Hot Take: Your Friend Group Needs A 60-Year-Old And A 20-Year-Old

I recently turned thirty. And while I have friends in their thirties, I also have friends in their twenties, forties, fifties, and even sixties. To someone in a school or work environment surrounded by peers the same age, severe age-gaps in friendship might sound bizarre. In fact, only 37% of adults have close friendships with gaps in age beyond fifteen years. So why did I turn away from the norm and seek connection with women of diverse ages? (And why might you want to do the same?)

I grew up in North Carolina and lived there until I moved to Georgia in my late twenties. Since I didn’t have any family or friends in the area, it was crucial that I tapped into the local community and acquainted myself with the women there (to avoid the isolation scaries, of course.) I set out to meet women through volunteer work, women’s ministries, and general fellowship inside and outside of my church, offering my own skill-set and reaching out for advice and insight from the women I encountered. Through this process of getting to know the ladies in my new town, I discovered something I hadn’t realized before about my history with female friendship – that I hadn’t ever had the opportunity to connect with women more than a few years younger or older than myself before. I realized that my sphere of relationships doesn’t need to be limited by age, and I saw how my social life, personal development, and overall morale were enhanced by adopting ladies in various stages and seasons of life into my circle.

Some Things Transcend Age

I crossed paths with my friend Annie (45) at a conservative women’s club meeting and, despite our fifteen-year age gap, we connected immediately and bonded over the values we have in common. Social clubs are a great way to connect with women of all ages who share your passion and interest for something (and they provide a subject matter for conversation if you’re someone who struggles to drum up conversation with new people.) Another aspect of my friendship with Annie is that, though we have plenty in common, there’s plenty that we don’t have in common, creating space for learning and growing. Many times Annie and I have cackled at how different her experience dating (pre-dating apps) was from mine. It’s been so fun comparing and contrasting the stories of our dating lives and relating to one another on a topic that in many ways transcends age (terrible first dates are not a new invention, it turns out.) 

Intergenerational Friendship: Weird or Endearing?

My friend Kim (65) and I met at church and quickly became good friends. While our thirty-five-year age difference may seem strange, we connected over our shared interest in sewing; her being far more skilled and experienced in it than myself, providing me the opportunity for one-on-one tutoring. I’ve loved sitting with her and hearing all the stories about her many years as a wife (married twice, she’s got some stories.) It’s as if time doesn’t pass when I’m with Kim, as she usually has nowhere to be (a refreshing change from the women my age running here and there with hardly a breath in between.) I’ve found that pursuing intergenerational friendship offers insight into the lives of the women of yesterday. When someone in her sixties shares about her life experiences and opens up about what shaped her, it’s like getting a glimpse into the past directly from the source. It always fascinates me to hear these stories and reminisce alongside a friend from another era. (Not to mention women at that age typically lack the unsure inhibition of their youth, often leading to hilarious moments of brutal honesty which no one is safe from.)

Stewarding The Sisterhood One Nugget at A Time

I met my friend Sasha (24) in a professional capacity but grew close when we discovered our mutual love for homemade bread. Though we share common interests, and though our age gap is not so severe, we’re in different stages of life. Having already experienced my twenties, I have a bit of perspective to offer her as she navigates this chapter of her life. I find myself naturally stepping into the role of older sister whenever I see Sasha struggling with things that sound familiar to my own struggles at that age. Not that I’m a guru on navigating your twenties unscathed; rather I come with a well of mistakes to draw from and produce nuggets of insight to sprinkle into conversation. I wouldn’t necessarily act as a mentor with an age-gap of only five or six years, but I do look for opportunities to sow seeds of encouragement here and there. I find that pouring into other women in this way not only feeds my soul and softens my heart, it also builds a bond that goes beyond surface level friendship. It can make a world of difference to help a younger friend know what to expect out of the coming decade, especially as she’s structuring her life in her twenties (which were a confusing, floundering time for some of us who could have benefited from an older friend stepping in.)

Age-Gap Friendship: A River of Wisdom that Doesn’t Always Flow Downstream

My friend Lara (20) and I connected in a book club meeting and bonded over us both being new wives. And while I certainly feel obliged to mentor her in certain areas considering the decade between us, her profound sense of faith stunned me from the start. I was humbled to see a woman in her early twenties so rooted in faith and direction (knowing that at her age I was totally aimless and the complete opposite of rooted.) My friendship dynamic with Lara is a testament to the fact that teaching can go both ways in age-gap relationships; it doesn’t just flow downstream from older to younger. What a blessing it’s been to embrace a friend with such discernment and not a jaded bone in her body. (Not to mention that the whimsical, Disney princess energy of a girl fresh into her twenties is life-giving.)

Friendship is versatile and exists in many forms. Friends are not merely people we pass the time with; they’re adopted sisters we handpick for the purpose of fruitful connection. One of my favorite things my older friends impart to me is a sense of slowing down and living in the moment, and one of my favorite things to impart to my younger friends is the beauty and importance of aging gracefully. When I examine my age-gap friendships, I see that my older friends pull me toward maturity and grace and that my younger friends pull me toward lightheartedness and excitement for life. Being pulled in these different directions has made me a more well-rounded woman, and I’m eternally grateful for the personal development I’ve undergone from the elements of youth and maturity in friendship. Ultimately, while age is certainly more than just a number, I find that when I’m with my older or younger friends I often forget about the gap in age entirely. We’re all women, after all, and have plenty in common for that reason alone.