My Boyfriend Says He Doesn’t Want Kids. Will He Change His Mind In The Future Or Should I Accept This And Move On?

Everyone says that you and your boyfriend couldn’t be a better match. Whether you’re eerily similar, different in all the best ways, or complete opposites, you feel like he’s the right match in so many ways. You laugh at the same jokes, care about the same issues, and want the same things. Well, except for one thing.

You want kids. He doesn’t. The first time he said he didn’t want them, you tried not to think much of it. He’s probably just not ready for them yet, but he’ll change his mind, you thought. But then he made another comment or two about never having kids, and you began to wonder: Is he sure? Does he really never want kids? Is he only saying that because he hasn’t really thought about it, or has he actually thought about it and decided he doesn't want children? 

Surely he’ll change his mind in the future … right?

Is He Going To Change His Mind?

You’ve kept on assuring yourself that all he needs is a little more time to mature before his natural desire to pass on his genes kicks in. He just needs to feel like he’s lived for himself before he can think about bringing children into the picture, right? But surely it’s only a matter of time until he sees a baby out in public and thinks “I want one of my own.”

Not necessarily. Sometimes, people do change their mind about having children. They simply required a bit more time to chase after their dreams, gain experience, grow up, shift their perspective, and feel ready for that kind of long-term, lifelong commitment. 

But for a growing number of American adults, not having kids isn’t something they’re changing their mind about. Since 2018, the number of childless adults ages 18-49 who say they are “not too” or “not at all” likely to ever have kids has increased 7%, up to 44% – making childlessness more and more common. And once something becomes commonplace, even expected, there’s less impetus to reevaluate our decisions – because now, they’re normal.

Should I Just Accept It and Move On?

Are you supposed to just cut your losses and move on? Perhaps. If he explicitly tells you he doesn’t ever want children, it’s in your best interest to believe him. The likelihood is that if never having children is a choice he’s stuck with for long enough, then he’s not going to change his mind. This is a tough pill to swallow if you’re in love with him, but it’s best to accept this sooner rather than later. 

If he explicitly tells you he doesn’t ever want children, it’s in your best interest to believe him. 

While it’s common for men ages 18-49 to not want children (in one 2018 survey, just over 20% of men in this age group said they weren’t going to have kids), it isn’t wise to invest your time (which, from a biological standpoint, is limited) into a relationship that requires a change he isn’t willing to make or has to be convinced to make. Just as you’re allowed to want children, he’s allowed to not want them.

Why Would You Have Kids With a Man Who Doesn't Want Them?

Having children is a life-changing decision. Suddenly, your time is not your own anymore. There’s a helpless (albeit cute) little being who relies on you for absolutely everything. For the first few years, you’re getting far less sleep, have hardly any “me time,” and will often wonder if you’re doing any of it “right.”

With that said, it’s best not to embark on the lifelong adventure of parenthood with someone who isn’t nearly as invested in it as you are. You’ll need (and deserve) a man who’s 100% in, who’ll support you through pregnancy or walk through the adoption process by your side, who’s willing to be the one to get up with the baby in the middle of the night, who’ll help calm the storm of a toddler tantrum, who’ll go talk to his hormonal teenage son, who wants to be a father. 

How To Not Fall for Another Guy Who Doesn’t Want Kids

At the risk of sounding unromantic, we have to walk into a first date with a dating checklist and an understanding of our non-negotiables in order to date wisely and use our time well. This means being a bit more choosy with whom you move beyond the dating phase and into the relationship phase with – because the reality is that we shouldn’t date someone with the intention of changing them.

This means that as soon as it’s appropriate (whether it comes up naturally on the first date or within the first few), mention that you want children and assess his reaction. Then, make sure you're clear about what he wants: If he even wants kids, when he might want them, how many he’d like to have, etc. Without bombarding him with 20 questions, it’s important to know whether you align on something as significant as having children or not before allowing yourself to get emotionally invested.

Closing Thoughts

It’s painful to break up with a guy you really felt was right in every other way aside from not wanting children. And it’s tempting to wait it out, to concoct a plan to convince him to become a father one day, but this will only breed resentment in him and waste your time. The right guy – the guy who’ll want to have kids with you – is out there. Be wise about how you search for him, and the rest will fall into place.

Don’t miss anything! Sign up for our weekly newsletter and get curated content weekly!