The Scientific Reason Men Cheat With Their Nanny

Infidelity is a gross betrayal of mutual love, trust, and respect, and though there might be specific reasons behind it, there’s no excuse. Some relationships breached by this kind of disloyalty manage to move forward and make it work, but some never recover. 

Those of us who have been cheated on (or have even been the other woman) may spend the aftermath of our relationship wondering how and why infidelity happens. As it turns out, there might be a scientific reason behind the betrayal, specifically when it comes to men who cheat with their nannies. Let’s take a closer look to learn why, and how we can avoid becoming the betrayed woman or even the other woman in this scenario.

Is Infidelity Biological?

There are countless reasons for infidelity, like poor communication, lack of intimacy, addiction, feeling unfulfilled or unappreciated, and so many more. Nevertheless, infidelity is still widely misunderstood in many circumstances, especially where wealthy or high-profile families are concerned. When you have everything you could ever need or want, how could you possibly cheat on your spouse with an employee? Yet it’s happened time and time again and will likely continue to happen.

There are numerous reasons men cheat on their wives or women cheat on their husbands. But is it possible – where nannies are concerned, at least – that there might be a biological reason? One study conducted in Europe within the last few years found that unfaithful men were more likely to have higher testosterone levels than men who didn’t cheat on their spouses. Similarly, unfaithful women had higher estrogen levels than women who were loyal. Hormone levels to some extent might account for some sort of biological inclination to stray, but in actuality, it goes way beyond that.

Consider nearly every representation of cheating (especially with the help) that we’re given in the media or popular culture today. Yes, there is an element of ego to it, especially when high-powered, authority figures are implicated, and yes, we do tend to needlessly sexualize relationships where power dynamics are involved. But according to psychologists, men cheating on their wives with the nanny is all about evolution.

They’re attracted to how the nanny cares for their children, and her looks and personality are just the icing on the cake.

Though fertility and childrearing aren’t traditionally a male-led space, most men still biologically have the urge to see their children taken care of and well-cared for. When this caregiver isn’t their mom, but the nanny, a man may turn his attention to her, especially if she’s essentially part of the family and constantly around them. Men are also drawn to fertility, and with the nanny being connected to a living embodiment of his own fertility and lineage, it tracks that he’d associate the nanny with fertility, and not his wife who may be elsewhere. 

It’s Not About Being Hotter Than the Wife

Any potential biological reason behind infidelity shouldn’t be used to excuse the act or severe lapse in judgment, but it is helpful for us to understand the pitfalls of this kind of relationship. It certainly doesn’t absolve any guilty party of their own errors when loyalty and marriage vows are at stake, but it does shatter a few myths we’ve been fed. 

The sole reason we’re usually given is that the nanny is just hotter than her employer’s wife, and that’s about it. Some physical attraction and the idea of a forbidden, secret romance may also be a part of it. But actually, the real problem isn’t how hot or young the nanny is – it’s that there’s a nanny in the first place.

New York divorce attorney Dennis Vetrano recently went viral on social media when he disclosed why he sees so many unhappy couples in his office and why so many marriages fail. According to him, the indication of a marriage that’s basically dead is the wife and mother having to do it all – childrearing, housework, and having a career and paying the bills on top of all of that – while the husband has little to no responsibilities. 

It follows that any woman who’s a mother but also a career-oriented, ambitious woman will need help caring for her children when she’s at work (especially if her husband isn’t willing or able to step in), and no matter what kind of salary she’s making or how fulfilled she is by doing it all, she might have unintentionally undermined her marriage by hiring a nanny. President of the Adizes Institute, Dr. Ichak Kalderon Adizes theorizes this is why men “fall in love with the person who takes care of their children.” “Men probably still have the need to see their bloodline being taken care of, and who does that but the nanny?” 

What’s really interesting is that while being young, beautiful, and accessible could be the how behind the cheating, it’s not really the why. One survey of thousands of married men found that 80% were attracted to their nannies, but not because she was attractive or fun and exciting. They’re attracted to how she cares for their children, and her looks and personality are just the icing on the cake. Their wives, no matter how successful they are or how much money they make, may be bringing home the bacon, but the men are more drawn to the person who’s consistently in their home acting as a caregiver to their children.

Homewrecking in the Postmodern Age

Once – back in more outdated, conventional times – having an affair was a reprehensible act. Nowadays, if it’s in the name of self-care, speaking your truth, rejecting toxicity, or other similarly-minded nonsense, it’s completely acceptable and even something to be celebrated. The mainstream viewpoint in our progressive era is that while cheating may have some unfortunate collateral damage, in the end being unfaithful to your spouse or the parent of your children is understood as beneficial, if it’s the means to the end of “finding yourself.”

It should never need to be said, but cheating is never acceptable, nor is it a way to find lasting, meaningful fulfillment. Any excuse or logic we present to ourselves when confronting this kind of egregious error will only delude us. Infidelity destroys the trust between relationships and the ties between families. It unravels the bonds between spouses and the bonds between children and their parents, and causes irreparable damage we’ll have to live with for the rest of our lives.

Though we might be told otherwise, being a homewrecker (also known as destroying a family) isn’t sexy or thrilling. It’s a surefire way to communicate to everyone around you that you have little to no thought for the consequences your actions have on others, or that you’re detrimentally committed to having poor impulse control – or both. In any scenario where you’re in a position of subordination and a married man, especially a boss or supervisor, has authority over you, this is something to be keenly aware of.

You might be fantasizing about hidden trysts or weekend getaways with your married boyfriend but this can only end in extreme, immense pain, and if it isn’t yours for lack of conscience, it’ll be someone else’s. Being the nanny or babysitter might naturally introduce these kinds of visions to you, especially if the family you work for is well-known in the public eye or well-off. But it can’t end well. Regardless of what people trying to salvage their own inner peace tell themselves, infidelity is never justifiable, and being the other woman isn’t something to strive for – no matter how successful or famous the man is. 

Closing Thoughts

Cheating with the nanny may be a cliché, but it happens, and for a reason we don’t discuss often or understand well enough. It’s disheartening to realize that a mom working outside the home for her family and having to hire help with childcare may be the very thing that seals the fate of her relationship – but from the other perspective, it’s also essential to affirm that things like boundaries and professionalism are absolutely crucial to this kind of job, no matter the cultural stance on hot button issues like infidelity.

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