The Most Dismissed Dating Book Of The '90s Might Be The Most Useful One Today
A few years ago, I was at a party in Brooklyn, listening to some acquaintances bemoan the struggles of dating. Over crudites and a cheese platter, they swapped horror stories of situationships, ghosting, breadcrumbing, and various other indignities inflicted on them by the male species. The speakers were attractive, smart women–the kind you might describe as a “catch.” So why had some gone years without a nice boyfriend?
One woman sighed and announced that she would no longer bother getting dressed up for dates. They should see the real her–sweats and rumpled ponytail–and that should be enough. I cringed. In my dating years, I had no shortage of boyfriends, or thoughtful dates. And it’s not because I’m some kind of perfect specimen. I’m not a supermodel. I barely know how to apply mascara. I talk non-stop and daydream the day away. I have the full range of flaws and annoying habits anyone might have. The secret to my dating success is something anyone could practice. It’s called The Rules.
The Wisdom Of The Rules
The Rules are laid out in a dating advice book of the same name originally published in 1995. The book, co-authored by Ellen Feinstein and Sherri Schneider, was later expanded to address FAQs the authors received and updated for the social media era with the 2013 version “Not Your Mother’s Rules.” The advice is built on the premise that although some social norms and the medium of how dates are arranged might shift over time, men haven’t fundamentally changed, and neither have women. In straight couples, broadly speaking, men and women approach relationships differently. It’s not because one or the other is bad, but bridging the divide takes a bit of practice.
The advice for women in The Rules essentially boils down to playing hard to get, or, even better, being hard to get. And it’s not about waiting some prescribed amount of time to have sex, though The Rules do advise not rushing into things. Being hard to get is about letting the man take the lead on pursuing the relationship, planning dates, asking to be exclusive, defining the relationship–all of it. Letting him take the lead doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter; if you’re not feeling it, let him know politely and move on. Letting him take the lead means he brings up these topics first. Letting him take the lead means you can observe how he acts, and consider if he might make a good match for you. Does he think about your preferences? Does he want to do nice things for you? Does he handle conflict respectfully? Do you feel happy in his company? When you follow the rules, you can relax. You don’t need to impress him with your cooking or buy his love with gifts. He either likes you or he doesn’t. Either you’re his dream girl, or you’re not–and if not, why would you want to date him anyway?
The original edition’s thirty five rules advise a range of choices like ending dates and phone calls first, never asking a man out, and never paying for (or splitting) the check. Ever since it was published, critics have mocked these rules as retro and inauthentic. Writing for The New York Times, Taffy Brodesser-Akner took a scathing hatchet to The Rules, saying that they can work only to attract a certain kind of man, one “who himself wants a goal object of a woman who is not intimidating and not embarrassing and is not too loud and not too needy and not too ugly and not too difficult and not too intimidating and who is not a better bowler than he.” I chuckle at the thought. The rules aren’t about changing your personality. It’s about focusing on the things that make you happy, and trusting that the right man will fit into your life. The advice not to open up too fast isn’t about hiding who you are; it’s about waiting to know who he is before you do.
Of course, women can ask men out and pay for dates. None of what I’m saying is a moral judgment. It’s not wrong to do so; I’ve just noticed that for most women, it doesn’t get the result they want. If a woman is looking for a casual fling, by all means she should make the first move. This advice is for women looking for a serious commitment and finding no luck. Consider that the problem isn’t you–it’s your strategy.
Why Pursuing Often Backfires
When my puppy was young, I would let her play in the yard off leash. To get her to come to me, I couldn’t chase her–she would sprint for the woods. To get her to come to me, I would have to run the opposite direction. Then she would follow, and I could reattach her lead. I’m not saying men are dogs. I’m saying when you chase things, they run away. Except for men. Men will have sex first, then run away.
From time to time, I hear a particularly horrific piece of advice circulating. Relationship experts and coaches will suggest that women begin dates by asking what their date is looking for: tell me now, before our appetizer arrives, if you’re ready for kids/marriage! I find this uniquely bad guidance. Imagine a man saying at the same moment, “before we waste any time, tell me if you would sleep with me.” The whole premise of dating is to get to know each other. You don’t need to ask what he’s looking for. If you observe his behavior, he will show you. And worse, if you ask so directly, he might tell you what you want to hear to close the evening’s deal, before you never hear from him again.
The Rules Aren’t The Answers
The rules can’t do everything. They aren’t a magical spell to conjure the right man. You still have to go out, download the apps, and put yourself out there. You have to show up for a date looking your best, even though you don’t know what the outcome will be. You still have to filter out the red-flag brigade. But for the most part, when you hold it loosely like The Rules advise, a date with a new person can be pleasant and enjoyable, even if they aren’t the Mr. Right you’re looking for. The whole process will be more fun: show up, look cute, listen and leave. It’s low stakes! Spend your energy on building the kind of life you would want to share with a partner, and trust that the right match will love you, as you are. All you have to do is take things a little slower. Take your time to make sure it’s right.
This month, I’m getting married to the man I love. He’s adventurous and sweet, everything I hoped to find in a partner. Now he sees me in my sweats and rumpled ponytail; he loves me even though I’m very loud and embarrassing (hello, I write personal essays online), though he has nothing to fear from my bowling skills. I feel so happy to have him in my life. Maybe we would’ve worked out even if I hadn’t taken things slow in the beginning, but it was fun to get dressed up for our dates, and get excited each time he reached out. Maybe we just got lucky to find each other, but at the very least, The Rules helped me know what guys to avoid.
I don’t advocate for the rules because I think it’s the way things should be. I’m sharing this advice because I think it could make life a little easier for countless singles and avoid at least some heartbreak. I think we have an obligation to respond to the world as it is, and from what I’ve observed in my life, men and women approach relationships differently. Dating is difficult, but it’s a lot easier when you follow the rules.