The Evolutionary Reason Why Rejection Stings So Badly And How To Overcome It

Out of all negative emotions, such as frustration, fear, or intense disappointment, not one seems to compare to rejection when it comes to the physical pain it causes. It elicits so much physical pain that even taking Tylenol can reduce the effects. Alongside this physical pain, the emotional effects are often so significant that it affects our thinking (even reducing our IQ temporarily), attacks our self-esteem, and fills us with anger. Although we aren’t in any real danger, our very being feels under threat.

Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?

Evolutionary psychologists believe the pain caused by rejection is due to our precivilized past. We humans aren’t suited to meet our survival and reproductive needs in isolation. Unlike animals, we don’t have any fangs, fur, or claws, and we also have long childhoods, where we’re incredibly vulnerable. Being part of a small group – and being accepted by that group – was essential to our ancestors’ survival and well-being.

If we were rejected, it would’ve meant no access to food, protection, and mating partners. In many ways, it would’ve been similar to a death sentence, which is why we developed an early warning mechanism that alerted us when we were under threat of being ostracized. This warning system triggered a sharp pain whenever we felt the slightest rejection. It alerted us to the necessity to change our behavior and remain part of the tribe.

Although being rejected in today’s society doesn’t have such drastic consequences, the biological response still remains.

Although being rejected in today’s society doesn’t have such drastic consequences, this biological response still remains and wreaks havoc on us emotionally and physically.

The Emotional Effects of Rejection

Rejection increases feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, depression, and jealousy. It diminishes our self-esteem and even affects our cognitive processes by reducing our performance on challenging intellectual tasks. 

Rejection Increases Aggression

Aggression is a very common reaction to rejection, causing the rejected person to lash out at others. Studies have even shown the rejected person to purposefully inflict pain on people as a result. Psychologists Dr. Nathan DeWall and Dr. Brad J. Bushman write: “In the laboratory, rejected people, compared to nonrejected people, blast strangers with intense and prolonged white noise, dole out large amounts of hot sauce to people who hate spicy food, and give destructive evaluations of potential job candidates[...] Outside of the laboratory, social rejection is implicated in acts of mass violence. For example, an analysis of 15 school shooters found that social rejection was present in all but two of the cases.”

Rejection Makes Us Unreasonable

Because rejection impacts our ability to think clearly, it also makes us unreasonable. For example, to study the effects of rejection and ostracism, researchers used a game called Cyberball. In this experiment, the subject played an online game of catch with two “strangers.” Initially, the ball was passed around to all three, until the two “strangers” began to only throw the ball to one another, excluding the subject. The study showed that the subject felt significant emotional pain despite not knowing who the other two people were.

No matter the circumstances, people are hurt by ostracism. 

When researchers told participants who had been excluded in Cyberball that their exclusion had been rigged, it did little to ease their pain. The researchers even went on to tell a different set of participants that the people who’d excluded them were members of the Ku Klux Klan. Yet still, even a rejection from people who are despised hurt just as much. 

Then, researchers tried to find out if replacing the cyberball with an animated cyberbomb would help ease the pain. This cyberbomb was programmed to explode at random, “killing” whoever held the ball at the time. Once again, participants felt just as much pain when they weren’t passed a cyberbomb as when they weren’t passed a cyberball. 

No matter the circumstances, people are hurt by ostracism. Most people recover almost immediately from these brief incidences of rejection. However, other rejections, such as not being invited to a party, or being turned down for a date, can lead to “psychological wounds” that are difficult to treat. 

How To Overcome Rejection

Dr. Guy Winch, psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid, believes rejection to be a “complex psychological injury,” and luckily for us, he has created three methods to treat this injury.

1. Don’t Tolerate Self-Criticism

Following a rejection, it’s tempting to list all our faults and chastise ourselves for everything we did wrong. Although it’s productive to consider what you should do differently in the future, it’s important not to punish yourself and be overly self-critical.

Dr. Winch recommends making a list of any negative, self-critical thoughts you have about the rejection. Next, create counterarguments for the negative thoughts and argue with yourself to create a fairer and more balanced view of the rejection. Going forward, whenever you have a self-critical thought, form the counterargument in your mind and argue with yourself effectively.

Create counterarguments for your negative thoughts and argue with yourself to create a more balanced view.

 2. Recover Your Self-Worth

After experiencing rejection, your self-esteem tends to take a hit, which is why it’s important to remind yourself of all the wonderful things you have to offer. One of the most effective ways to boost your feelings of self-worth is to “affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.”

To do so, Dr. Winch recommends listing five qualities you have that you know are meaningful or important that are relevant to the domain in which you were rejected – i.e. whether it was a job, friend, or relationship rejection. If it was a romantic rejection, think about things that make you a good relationship prospect, such as being loyal or supportive. Attributes of a good friend may be a good listener, and qualities of a good employee may mean you have a strong work ethic.

Next, choose the top two qualities and write a short essay covering why the quality is important to you, how this attribute influences your life, and why it’s an important part of your self-image. It’s essential you write this out rather than simply think about it to ensure the words sink in. 

3. Restore Feelings of Social Connection

Rejection undermines our need to belong. It can leave us feeling unwanted and unsettled, which is why we need to remind ourselves of how loved and appreciated we are. Dr. Winch’s final treatment for rejection is to boost our feelings of connection. For example, if you were rejected by a friend, call up another and make a plan to meet them instead as soon as possible.

Closing Thoughts

The great thing about particularly painful rejections is that, ultimately, it’s an opportunity. We’ve all heard the saying “when one door closes, another one opens,” but what does that actually mean? It definitely doesn’t mean waiting around for another opportunity to arise. Instead, it’s better to take action by channeling this pain productively and creating experiences that otherwise wouldn’t have occurred. 

Instead of wallowing or being over-critical of yourself, say “yes” more (or say “yes” to everything, if you’re really brave). Perhaps you’ll pick up a new skill and realize that job you wanted wasn’t the right direction at all. Maybe you’ll find yourself in a variety of new situations, like climbing a mountain at midnight for charity, running your first marathon, or wandering the streets of Rome, hand-in-hand with a charming local. 

The possibilities that this rejection could open up aren’t necessarily endless, but they’re probably a greater experience than whatever opportunity – whether that be a job or romantic interest – you were originally pursuing. Really, it’s incredibly exciting.

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