Painful Sex And Porn: Why Men Have Unrealistic Expectations For What Women Like In Bed

*This article is intended for readers 18 years old and older.*

Unfortunately, many young people turn to porn as a primary educator when they have natural questions and curiosities. As the average age of first exposure is 13.7 years of age, young males are filled with images of fellatio, rough sex, and protection-free intercourse, so is it any wonder so many men are in the dark about women’s erotic satisfaction? 

Here are five myths porn has taught us about sex and why men have unrealistic expectations. 

1. Pleasurable Intercourse Happens With No Preparation

Unlike men, women usually need more time to warm up before they feel comfortable with intercourse or genital play. Most women need 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay, such as hugging, kissing, or whole-body massage, before going ahead with penetration. In fact, when women are asked what they dislike about the way men have sex, most respond that men rush into penetration too quickly. 

Performers in porn are always ready for intercourse, but real women take time and attention to fully enjoy the experience. They aren’t perpetually wet, and being rushed is not only a turn-off, but it can lead to an uncomfortable, painful experience for the woman. Some women may even require lubricant, as wetness varies according to the phase of her menstrual cycle she’s in at the time.

Real women take time and attention to fully enjoy the experience. 

2. All Women Enjoy Cunnilingus

Every person’s pleasures are different. But in porn, the popularity of oral sex is vastly overstated, and it tends to show cunnilingus in a more aggressive way than most women would prefer. The clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve fibers, which makes it a very sensitive area. For some women, it’s so sensitive that even the most delicate tonguing still feels uncomfortable and they prefer not to have it at all. Others prefer men to lick around the clitoris, not directly on it. 

3. Rough Sex Is Normal

One of the greatest myths porn portrays is that women enjoy rough, degrading sex. Although there is a tiny minority of women for whom this is true (although these women may be misguided as to why they consent to this kind of sex), the vast majority do not enjoy being treated this way. This is simply a fantasy of violent men — men who are turned on by abusing women.

Previously, this kind of sex was frowned upon by society, and it was a kink that men would have to repress, but that’s no longer the society we live in. Alongside porn normalizing rough sex, the feminist argument pushes the narrative that as long as the kink is consensual, anything goes. 

However, this has led to women being coerced into performing sex acts they feel uncomfortable with. For example, a UK survey of over 22,000 adult women reported 16% had been forced or coerced to perform sex acts the other person had seen in porn. What's more, another study found that when engaging in anal sex, 72% of women experience pain, and “large proportions” don’t tell their partners this. 

Women are unhappy performing many of the acts seen in porn.

For many of the acts seen in porn, women are unhappy performing them, but unfortunately, they feel they must do so to appease their partners.

4. Strangulation Can Be Performed Safely

Another kink that has been glorified and promoted by porn is strangulation during sex. The media, such as Men’s Health, portrays the idea that strangling your partner can be performed “safely.” This simply isn’t true. Strangulation sex is very dangerous, and in a study looking at the neuropsychological outcomes of non-fatal strangulation in domestic and sexual violence, it was found that it could lead to cardiac arrest, stroke, miscarriage, incontinence, speech disorders, seizures, paralysis, and other forms of long-term brain injury.

The lead author of the study, Dr. Helen Bichard, reported that the injuries sustained aren’t always visible and may show hours, or even days, after strangulation. And, in an interview with the British journalist and author Louise Perry, Dr. Bichard dispels the myth that it could ever be performed safely, saying, “I cannot see a way of safely holding a neck so that you wouldn’t be pressing on any fragile structures.” 

5. Strangulation During Sex Is Enjoyable for Women

Whether or not strangulation is actually a female kink is also curious. A 2019 study surveyed 2,002 women in the UK between 18 and 39 and found that half of the 18- to 24-year-olds surveyed had been strangled during sex, with many respondents reporting that this experience was unwanted and frightening. 

This is something Louise Perry covers in her book The Case Against The Sexual Revolution. She writes, “It is certainly true that a fetish for auto-erotic asphyxiation is attractive to some men, and, every now and again, men with a sexual interest in strangulation will be found dead, having accidentally killed themselves during a misjudged masturbation session. But a fetish for strangling oneself is vanishingly rare among women, so much so that I have not been able to find a single case in the UK of a woman accidentally killing herself during an auto-erotic asphyxiation attempt gone wrong, with the notable exception of 21-year-old Hope Barden, who died in 2019, having been paid to hang herself on webcam by Jerome Danger, a sexual sadist obsessed with extreme porn.”

Men who strangle women during sex typically do so to show how powerful they are.

Perry argues that if women were truly turned on by strangulation, then they would also be performing the act themselves, alone. In her research, she found that the women who seek out strangulation have a “very particular” and “misguided” understanding of what strangulation means when a man does it to them during sex. “To put it bluntly, many of these women are as deluded as the victim of domestic violence,” she writes. This is because many domestic abuse victims mistake their partner’s punch to the face as a sign of a man’s love, desire, and passion for them.

Similarly, men who strangle women during sex typically do so because of their “fragile ego.” They don’t strangle their partner out of passion or for their partner’s pleasure; they do it to show how powerful they are. 

Closing Thoughts

From porn addictions to the normalization of violence against women, pornography has a lot to answer for when it comes to sexual dissatisfaction and confusion. Men have become victims of porn-induced erectile dysfunction, while women feel obligated to appease a man’s violent sexual fantasies, all perpetuated by the feminists who argue that kinks shouldn’t be repressed and only consent matters. This ideology makes casual sex all the more dangerous for women, with many reporting frightening experiences during one-night stands.

Often, the confusion created by porn can leak into romantic relationships, as some women feel obligated to try out acts their boyfriends or husbands have seen in porn. In a loving relationship, neither partner should feel forced to do something they don’t want to do simply to appease their partner. Both partners feeling safe and comfortable is vital to mutual sexual satisfaction and pleasurable exploration in the bedroom.