most unhappy and the most stressed. As Dr. Eurich explains, constantly “thinking about ourselves isn’t related to knowing ourselves.” Maybe that’s because we’re going about how we think about ourselves in all the wrong ways.

The Key To Actualizing Self-Love

How is it that judgment of ourselves, not pride, vanity, and self-aggrandizement masquerading as acceptance, is the ultimate act of self-love? Bear in mind that we’re not talking about self-loathing or self-hatred – which is nothing more than introspection to a toxic degree – but rather the capability of having an honest, critical eye regarding both our faults and our virtues.

It’s possible to judge yourself and have that examination result in better behavior, better thoughts, and better actions.

Self-judgment is often regarded with negativity because it’s seen as the antithesis of self-love (which we should all be ascribing to). Self-judgment which results in misery and distress is not productive – but it is possible to judge your own self and have that examination result in better behavior, better thoughts and actions, and better treatment of ourselves and others.

We should judge ourselves because we love ourselves too much to live in denial. We should practice self-judgment because we love ourselves and our well-being too much to let our own narcissism filter how we see the world and see others, and what’s more, dictate our behavior. When we practice self-judgment, we have the clarity needed to know that our faults have the ability to determine our actions. But healthy self-judgment is knowing that we can work to overcome these problems and not languish in them, ignore them, or blame others for them. 

Let’s look at an example using both self-love and self-judgment. Say that either through your words or actions, you deeply hurt a loved one. When we’re cocooned in the bubble of “self-love,” we might see this gaffe as us merely “setting boundaries” with that person, or “just being honest.” We might know deep inside that this was not the right thing to do, but our pride won’t let us apologize and so we double down on the mistake. When we replace that mindset with judgment instead, we use empathy and humility to acknowledge what we’ve done and how we hurt that person. Then, we’re better equipped to make things right. 

Closing Thoughts

Self-love is often advertised as being kind to yourself, but does it really benefit anyone to be devoid of self-awareness? Self-love without perspective or the ability for judgment is unproductive and detrimental to our well-being. Being able to look at all of the products of our consciousness with a truly critical discernment, and not an overbearingly forgiving or dismissive mindset, will benefit our lives much more than constantly relying on behaviors which only further self-obsession.

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