The Dating Scene Is So Bad Women Are Going Celibate—Let’s Talk About It

If there’s one thing the vast majority of young singles have in common, it’s this: They all want someone to love, someone to spend their days with, someone to laugh with, someone to dream with, someone to call theirs. It begins young for many – our early teens (or even preteens) are filled with silly, hormonal crushes that hint at deeper desires to come as we grow older and more mature. By the time college rolls around, the time for a more serious relationship comes, with many making their first foray into long-term commitment throughout their late teens and early twenties. Those who haven’t yet experienced a relationship by then often feel like they’re behind.

The drive to find that special someone is strong, nearly universal, and persistent. It’s a hunger that doesn’t subside – so much so that dating culture is constantly shifting, filled to the brim with romantics hoping to find their soulmate to spend the rest of their years with. A few relatively recent trends include hookup culture, in which two people have a no-strings-attached fling that can last as little as a night, and no-label relationships, where there is no official “girlfriend-boyfriend” title put on the relationship but instead a “let’s just see where things go” attitude that can go on for months.

But as is the case with many trends, these approaches to dating haven’t exactly created a generation of happier, more fulfilled people. Instead, the modern dating scene has left scores of singles feeling hopeless, angry, and disenchanted. It can feel to many that the chances of finding love today are slim to none. What does all of this mean for the future of dating? Well, for one thing, countless young, single women today are choosing to take an approach that’s on the opposite end of the spectrum: swearing off love, men, and romance altogether. In other words, many women today are going celibate.

Hookup Culture Didn’t Work for Women

Throughout the early 2000s and 2010s, hookup culture dominated the dating scene, with one survey finding that 86% of college students reported engaging in a hookup. One-night stands were depicted in beloved TV shows and lighthearted “tips and tricks” for having a successful hookup were splashed across nearly every mainstream magazine geared toward women. And while the understanding of such a connection is that it’s temporary, fleeting, and often even just a one-time sort of thing, many women made the mistake of waiting by the phone and hoping that a hookup might turn into something more substantial.

Still, even if things did fizzle out after just one night, they would find a brief comfort in having been wanted, even if just for a night. Eating a junky snack is better than eating nothing at all, they’d reason. But just like how surviving off Cheez-Its and gummy bears alone would have a negative impact on a body, it didn’t take all that long for the downsides of hookup culture to seep into the dating scene and poison their experiences.

In the vast majority of studies conducted on hookup culture, it has been reported that women are more prone to regret their hookups than men (though that doesn’t mean there aren’t any men who regret hookups). According to the American Psychological Association, 82% of participants in one study admitted to experiencing embarrassment, challenges in maintaining stable relationships, and loss of respect after taking part in a hookup.

And Neither Did Not Putting a Label on Things

The other trend that took over the dating scene over the last couple of decades – foregoing those pesky labels that were designed to signify commitment – didn’t work all that well for women, either. Yet again, women were left hoping that their “friends with benefits” situationship might morph into something real and true, that by showing up on his doorstep at his beck and call for another evening of Netflix and chill, they could convince a guy to change his mind and fall in love with them. It’s only a matter of time before he sees that I’m what he’s been looking for, they’d think. But the cases where this plan actually worked out in women’s favor were the exception, not the rule.

What doing away with labels did do, rather than lead young singles to find their soulmate, was create confusing love connections, where feelings were bound to take root and eventually get hurt when he wouldn’t introduce her to his friends, where he wouldn’t have a satisfying answer when she initiated the “What are we?” talk, where women were persuaded to ignore their biological hardwiring and deny the fact that, to their bodies, what they were doing was anything but casual.

So Now, Young Women Are Swearing Off Intimacy

A culture of hooking up, zero labels, one-night stands, situationships, and friends with benefits has created a new movement that rejected the direction in which modern dating has been ushering women for the last couple of decades, a movement that prompted women to give up intimacy cold turkey. These days, the number of women going celibate is growing – so much so that, earlier this year, Bumble, a dating app that fed into the hookup culture craze, called out women choosing celibacy with a few billboards reading: “You know full well that a vow of celibacy is not the answer” and “Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun.” Women were not pleased with the ad campaign, to say the least. 

For many women today, voluntary celibacy feels like the only answer left after having endless negative experiences with dating. One woman spoke with The Guardian about her experience on a dating app, where she hoped to find a lasting relationship: “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared.” She’s now been celibate for three years.

A TikTok search for #celibacy will bring up nearly 25k videos, many of which show women expressing their new direction in dating, explaining why they decided to go celibate and how it’s changed their life. The comment sections on these videos are typically flooded with responses from fellow celibate women who are years into their journey.

Is This a Good Thing or a Bad Thing?

So, what are we supposed to think about this new trend of women becoming celibate? Is it a good thing that will ultimately lead them to better, more fulfilling lives, or is it an overreaction, overcorrecting the damage that hookup culture unleashed on the dating scene?

We’d say it’s a positive thing for young women to recognize that casual, meaningless hookups are detrimental to their health and that they shouldn’t ever have become something that was expected. It's a positive thing for them to feel the freedom to opt out, especially when, just 10 years ago, being celibate would have been considered synonymous with being prudish, weird, and sheltered. There aren’t any downsides to this shift in the understanding of celibacy.

And interestingly, there are actual, proven psychological benefits to going celibate, such as lowered stress levels, since there aren’t any worries of an unplanned pregnancy or STIs; increased focus, because you’re able to offer more of your attention to schooling or a career; greater personal development, thanks to having far more time, energy, and headspace to dedicate to your own enrichment; mental clarity, since there are no confusing texts or mixed signals to waste your time decoding; a deep understanding of self-worth, being that you aren’t searching for and basing it on whether he called you back; and even the necessary space to heal from trauma, if there is sexual trauma and regret in your past. Not to mention, celibacy is a helpful way to weed out the guys who are truly interested in you from the guys who wouldn’t have even bothered saving your number.

The only word of caution we have? Make sure that, despite choosing celibacy, you still remain open to the possibility of romance, of finding The One. There’s no doubt that any woman choosing to abstain has her reasons for doing so, which often include negative, destructive experiences with intimacy. It’s wise to take it off the table, but try not to take everything else off the table too. Allow romance into your life even while being celibate, and maybe you’ll finally come across the guy you’ve been waiting for all along.

Closing Thoughts

It’s always a good thing when women make the choice that’s better for their mental, emotional, and physical health. A cultural shift that leads to the death of hookup culture and situationships and to women (and men) having far more fulfilling romantic lives? Sign us up.