Marrying Yourself Is Peak Millennial Narcissistic Behavior

It’s no longer good enough to say “I do” and promise you’ll stand by one man’s side ‘til death do you two part. We’ve watched as the behemoth wedding industry, coupled with social media FOMO, dragged engaged couples deeper and deeper into debt over a milestone which was once far less commercialized and commodified, and far more revered and regarded for being deeply consequential. While I, perhaps, view certain elements of the wedding industry with a bit too much scrutiny (I mean, if you want the fairytale experience, you’re certainly entitled to it, but please consider if it’s truly worth going beyond your means!), at least if people are now spending $29,000 on average to tie the knot, they’re up at the altar with another person. Right?

Because we live in baffling times, that’s just not always guaranteed. Enter the concept of sologamy (also known as self-marriage), which isn’t necessarily new but appears to fade in and out of obscurity every few years. Senior writer Faith Karimi at CNN recently penned an article titled “These women wanted a symbolic expression of self-love. So they married themselves,” which got me wondering: Have we reached peak narcissism, or are we only scraping the surface of just how deep our self-obsession can go?

Sologamists Apparently Marry Themselves

Were you aware of the fact that Adriana Lima once married herself? Indeed, the Brazilian supermodel orchestrated her own symbolic ceremony in 2017 and explained to her Instagram followers that her ring was a symbol to demonstrate her commitment to herself and her own happiness.

According to Brides writer Rosie Bell, sologamy isn’t necessarily a proclamation of singledom or celibacy. No, self-marriage practitioners may be “happily unattached, looking for a partner, or already in a committed relationship with another person.” It’s not legally binding, you won’t benefit from any tax breaks, and you don’t get to change your marital status. Self-marriage is a performative gesture, so this trend lacks any legal merit. What it does appear to promise – in lieu of a lifetime of respect, support, protection, loyalty, and love from your spouse – is an opportunity to supposedly gain a sense of catharsis as you radically declare self-compassion and rediscover who you are. It comes as no surprise to me at all that sologamy appears to be more popular among women than men.

One of the women which Karimi spotlighted, 34-year-old Brittany Rist, walked herself down an “aisle” in her backyard, read her own vows alone to her mirrored reflection (such as never settling or abandoning herself through future romantic endeavors), and then ended her officiant and guest-free “soul commitment ceremony” with a solo toast at her solo reception. She has since married a real male partner, but continues to wear her “self-marriage ring on her right hand as a reminder of the commitment she made to herself.”

It’s worth noting that Karimi does her due diligence and highlights sologamist storytellers from a variety of generations – not just millennials. That said, Rist had quite a few fellow millennial predecessors. For instance, in 2017, Vogue highlighted a 36-year-old writer named Sasha Cagen who threw herself a sologamous wedding. A video of Cagen’s wedding went viral, which she alleged caused hate mail and invasions of privacy. On her intentions, she stated: “For me, self-marriage was a really deep act of self-acceptance. To marry myself was to say I accept myself; all of me, even the parts that don’t look pretty, such as jealousy or occasional depressions. To say this out loud to friends would feel different and more powerful than just journaling or saying it to a therapist.”

Cagen won’t tell other people she’s married to herself in conversation and even remarked that only the right man would understand sologamy. Though Cagen’s self-wedding was supposedly very private and quiet, some other sologamists take a less modest approach to self-marriage festivities.

Last year, a story from India went viral when Kshama Bindu, a 24-year-old Gujarati woman, had an extravagant wedding ceremony sans groom. She wore traditional Indian wedding finery and jewelry, offered her guests an “elaborate menu for the three-day gala,” and even took herself on a two-week honeymoon to the tropical state of Goa. 

Then, there was body-positivity influencer and life coach Danni Adams who intended to have a big sologamy party, but her plans were postponed due to Covid-19 lockdowns. She still ended up having nine bridesmaids and 40 guests, who watched as she read vows to her reflection in a full-length mirror. The bill totaled around $4,000, though it's unclear if that included her ring, accompanying jewelry, and honeymoon to Tulum, Mexico.

Who Said You Can’t Work on Yourself Before (or While, or After!) You Find a Man?

Look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to come to terms with who you are inside, develop a sense of self-worth, and improve your happiness. Real, holy matrimony changes your life in so many ways, and while it’s very normal (and healthy) to grow with your spouse rather than jump into marriage fully formed, I can understand why it may seem appealing to really work on yourself ahead of marriage.

A natural reaction to sologamy is recognizing the patterns between autosexuality and narcissism. Supporters of these symbolic ceremonies often claim that there’s nothing narcissistic going on and that we shouldn’t discourage people from learning how to love themselves – and I’d more or less agree with the latter. But despite any good intentions, sologamy disguises and may even encourage selfish behavior while also further dissolving the sanctity of marriage.

Our modern understanding of marriage has shifted from an institutional model to a romantic model, according to the Institute for Family Studies (IFS). Traditionally, marriage has functioned as a “social institution with moral obligations,” which IFS said “forms the core of families, promotes social stability, and endures, fluctuating emotions notwithstanding.”

On the flip side, our increasingly liberal, individualist society has redefined this time-honored tradition and, as a result, devalued it. Now, we place emotion above obligation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that someone should enter into a loveless marriage. But, this self-centered culture we’ve fostered has now ushered in an era of people cohabiting indefinitely, having children out of wedlock, and divorcing on a whim. 

I know they’re not necessarily representative of the greater population, but honestly, look no further than our entertainment industry “role models” like the Kardashians. Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries lasted a meager 72 days, and her second marriage to Kanye West which resulted in four children lasted six years; Khloe Kardashian’s marriage to Lamar Odom lasted seven years, but she didn’t have her two children until coupling with her boyfriend Tristan Thompson; Kourtney Kardashian’s relationship with boyfriend Scott Disick lasted nine years and resulted in three children, but now she’s married to Travis Barker and just publicly announced her pregnancy by holding up a big sign at his concert; Kylie Jenner didn’t even wait until marriage to have two children with Travis Scott (who she has recently split from).

On her self-love journey post-Ye divorce, Kim Kardashian told Vogue: “For so long, I did what made other people happy, and I think in the last two years I decided, I’m going to make myself happy and that feels really good … even if that created changes and caused my divorce, I think it’s important to be honest with yourself about what really makes you happy. I’ve chosen myself. I think it’s okay to choose you."

Self-Love Culture Inevitably Devolves into Self-Obsession

This reflects the broader issue at hand with people (but largely women) embracing the unequivocal self-love movement that honestly just encourages selfish behavior. We’re sending the false message to impressionable young women that placing your own happiness before others will lead to fulfillment. We’re encouraging an attitude of “deserving” rather than “earning,” and indulging in these “treat yo’self” behaviors in lieu of truly reflecting and feeling grateful for all of life’s blessings.

A few puzzling questions come to mind when I see people engage in these feel-good acts of “self-love.” Why is it necessary to announce to the world that you love yourself if you’re not seeking attention? Some sologamists may say that making public proclamations helps to hold them accountable to their personal vows, but does that need to come at the expense of a real social institution that bears immense weight and meaning? Would it not be sufficient enough to confide your innermost feelings to trusted individuals instead of posting about it on Instagram in what would appear to be a clout chase?

Acts of unequivocal “self-love” through self-marriage feel like they just disguise or encourage narcissistic behaviors. For years now, cultural critics have acknowledged a generational increase in entitlement and other narcissistic personality traits. Millennials were slapped with the title “Generation Me” back in 2007 by Professor Jean M. Twenge. Worse, narcissistic personality traits have been likened to an epidemic, growing just as fast as our ever-worsening obesity epidemic. Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat certainly haven’t reversed this trend, as photo-sharing apps encourage people to curate a feed full of heavily-filtered selfies or “candid” photos. We all compete in the attention economy to feel seen, but we’re also afforded the opportunity to present idealized versions of ourselves. 

Self-marriage is intended to instill a healthy dose of self-esteem in yourself, but studies have shown that coddling and overinflating achievements can actually leave a person feeling more insecure and emptier than before. Self-esteem has to be earned, otherwise your efforts may breed narcissistic traits. Narcissism arises when you’re overcompensating for any feelings of inadequacy you may be harboring. Perhaps you’re scrolling through Instagram, and your friend’s dreamy vacation pictures cause you to start coveting the clout you too could earn if you post your vacation pictures. There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to share some fun memories, but if you allow that to fester into self-obsession, treating every moment of your trip as an opportunity to snap an enviable picture, you’re turning your milestones into self-promotion.

There’s no easy, drug-like sense of validation earned for just becoming self-confident and living out that truth. You don’t get influencer points for simply being happy and fulfilled offline, the sort of thing you may feel when you do enter into holy matrimony with your spouse. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the very act of posting wedding photos and certainly wouldn’t say that all people post them just to affirm their egos. The major difference between public declarations of love for yourself and public declarations of love for another person is that at least with the latter, you’re not just placing yourself alone on a pedestal.

Timothy Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage contains many useful insights about this social tradition, but a few of the most important ones completely refute self-marriage. Keller wrote how marriage is “two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love, and consolation – a haven in a heartless world.” He asserted that you are not to live for yourself, but rather live for the other, serving them with the joy that will in turn, bring you happiness and fulfillment.

Furthermore, Keller wrote that being “fully known and truly loved” in marriage “humbles us out of our self-righteousness.” Through this mission, you transform into someone you likely wouldn’t have been without them because, in marriage, you’re allowing your spouse full rein to discover traits you may have hidden (and honestly can’t find on your own, no matter how much digging gets done) and help you become a better person. It goes without saying that, when married, you too get to play this role in your spouse’s life. These are all crucial elements of marriage that aren’t found if you’re not actually serving another human being.

Closing Thoughts

For the women who self-marry and then end up tying the knot with a man down the line, I’m relieved you found your way to the truth eventually. For women who don’t want to get married, you can actually just choose to be single. That path isn’t right for my own life, but it’s a fair and valid decision to just not bother with marriage whatsoever. 

But don’t get it twisted, these self-aggrandizing ceremonies cannot be lumped in with the concept of marriage because these public ceremonies lack any substantive purpose beyond public affirmation. I mean, you’re honestly better off popping the champagne to celebrate a milestone in your career or your graduation from college. Genuine self-love is important, but sologamy truly waters down the act of developing self-esteem and the real meaning behind marriage.

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