PSA: Don't Be The Couple That Fights Publicly—Use These Tips The Next Time You’re Heading For A Heated Argument

We’ve all been there – at a theme park, at the grocery store, over dinner in a restaurant, or even in a group of friends, when we suddenly hear raised voices and accusatory words being exchanged between a couple who seem to have forgotten they aren’t in their living room.

Eek, we immediately think. We’re obviously witnessing something we aren’t supposed to be and have to wonder why they’re having this uncomfortable confrontation in the middle of a busy store aisle. We slowly shrink away, deciding we didn’t really need to get avocados anyway.

But what’s even worse is being the couple that’s causing a scene, getting everyone in the entire store to take sneaky peeks and widen their eyes at one another in shock at our behavior. There’s nothing more embarrassing than realizing every single person will be talking about us on the way home: “Did you see that couple? They’re headed for Splitsville.”

At the very least, it makes those around you feel uncomfortable and awkward, and at the most, you're ruining their romantic date or happy moment. Fighting publicly never sheds a positive light on either party, no matter who was in the wrong for starting the argument to begin with.

And yet, it’s not always easy to keep ourselves from being thrust into this awkward situation if we don’t know how to avoid it. So how can we keep from being the couple that’s fighting in public?

Use the S.T.O.P. Method To Remind Yourself You’re in Public

Relationship expert Dr. Gary Brown suggests using what is known as the S.T.O.P. method (often called the See The Other People method) in order to de-escalate the argument. Here’s an easy way to think of what this method encourages:

• Stop 

• Take a deep, grounding breath

• Observe what you’re feeling and thinking

• Proceed in a direction that doesn’t include a public fight

Using this method helps us remind ourselves, as we get caught up in our emotions, that we’re in public, in the presence of others who will be affected by our public disagreement. It’s understandable to get swept up in whatever annoyance or spat comes up, but what’s far more important than “winning” our argument in the moment is maintaining some decorum and not letting everyone in on our relationship’s issues.

Draw a Boundary

Even with the S.T.O.P. method, we have to set clear boundaries with our boyfriend or husband in order to hold fast to our desire to keep our disagreement private. Let him know that while we care to discuss the issue at hand, now is not the time, and in public is not the place: “I want to talk about this with you, but I’m not going to do it in public.” Even if he continues to push the subject, maintain the boundary and keep making it clear that we won’t be having this conversation right now.

To avoid the fight in the moment, we have to arrange to resolve the argument in the near future.

If You’re around Friends, Don’t Get Them Involved

It’s tempting to paint our boyfriend as the villain and turn to our friends or family for support when they just so happen to witness our latest disagreement. While it certainly makes us feel more comfortable in the moment to have “allies,” this will only serve to alienate our boyfriend from our loved ones, make our friends or family feel incredibly awkward, and create an embarrassing situation that no one will be able to forget about.

Take Some Space

In order to calm things down, it might be necessary to take some time away from each other and time to breathe – even if that just looks like spending a few minutes in the restaurant’s bathroom to compose ourselves and splash some water on our face. Let him know it’s best to go our separate ways for a few moments, and even encourage him to take a breather of his own.

Decide on an Appropriate Time To Settle Things

While avoiding the disagreement out in public is always advised, we also can’t ignore it forever. Agree on an appropriate time to revisit the argument, like back at home or even just in the car. In order to avoid the fight in the moment, we have to acknowledge that the argument will in fact be resolved rather than ignored and swept under the rug, so propose a time or place for the discussion to be worked out before dropping it until we’re in private again.

Closing Thoughts

It’s all too common to find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of having to put out a relationship fire in public, but there are a few ways we can keep from ever being that couple again.

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