The One Who Was A Waste Of Time: A New Perspective

I recently came across an Instagram reel of a woman talking about how she hasn’t met Mr. Right yet, but she has met a slew of other misters, including “Mr. Waste Yo Time.” Wasted time in dating is a common concern among people who understandably want to find the right person as soon as possible. However, I think there are a few reasons the negative connotation of the term requires some reframing when we’re in the dating season of life.

Remember the Person

In economics and business, a common concept is opportunity cost. It’s the loss of one opportunity when the alternative has been chosen. We subconsciously apply this business concept to daily life, and it often rears its ugly head in dating. We can’t believe how much time we spent on this or that guy when we could have met Mr. Right! And we worry that we lost our chance because now we have less time to find him. Because of this, we often fall into resentment toward the guy who we feel has wasted our precious time. Hence, “Mr. Waste-of-Time.” 

However, we need to be careful not to get absorbed in this mindset that makes us think it’s okay to consider another human being as nothing more than a waste of time. We’re often no better than the person we’re resenting – even if they were, arguably, a terrible person – if we are fine with reducing them to that title in our perception of them and holding a grudge against them for the rest of our dating life, or longer.

The Golden Rule comes in handy here: If you took up a good chunk of a guy’s effort and dating life, would you want him walking away and calling you a waste of time? This thought doesn’t exactly leave us feeling the warm fuzzies, so, when faced with someone we wish we hadn’t dated, it’s best to cultivate a habit of letting go of the resentment and forgiving and moving on – sincerely wishing them the best when we think of them instead of ruminating on our regrets of having dated them.

When you're framing someone as a "waste of time" or going as far as telling them you wish you had never met them at all, it can be helpful to remember that they are a human too (despite their shortcomings) – they are someone's son, they may be someone's brother, and we all make mistakes.

It’s All Part of the Process

There’s a Gabby Barrett song that is a particular favorite of mine called “The Good Ones.” In the song, she says, “I’ve known a couple bad ones, but they all led me to him – he’s one of the good ones…” Another song from Jordan Davis, “Almost Maybes,” brings to mind all of the types of people and relationships that ended for various reasons, including “the weeds that looked like daisies,” but it all leads to the admission that, “I wouldn’t be sittin’ here next to you if it weren’t for the almost maybes.” JAX, who went viral for her song “Victoria’s Secret,” has a song "To All the Boy I’ve Loved Before," where she sings, “Shout out to all the boys I’ve loved before for teaching me I needed more. I’m kinda glad they broke my heart ‘cause now it’s yours.” 

The lyrics of these songs make an important point. Even if we feel the relationship wasted our time, the bad, really bad, and good-but-not-the-right-person relationships are all part of the dating process. That’s good news. The time we spent on them does not go wasted – every Mr. Wrong teaches us more about what to look for and what not to stand for when searching for Mr. Right, helping us narrow down our search for the right kind of man. 

In addition, these “waste of time” relationships may be coming our way because they prepare us for the right guy. The difficult and sometimes heart-breaking dating experiences force us to face some things about ourselves that we might otherwise be oblivious to or try to ignore. They teach us what kind of people we are, what we need to do now to actually be ready for a husband, and about our faults and our needs. This helps each of us become a better woman along the way, the kind of woman our future husband is searching for – which hopefully helps us attract fewer Mr. Wrongs.

Holding Ourselves Accountable

There’s a reel I remember seeing a while back where an old man in a grocery store uses it as an example for how some of us date, and he gives very good advice: “Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry. You always grab the wrong things.” 

The man’s got a point. When we’re longing for someone out of loneliness, we often put on blinders when we’re dating. We might ignore the red flags, let ourselves fall for a guy we know is no good for us – and would say a firm “no” to if we weren’t letting our desperation take charge. This is when holding ourselves accountable for the time wasted is in order. If we’re dating for the wrong reasons or dating guys we know are wrong for us, then we are wasting our own time – not him (though, this isn’t to suggest that he is perfect by any means). Because we are letting him in and spending time, money, effort, and emotions on him when we know it’s not going to last, these are the times we need to look in the mirror before casting blame.

Holding ourselves accountable for wasting our own time (and possibly his, too) doesn’t mean berating ourselves, though, because sometimes we’re our toughest critics. Upon realizing that we were the problem, we might come down harder on ourselves than we did on him. Like holding a grudge against him, this isn’t healthy for us either. The good thing about realizing our responsibility in this is that it’s also part of the process of forgiving ourselves, according to Kendra Cherry, MSEd. We need to be kind to ourselves even as we feel guilty. To do this, Cherry recommends making amends with yourself and others, learning from the experience, and striving to make better choices.

Closing Thoughts

Dating is hard – something that is becoming much more of a cold fact in modern dating. However, to make it a little bit more of a graceful experience, we should avoid thinking of our last boyfriend as a waste of time, perhaps even if we might feel he did waste our time. Every person we meet along the way has potential, whether that is to be that special someone for the rest of our lives or an example to teach us what we do not want in a guy. This is what dating is for – sorting out the must-haves from the superficial in the list of qualities we are looking for, learning the character of a good man, and rising to meet the character of a good woman in the process. Finding him at the end of it all is made all the more sweet by every very un-wasted moment and relationship.

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