The Difference Between Love Bombing And The Guy Who Knows What He Wants

Chances are, you know someone who has gone through the stressful and frankly agonizing experience of love bombing. What exactly is “love bombing?” Essentially, it’s an attempt to manipulate and control someone through excessive displays of attention and affection early on in a relationship. The Cleveland Clinic in their helpful article on the topic states that “this form of psychological and emotional abuse is often disguised as excessive flattery” and it’s often associated with manipulation and narcissism. What does this look like practically, though? Think lavish gifts at the onset of dating, ceaseless compliments, early declarations of love, and other seemingly over-the-top “romantic” gestures. 

Is He Love Bombing Me?  

I’ve always been a careful person. This is why one day, about 3 weeks into dating a confident, kind man, I was sitting in my car outside my favorite coffee shop Googling the signs of love-bombing. My new boyfriend (someone I had known for a while before we started dating) was so kind, complementary, thoughtful, and assertive. “Can this be real?” I thought, “Can he really like me this much and mean it?” I knew I was in my own head, but I felt I needed further confirmation. I had been in situations before where I had been put off by the flattery or over-eagerness I perceived in certain guys I had gone out with. This felt far different though, and while those other cases certainly weren’t the majority of my experiences, my overly cautious nature still led me to question if this was normal, or if I should be concerned by how certain and excited he seemed. I mentioned it to my best friend—she had experienced legitimate love bombing in the past, and I knew she would have a trustworthy perspective. She confirmed what I already knew deep down. She helped me see that I was simply dealing with a confident, assertive man who was pursuing me. 

Spoiler Alert: It turns out that he was completely genuine. In fact, I married him. Because of this, I’d like to make a case for assertive men and why we can’t simply assume that a man who knows what he wants can’t also have your best interest at heart. 

Have We Created an Impossible Standard? 

Most women would say that they want men who are intentional, driven, assertive, and direct. We understand that being with a passive man isn’t satisfying or healthy. But how do we reconcile this with our society’s near obsession with the dangers of love-bombing? Is every guy who stands up and tells you that he wants you and that he thinks you’re amazing actually just a fraud, a manipulator, or a narcissistic?

When my husband and I started dating, he was intentional, clear, and honest. His admiration for me was obvious, and he was very upfront with me that he thought I was beautiful and interesting. I was very attracted to his confident, charming personality and sense of humor. Even though his direct communication and admiration overwhelmed me at times, it was always genuine and sweet, and it never felt as though he was trying to get something out of me. 

My husband was in a period of his life where he realized he had let other people influence too many of his decisions, and he was determined to be his own man moving forward. I was fortunate to get to know him at a true crossroads in his life. As I look back, I am in awe of how earnest, passionate, and authentic his pursuit of me truly was. It would have been such a mistake on my part to assume that his genuine interest and attraction was simply a ploy to lure me in. He wanted a life with me in it, and he wasn’t going to beat around the bush or act nonchalant about it. I remember him spelling it out for me one evening. He shared his feelings, told me he did not expect me to reciprocate, and asked for the opportunity to pursue me. 

I sincerely believe that we have a tainted and cynical view of men if our first response is to assume that every sweet gesture, attempt at affection, or blush-worthy complement is the product of a narcissistic ploy to catch, dominate, and discard. It seems impossible that we can elevate the ideal of a confident, caring man, but then turn around and suspect that every man who exhibits strong doses of these traits must have ulterior motives.

While I would absolutely advocate for discretion, caution, and common sense when calibrating whether a man is sincere or trying to win you over for selfish reasons, I would also argue that there are various relational litmus tests you can use to help distinguish between love bombing and a stand-up guy. Here are some things to consider: 

Not All Situations Are the Same

Here’s the reality: while it would be odd and concerning if a guy you just met tells you he’s going to marry you, it shouldn’t raise immediate red flags if you start dating someone who you already know and he seems a little over-eager. Of course, if you are unsure of your feelings, you may have to tell him you’re not ready for things to get too serious, but if he’s known you for a while and had time to think about why he likes you, it shouldn’t be surprising that he is being intentional. I once had a guy take my hand and tell me he wanted to be serious with me on a first date. While it was very sweet and possibly genuine, it was someone I had met on a dating app, and all I had to go off of was an hour long phone conversation, and a date that lasted a portion of an afternoon. Though it was flattering, and he was very kind (and good-looking), I was left feeling that it was a fairly empty thing to say, given that he didn’t really know me. My husband was also very intentional early on, but we had been casual friends and he had been interested in me from afar for a few months before we ever dated. There was a period of a couple months where we would engage in small talk, be around each other in groups, and pass each other at work. So when the time came and he asked me out, he was very clear that while he wasn’t trying to lock me down, he certainly was not playing games. Even though I wasn’t as sure of my feelings early on in the relationship, it was actually his consistency of purpose and his steady affirmation that allowed me to react and respond.

He Supports the Other Relationships That Are Important to You

One of the most classic symptoms of love-bombing is an attempt to isolate you from your community. While it may seem like an obvious red flag if a guy gets mad at you for hanging out with your friends instead of him, this is an extremely common attribute of love bombing. The love bomber wants to make you dependent, and will use various tactics such as emotional manipulation, berating, and excessive neediness to create an unhealthy dependency over time. 

By contrast, a man who has your best interest at heart will cherish the time he has with you, but will also support the time you spend with others. In fact, he will encourage you to have time with your girlfriends because he will understand that healthy peer relationships are an irreplaceable aspect of your life. Additionally, he will care about getting to know your family and will respect you for investing in them. 

I am so grateful for the fact that my husband has always been very generous with his time and has made it abundantly evident that he valued my time in return. However, he also has been supportive of my community of friends, sought to become close with my friends’ boyfriends, and made it clear that he wanted me to have quality time with my girls. This was one of the clearest signs to me early on that our relationship was healthy. Even though he was assertive and unafraid to share his feelings for me, he also wasn’t jealous and possessive of me and my time. He clearly respected me and supported me, and that made all the difference. 

He Respects Your Decisions 

One of the key indicators of a relationship that is healthy and not simply the product of love bombing is that your man respects you. Ultimately, a guy needs to understand that you don’t owe him anything. My husband has always respected my right to a decision. Both the privilege and burden of womanhood is that we have a responsive role—ultimately, if a guy is into you, the ball is in your proverbial court. Even when we were very serious and engaged, he made it clear that I did not have to be with him. But the reality is, him being ok with himself and with my right to my own mind made me desire to be with him even more. 

Hollywood does us a disservice by romanticizing inappropriate and inordinate levels of affection and attachment in the beginning phases of a relationship. We’re led to believe it’s sweet if a guy refuses to leave a girl alone even after she has made it clear she is uninterested. And if he’s a good guy, the audience is generally rooting for him to change her mind. One way to tell if you’re being love bombed is to see how he respects your decisions. Does he pressure you to make choices you don’t want to? Does he constantly push your boundaries? If you’ve told him you’re not sure of your feelings, does he refuse to take no for an answer? 

Here’s the thing: it’s admirable for a guy to fight for your love. If you’re unsure, let him work to win your love. A man who is really into you will desire to pursue you and won’t be put off by your refusal to commit right away. There is nothing wrong with that. The issue comes if you are certain about things and he disrespects your boundaries and decisions. 

There are so many things to adore about assertive men. They tend to have an abundance of confidence, know how to lead well, and have a clear vision for life. I was drawn to my husband because he’s confident, kind, and witty. I grew to love him because his faith is the driving force behind everything he does, he is incredibly hard-working, and he has an unwavering devotion to me. I had craved that in a man, and unfortunately, I had allowed myself to be in a situationship previously with a guy who constantly kept the proverbial carrot in front of me, but never fully made a move. I was ready to make choices that demonstrated I knew my own worth and I realized several months into dating my husband that it was such a relief to not feel the need to constantly prove myself. 

While there are far too many incels with no game and love-bombers who are only being sweet to get what they want, there are still incredible men out there who are assertive, confident, and genuinely want to pursue a relationship with you. Don’t be afraid of the guy who knows what he wants—he might just turn out to be a keeper.