Should Spouses Have Access To Each Other’s Phone?

Our cell phones have become one of our most important, personal possessions. They hold thousands of pictures, text messages, and emails, house countless apps that are constantly sending us notifications, and even have our credit cards memorized. With all the personal information they hold, it can feel strange to ever let someone else even touch our phone, as if they’re holding a limb of ours.

And yet, when our husband is a little too protective of his phone, our spidey senses begin to tingle. We wonder if he’s just protective of his phone, or if he’s hiding something from us. We want to trust our husband enough that we don’t desire to snoop through his phone, but we wonder where the line is between respecting his privacy and being allowed total access to his phone, should we ever need it. After all, wouldn’t he be alright with us using his phone if he had nothing to hide?

So should spouses know the password to the other’s phone, or is that a breach of trust and privacy?

Generally Speaking, You Shouldn’t Be Forbidden from His Phone

As a general rule, phones shouldn’t be off-limits for spouses. When we get married, we’re expected to take on a “what’s mine is yours” approach, and there will be times when we’ll need access to our husband’s phone. In these scenarios, we should expect to be able to use his phone without him stalling, getting nervous, or looking over our shoulder the whole time.

If our husband won’t give up his passcode to do something as simple as play a song on a road trip or find a picture he took that we want, or he bristles at the thought of us having access to his texts, pictures, or DMs, something’s up. We aren’t overreacting to assume he’s doing something he doesn’t want us to know about, and it should be an immediate red flag if our husband won’t allow us access to his phone or give us his passcode.

It should be an immediate red flag if our husband won’t allow us access to his phone.

But Sometimes, Giving Us His Passcode Creates a False Sense of Security

We’ve all dated or come across the guy who boasts, “You can always have access to my phone. I don’t have anything to hide.” But simply having our husband’s passcode doesn’t instantly make him trustworthy. In fact, sometimes giving us access to his phone can create a false sense of security, manipulating us into thinking he’s being upfront with us.

It’s important to determine whether our spouse truly doesn’t care what we find on his phone (because none of it is nefarious), or if he’s giving us his password as a means to eliminate any (rightful) suspicion we have. 

Does he always ask why we want his phone or swipe around for a minute before handing it over, or does he give us his phone without batting an eye? Does he make a huge deal about what a wonderful, honorable man he is for letting us use his phone, or does he not seem overly concerned with convincing us he’s trustworthy?

However, Trust Is Important Too

Relationships, especially a marriage, can’t work without trust. We have to know we can count on our spouse to do right by us, to respect the vow they made to us, to be a stable person in our life. A marriage without a sense of trust is incredibly vulnerable and will most likely crumble.

Does our insecurity stem from our own wounds or our spouse’s behavior?

If we find ourselves with a desire to poke around our husband’s phone, we can take this as a sure sign that something needs to be explored. We need to decipher whether or not our insecurity stems from something we need to work through on our own (for example, if we’ve been cheated on before, we might be more sensitive and cautious), or if it’s due to our husband's behavior. 

Is he giving us valid reasons to want to look through his DMs, or are we projecting our personal insecurities onto our husband? Have we made an unhealthy habit of sifting through his emails, convincing ourselves we’ll find something eventually? Do we trust him to be faithful, or not? These aren’t always simple questions to answer, but we have to consider them.

Closing Thoughts

A healthy marriage needs enough trust that we don’t even desire to snoop through our husband’s phone, but that kind of trust comes out of knowing his phone isn’t off-limits to us in the first place. After all, one of the biggest red flags around is a guy who’s too possessive of his phone.

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