The Shocking Effects Of Different Birth Control Methods On Divorce Rates

It used to be understood that being in a committed and sexually active relationship (read: marriage) came with children. Until birth control changed that and consequently changed relationships themselves. It’s important to keep in mind that widespread birth control use is in many ways an experiment, something that as a society we have simply not done before, and we are only now witnessing its impact. And like all experiments, we now have the data to show all the ways birth control has impacted relationships and, more specifically, its role in divorce rates. 

Birth control was introduced with much hesitation in the 1960s. Critics at the time argued and predicted that birth control would affect marital unions due to the separation between fertility and sexuality. If the bonding that takes place during sex is not linked to the commitment and responsibility that comes with children, then the whole role of sex in a relationship is a different one. Much about these predictions has been proven true – there is no denying that birth control has changed marriages. Here's how.

The Pill

According to this study, the pill is the most common method of birth control, and I would add that it has also been the most controversial all along. Initially, the controversies were mainly about the breakdown of the union between fertility and sex, but currently, the controversies swirl around the role of the pill in hormonal imbalances, and consequently, women’s mental and physical health. To understand this better, it’s important to take a closer look at how the pill works. The pill avoids pregnancy by shifting hormones in order to suppress ovulation. This may sound simple to many, but it comes with many physical and emotional side effects. For starters, a woman's sexual drive and attraction for a particular kind of man are linked to our hormonal cycles, so shifting hormones also shift our sexual drive and the whole mechanics of attraction. Many have reported that they feel like an entirely different person while on the pill, and this explains it. 

Choosing a Man on and off the Pill 

Estrogen is one of the protagonists of our personal rom-coms. It’s the rise of estrogen that prompts a woman’s sex drive, and it’s estrogen that determines to whom we are attracted. The data shows that estrogen is what will make a man’s masculine features attractive to a woman. From a biological and evolutionary point of view this has been crucial, since a manlier man was understood to have healthier sperm and consequently more successful pregnancies. The pill alters this due to the fact that it lowers the levels of estrogen and consequently would make less masculine men more attractive to a woman on the pill. This is not a discussion about masculine men vs. non-masculine men, but about how the pill may make you choose someone who, without the pill, you would not otherwise be attracted to.

The pill can easily rob us of the special moment of meeting our soulmate and falling in love.

At the core, I think the real problem is the fact that the pill can easily rob us of the special moment of meeting our soulmate and falling in love. If you were on the pill and later in the relationship you come off it, the romantic bubble can burst as you are suddenly not so attracted to your chosen partner anymore. As the evidence keeps pointing out the critical and unintended effects hormonal birth control has on women’s relationships, it is also evident that our bodies have evolved to intentionally choose a particular kind of man, and hormonal birth control interrupts this natural process. In this study, 2,519 women were separated into two groups. One of the groups had chosen a partner while on the pill, and the other group hadn’t. The conclusion of the study reads: “Women who used OC (oral contraceptive) when they met their partner tended to find him less attractive, engaged in compliant sex and rejected sexual advances more frequently as the relationship progressed, and were more likely to initiate separation if it occurred.” This suggests that while the pill may offer sex without fertility, it can also complicate the very essence of attraction and connection that forms the foundation of lasting love.

Britain’s largest family law firm compiled the data on the role of birth control in divorces. They shared with The Independent that: “Almost a quarter of women who have taken hormonal contraception say it caused, or played a role in, the end of their relationship. … 85 percent (of people filing for divorce) said their marriage or relationship had been impacted by the contraception’s side effects.” Here is a summary of the data:

• 63% were forced to come off various kinds of contraception due to the side effects affecting their relationships. 

• 9 out of 10 women stated the side effects affected their mental and/or physical health. 

• 7 out of 10 women had mood swings.

• Almost half of the women had depression.

• 3 out of 10 women dealt with anxiety. 

Sarah Barr-Young, a managing partner at the British law firm, asserted that it is not that birth control is the precise reason for divorce; instead, contraception hinders the couple’s ability to face the inevitable challenges that come with long-term love. The consistent side effect of less-than-ideal mental health (moodiness, anxiety, depression, etc.) is more than enough to exacerbate problems that otherwise would have been manageable. 

There is no doubt that choosing the right spouse is one of the most important decisions we’ll make in our lives, so in response to the evidence on how birth control has a negative impact on this important choice, the journal Scientific American recommends women get off hormonal birth control at least six months before their wedding. The hope is that by taking this six month break, the woman will be able to make a decision that is more honest to herself, and the man will be able to see his soon-to-be wife without the moodiness and mental health challenges that often come with the pill. 

Abortion and Sterilization Methods 

Many choose to stay loyal to birth control despite its negative impact due to its promise of sex without children, but it’s important to keep in mind that, according to the data, about half of abortions were from people who were actively using birth control. It’s been found that abortions and sterilization methods increase the likelihood of divorce up to two times. It may be surprising that in comparison to birth control, sterilization has such a big spike, but the reason is that sterilization has a very complicated underlying message. In this study, the researchers explain the doubling in the chances of divorce saying, “Sterilization indicates not being open to future children, not being able to live with fertility, and certainly a lack of trust or support from a spouse.” While intentionally choosing to stay with your spouse, sterilization still dents the levels of trust and commitment, which are the basis for long-lasting love. 

Good marriages and good sex are based on our willingness to give of ourselves to the other person.

Condoms

And lastly, we’ve got condoms. Popular for the fact that they don’t interfere with hormones, condoms can still have a negative impact on marriages. One study found that “the divorce rate for couples who had ever used condoms was 67% above the average.”

Why is this? Because good marriages and good sex are based on our willingness to give of ourselves to the other person, and condoms are a barrier to this. In one of the reports I researched, the author writes about his own journey transitioning out of birth control with his wife, and he concludes with this statement regarding condoms: “There’s also no denying that eliminating condoms brought us closer together. It’s difficult to describe what changed. The best I can come up with is that our love became much more effervescent. We’ve now been married 30 years, and that feeling continues to grow.” 

Picture this: You brewed your favorite coffee. You had many coffees to choose from, but you picked this one to be your coffee and what you’ll be drinking until death do you and your coffee part. You’ve been smelling it as you prepare it, and your mouth is watering, and right when you are about to take a sip, you cover it in a plastic bag and bring it to touch your lips. It still looks like coffee, smells like coffee, you still love this coffee, but what you are experiencing at that sip is quite different from what drinking coffee is. This would also leave you desiring and craving an actual sip of your coffee, so what happens when that sip never happens? That is the dent that condoms make in a relationship, and with time, it takes its toll. 

A Better Alternative

At a deeper level, it’s worth thinking about how choosing to take on all the side effects and risks of hormonal birth control and even sterilization for the sake of avoiding the sacrifice and commitment that comes with a child sends a strong message regarding the strength of a relationship. I won’t deny there are times and circumstances where it is better for a couple to prevent a pregnancy. But there is a science-backed way to do that without hormonal interference, barriers to total self-gift, or putting the burden entirely on one spouse – fertility awareness methods (FAM). FAM works as an equalizer as it puts an equal burden on husband and wife, and it takes the plastic, hormones, and all other elements out of the way between the love of spouses. FAM also communicates that both spouses can accept and respect their gift of fertility as much as their gift of sexuality.

I won’t deny there are couples who have managed to have long, happy marriages while navigating different birth control methods, but keep in mind that the odds have been against them in comparison to the couples who have not. This leads to a tough question every couple faces: Is using birth control worth the strain on our relationship?  

Bringing together sex and fertility is important for a marriage to be loving, fulfilling, and ultimately successful. This doesn’t mean that every sexual encounter results in a pregnancy, but it does mean that the couple is constantly checking with each other regarding this possibility, instead of only having this conversation when it’s time to get more pills, when someone cannot take the side effects anymore, or when considering what to do with an unplanned pregnancy. 

A recent study found that around 85% of couples found FAM helpful, not only as a scientific method to plan their children, but as an exercise of love in their marriage, which consequently led to a stronger relationship. An interesting point in studies around FAM is that multiple churches are strong proponents of it, and many even offer classes on it. This brings up a big question researchers can’t seem to get around: Are couples doing FAM reporting less divorce because they attend church and a shared spiritual life and joint values strengthen their marriage, or is it really all FAM? I personally think the answer is somewhere in the middle. Yes, a shared faith and the practice of it can strengthen the marriage, but similarly, FAM alone also challenges a couple to reconsider and recommit to their values, and in doing so it strengthens their marriage.