Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina" Shows Us Exactly Why Cheating Has Always Been A Bad Idea

Tolstoy was one of those rare writers who could look into the human heart and see all its complexities—the love, the fear, the joy, and the pain. Born in 1828 into Russian aristocracy, Tolstoy’s privileged life didn’t shield him from grappling with questions of morality, faith, and the meaning of life. His works, especially Anna Karenina, show just how deeply he understood the occasional tension between individual desires and social obligations.

Anna Karenina isn’t just a story of passion. It’s a story about what happens when passion takes the wheel and commitment is thrown out the window. If you’ve never read the novel, consider this your fair warning—there are spoilers ahead.

Anna Karenina: A Woman Who Feels Trapped

Anna Karenina is a wealthy aristocrat, living a life that seems enviable from the outside. But her marriage to Karenin is suffocating. Sure, he’s respectable and dutiful, but he’s emotionally distant and far more interested in his career than in Anna’s emotional needs. Enter Vronsky, the young, dashing cavalry officer who meets Anna at a train station and turns her world upside down.

Their love affair is thrilling at first, reigniting feelings of excitement and passion in Anna that she hadn’t felt in years. But as thrilling as it is, their affair sets off a chain of events that lead Anna down a path of isolation and despair.

When Passion Becomes a Prison

At first, Anna’s affair with Vronsky feels like the liberation she’s been yearning for, especially when she becomes pregnant with his child. But the scandal of her infidelity rocks her world. Even though her husband forgives her, Anna refuses to break things off with Vronsky. Instead, she leaves her family and elopes with him, hoping to start fresh.

But instead of happiness, Anna finds herself trapped in a social and emotional prison. She’s cut off from society, shunned by friends and family, and becomes entirely dependent on Vronsky for her sense of self-worth. As he begins to grow distant, the thrill of their romance fades. She becomes consumed with jealousy and paranoia, convinced that he’s about to leave her.

In her despair, Anna turns to drugs to numb her pain, but nothing can quell the insecurity and fear that gnaw at her. The passionate love that once gave her life meaning now feels like a burden. When she believes Vronsky is truly going to abandon her, she throws herself under a train—the very place where she first met him.

"I'm Just Not Happy"

Anna’s tragic story is all too familiar for many couples today. When one partner declares, “I’m not happy,” it often marks the beginning of the end. It’s easy to see Anna as selfish, but she’s not an anomaly—many people prioritize their personal desires over the health of their relationship. But here’s the hard truth: long-term relationships will hit rough patches. The early euphoria of new love eventually fades, and both partners face a choice—either seek fulfillment outside the relationship or dig in and work to deepen the connection.

Statistics show that the decision to prioritize personal happiness over commitment often leads to failure. Roughly 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, and the odds only get worse with second and third marriages, with 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages failing. The same issues tend to follow us from relationship to relationship unless we’re willing to address the underlying problems.

Beyond the Honeymoon: Where Real Love Begins

Every relationship goes through moments of dissatisfaction, and this is where the real work begins. The honeymoon phase won’t last forever, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. In fact, this is where genuine love grows. When you move beyond infatuation and invest in building something deeper, you create a bond that can withstand the ups and downs of life. As Tolstoy suggests in Anna Karenina, true love comes from a sense of duty—a commitment to caring for each other rather than emotional highs and lows.

Relationships that last are grounded in more than just passion; they are built on shared goals, mutual understanding, and the determination to navigate life’s challenges together. When one partner starts to prioritize their own happiness over the relationship, that’s when cracks begin to form, and often, they are irreparable.

It’s Not Just About Cheating

Tolstoy’s message in Anna Karenina goes beyond simply condemning adultery. It’s about recognizing that marriage and family come with responsibilities, and when we abandon those responsibilities in pursuit of personal happiness, disaster follows. Anna’s affair isn’t just a betrayal of her husband—it’s a rejection of the promises she made as a wife and mother. Her selfish pursuit of passion leaves destruction in its wake, from her humiliated husband to her heartbroken son, who grows up without the mother he loved.

Tolstoy doesn’t just criticize the act of infidelity—he criticizes the mindset behind it. When we focus on our own desires at the expense of our relationships, we set ourselves up for failure. Anna’s story is a powerful reminder that chasing personal happiness without regard for others is a surefire way to end up alone and broken.

In recent years, many books, articles, and social media influencers have encouraged women to prioritize “living their truth”—even if that means breaking promises and deeply hurting other people in the process.

A Lie Marketed to Women

This message has seeped into the fabric of women’s magazines and lifestyle media, where we’re often told to pursue personal happiness and self-care above all else. Publications like Cosmopolitan regularly feature articles that champion the idea of "not settling," whether that applies to relationships, careers, or even lifestyles. The underlying message is clear: prioritize personal satisfaction, and leave behind any relationship, a job, or even the life you've built if it no longer “serves you.”

Yet, this approach often skips over a fundamental truth: relationships are rarely a constant stream of happiness, and all of them require serving one another. Research shows that relationship satisfaction naturally ebbs and flows, and it’s common to experience moments of dissatisfaction before reaching new levels of stability and intimacy. By promoting the idea of moving on at the first hint of discontent, these narratives can create unrealistic expectations about love and commitment, suggesting that every hardship is a red flag rather than a normal part of growth.

While self-care and self-discovery are essential, there’s value in the resilience that comes from working through challenges with the people we love, rather than abandoning them.

The Path to Fulfillment: Committed Love

In contrast to Anna’s tragic path, Tolstoy presents an alternative in the character of Levin. Levin’s journey is one of commitment and growth. His marriage to Kitty isn’t perfect, but it’s grounded in mutual respect, duty, and a shared sense of purpose. Levin shows us that lasting happiness doesn’t come from chasing passion but from the steady fulfillment of our responsibilities.

Ultimately, Tolstoy’s solution to unhappiness in marriage is simple yet profound: keep your promise. Even when personal satisfaction feels distant, the commitment to love, serve, and honor your partner is what ultimately leads to a meaningful and fulfilling life.

The Lasting Lesson of Anna Karenina

Tolstoy’s iconic opening line, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” encapsulates his philosophy on love and marriage. Happiness in relationships is not a mystery—it’s built on the universal principle of fulfilling one’s promises rather than breaking them.

When we honor our commitments, even when it’s difficult, we create the foundation for lasting love and stability. In the end, it’s not fleeting passion or personal happiness that defines a successful relationship—it’s the steadfast commitment to doing what’s right, even when it’s hard.