Never Learned How To Apologize? Here’s How You Can Start Giving Meaningful Apologies And Repair Your Relationships

I’m sorry – these two little words are normally everyone’s least favorite to say. The majority of us would rather receive an apology than ever have to offer one. Apologizing can feel unfair, even totally unnatural to us. We typically don’t feel like apologizing, even if we can see our misstep or mistake. After all, was whatever happened really all our fault? Why should we be the first to say we’re sorry?

But despite our general distaste for having to admit our wrongdoings, apologies are an unavoidable aspect of being in a relationship of any kind. We’re bound to hurt our boyfriend’s, friend’s, or sister’s feelings – and choosing not to deal with that reality by sidestepping an apology will only hurt the relationship, even if avoiding that responsibility feels more comfortable in the short term. 

So for those of us who never learned how to apologize, where do we even start?

What Were You Taught To Do instead of Apologizing?

Before we can understand and master the art of apologizing, we should examine what we were taught to do instead. Did we ever have to apologize to our siblings growing up, or were we taught to sweep everything under the rug, pretending the disagreement never happened? Or were we told to apologize, but we could get away with mumbling, “I guess I’m sorry,” while rolling our eyes?

In order to begin to learn how to properly apologize, we have to know exactly what habits we’re trying to change – whether we’re having to learn when it’s appropriate to say we’re sorry, or how to be genuine in our apology. Honestly explore what “apologizing” looked like for you growing up.

Be Genuine and Specific When You Apologize

The words “I’m sorry” will only get us so far when we’re trying to patch things up with someone. If we want to offer an apology that will reach the recipient and let them know we’re being genuine in our apology, then we have to be specific.

What are we apologizing for? Why do we regret our words/actions? What exactly did we make the other person feel? Here’s an example: “I’m sorry I cracked that joke in front of all your friends. That was really thoughtless of me. It must’ve made you feel embarrassed.” 

For an apology to really mean something and repair a relationship, it can’t be general or vague, and we shouldn’t make the other person feel like we’re just checking off a requirement and apologizing because we feel we have to.

Ask for Forgiveness

Being specific in our apology will help the recipient feel it’s more genuine, but to truly show them we’re not only admitting to our wrongdoing but want to right our wrongs, we should ask for forgiveness. Simply apologizing might not “let us off the hook” in the other person’s eyes. Asking them for forgiveness will allow them to feel like they have a part in the relationship’s restoration.

Show Too, Don’t Just Tell

Verbally apologizing is just the first step. Our apology will only mean as much as we make it mean – and the worst kind of apology is one that seemed genuine only for the behavior to continue. Apologies need to be backed up with actions and ought to signal a change in behavior and habits; otherwise, they’ll end up ringing hollow. 

For example, if we apologize to our roommate for constantly leaving the sink messy, our apology will mean nothing if we don’t start cleaning up after ourselves. Before saying we’re sorry, we should think about how we’re going to change our behavior in order for our apology to count. Make a mental outline or list of what will change, and even let the recipient of the apology know what you plan on altering.

Closing Thoughts

Saying we’re sorry doesn’t come naturally to anyone, but it’s a skill worth learning if we want to have healthy relationships. In order to be a good friend or sister, and a loving wife or girlfriend, we have to learn the art of apologizing well.

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