The Uncomfortable Truth About Female Loneliness

In these moments, I often think about my grandma, a formidable woman who struggled with early widowhood and raised two kids on her own while working full-time. A woman with a vibrant social life and hundreds of friends. I remember being a kid and finding it fascinating how often people would stop and talk to her whenever we went out together. Now she’s in her 80s, and it seems like all her friends have either passed away or are simply too old to visit her. The only people who check up on her now are her kids and grandkids. Having kids with the expectation that they will take care of you one day is selfish and optimistic, but it hurts to think that there might be a time when nobody will call you on the phone because everyone you know is dead.

The Loneliness Epidemic

Modern discourse seems to frame the loneliness epidemic as primarily male. Spending time on female dominated online spaces like r/TwoXChromosomes or the feminist corners of X and TikTok, the messaging you receive is that male social isolation is really a consequence of men’s actions and bad behavior. Women, on the other hand, lean into their solid female friendships and support networks and don’t experience similar problems.

Some in the manosphere will dismiss the idea of female loneliness. “Women can use dating apps and find a hookup within five minutes,” they will tell you. These men seem to have the idea that women are enjoying unlimited male attention that boosts their ego. However, almost none of the women I know enjoy the sexual attention from random men, especially when it’s often disrespectful and superficial. Dating apps don’t always work, as having 50 matches and 200 messages, most of which are objectifying and sexual, is unlikely to lead to the formation of any genuine connection. The paradox of choice is also real: having unlimited options can make you second guess your choices and make it harder to find a mate. It’s no surprise that women are overwhelmingly rejecting these apps as of late and prefer more traditional ways to meet people. Many of the men are only interested in hookups, and studies show that women are more likely to regret casual sexual encounters. 

Mainstream publications will push article after article discussing the male loneliness epidemic, with little regard as to whether a similar phenomenon affects women. Of course, male loneliness deserves all the attention it can get. According to studies, men report more loneliness than women. Young men are also more likely to say they have no friends. Loneliness is deadly and linked to multiple physical and mental ailments like dementia, depression, and heart disease.

However, just because men are affected more, it doesn’t mean that the female loneliness epidemic doesn’t exist. According to research, while men experience more loneliness during midlife, female loneliness tends to increase at old age. Also, men are more likely to report having no friends, but the number of friendless women has also increased from 2% in 1990 to 10% in 2020. It’s estimated that 45% of working-age women (ages 25-45) will be single by 2030. In addition, even though gender gaps exist in some countries, on a global scale, men and women report similar levels of loneliness.  Loneliness was associated with self-harm in both men and women, although men are more likely to commit suicide when living alone. But women felt more shame about being lonely, which could indicate that women might feel pressured to mask their true feelings and underreport their loneliness to avoid the stigma.

Are Single, Childless Women Actually the Happiest Group?

The idea that a lot of single women might experience loneliness and depression has become an almost taboo topic in the age when we’re told that women would rather meet an actual bear than a random man. If you pay any attention to the social media gender discourse, you might have noticed the common saying that single, childless women are the happiest subgroup. But is it true? 

It seems the most commonly cited source to support this view is a book by Paul Dolan named Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myth of the Perfect Life. “If you’re a man, you should get married,” he says, “if you’re a woman, don’t bother.” Some people latch onto findings like this to prove that family creation is unnecessary, outdated, and even harmful. However, this book has been criticized for misinterpreting studies. Apparently, Dolan based his opinion on a telephone poll where women reported lower happiness when their spouse was out of the room, supposedly producing a more honest answer. However, the actual study wasn’t talking about women changing their answer when their husbands left to visit the grocery store. Instead, the answer “spouse absent” referred to cases where the couple was still married but separated and no longer living together. 

Other studies show that marriage positively affects the well-being of both men and women, including a Gallup poll published in 2024. It’s not clear whether it’s marriage itself that creates positive life outcomes or whether married people tend to have certain characteristics that make them succeed in life. However, it’s certainly noteworthy that married people who did not attend high school are happier than unmarried adults with a graduate degree. An Office Pulse Survey created the profiles of the happiest and least happy workers. The happiest was a 39-year-old married man with a child who worked in a senior managerial position; the least happy was a 42-year-old unmarried woman with no children, who worked in a professional position, with a household income under $100,000.

Children, Money, and Old Age

Although people without kids report higher happiness rates, research shows that in the older age cohorts, this trend is reversed and that old people with kids report higher life satisfaction. According to one study, only 10% of childless women said it was by choice. This means that 90% were childless because of medical reasons or other life circumstances. 

So where does this idea that kids are a burden and it’s better to be child-free come from? This concept, as well as promoting the single lifestyle, is a luxury belief. Luxury beliefs are ideas that confer status on members of the upper class but are often harmful to members of the lower classes. Wealthier women can embrace perpetual singlehood in their 20s and 30s, travel, build their careers, and then use IVF or surrogacy to have a kid in their 40s and 50s. Paris Hilton and Cameron Diaz are two famous women who had kids later in life via surrogacy. However, women of the lower classes can’t afford the same luxury. Postponing motherhood until your 40s often means you will be unable to have biological kids. Being childless while poor is also vastly different to being childless while rich, since working-class people are more likely to rely on family to take care of them in their senior years.

As birth rates drop and families continue to shrink, loneliness among the elderly is expected to reach unprecedented levels in the following decades. A substantial number will likely be left without the emotional and practical support that a family can provide, something that creates some grim predictions about their quality of life and mental well-being. 

Not all people pursue marriage and kids solely based on tradition or the patriarchy. Many do it because humans are social creatures and need companionship, love, intimacy and a sense of belonging to be fulfilled. Friendships, hobbies, having a career – all of these are important, but they don’t create the sense of security and emotional closeness that a close-knit family can bring. 

Closing Thoughts

Societal narratives often downplay the loneliness experienced by women, but the reality is far more nuanced. No matter how strong female friendships and support networks can be, many women grapple with feelings of isolation, especially as they age. It’s crucial to recognize that loneliness is a modern epidemic that affects everyone. Society must move beyond simplistic “Us vs. Them" narratives when it comes to gender dynamics and work on fostering meaningful connections to combat loneliness in all stages of life.

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