Want To Know Why You’re Addicted To Chaotic Relationships? Here’s The Real Reason

Similarly, pain and pleasure have always been closely intertwined. That’s because when we experience pain, it causes the central nervous system to release endorphins which induce feelings of euphoria. With the link between pain and pleasure being so deeply rooted in our biology, it’s no wonder so many women find themselves drawn to toxic relationships and men they know will hurt them. 

As everyone is different, there are a variety of reasons why this could happen. Luckily, it doesn’t always have to be that way, but the first step in overcoming this habit is understanding why you’re doing it.

Maybe You’re an Abandoholic

Psychotherapist Susan Anderson believes a common reason for addiction to toxic relationships is “abandoholism.” This means you’re “addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak” and “pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going and to keep your body’s love chemicals and stress hormones flowing.”

According to Anderson, abandoholism is a habit that is learned over many years. When someone has been hurt multiple times, they begin to confuse this feeling of insecurity with love. This means you don’t feel in love unless you’re pursuing a romantic interest you’re insecure about.

It’s a psychobiological addiction to the drama of an emotional challenge and the hormones stimulated by it.

Unfortunately, this also means that when an available man who actually wants to be with you comes along, he fails to arouse the level of insecurity you need. Although this person may be good for you, without the lovesick feelings, you don’t feel any attachment and push him away. So, the cycle begins again, and you ditch the healthy romantic interest in search of more unavailable partners who provoke those feelings of insecurity and mistaken love.

It’s a psychobiological addiction to the thrill of an emotional challenge and the love chemicals that are stimulated by it, all driven by a fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. 

What Is Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment?

When an abandoholic is attracted to someone, it provokes a fear of losing them, which creates feelings of clinginess and neediness. This is the fear of abandonment. In turn, this breeds insecurity which is incredibly hard to hide. Abandoholics often find that it doesn’t matter how hard they try to cover up their insecurities, the desperation shines through, causing the guy they’re chasing to lose interest.

On the other hand, fear of engulfment happens when an abandoholic is being pursued. You feel “engulfed” by your romantic interest’s desire to connect with you, so panic arises and you begin to pull back. Anderson writes that this is a common reason why many relationships end. However, it is difficult to identify, as it is usually hidden behind excuses such as “I just don’t feel the spark,” or “He’s too nice, and I need more of a challenge.”

If you’re an abandoholic, you’ll find that you go back and forth between the two fears. On the one hand, you’re pursuing unavailable lovers who are hard to get. On the other, you’re simply turned off by someone who is available and interested in you.

It Could Be Your Attachment Style

Our relationship with our primary caregiver sets out the foundation for our attachments throughout our adult lives. When our caregiver, such as our mother or father, provides the care we need in a nurturing, timely, and predictable fashion, we feel seen, soothed, safe, and securely attached. This means you may have had a parent who gave a quick and loving response to your expressions of distress when you were a baby and onward. This pattern of interaction creates a secure attachment style, which, as an adult, carries over to romantic relationships, meaning you have more confidence in yourself, your relationship, and your boyfriend. 

The attachment style we experienced in our early years is registered as the norm in our nervous system.

However, if our primary caregiver fails to provide a secure attachment style, we feel insecure and anxious or out of touch with our own and others’ emotions in our relationships later in life. This could be because your cries of distress as a child were left unanswered or your caregiver was regularly critical and cold toward you. Whichever attachment style we experienced in our early years is registered as the norm in our nervous system, meaning we become “biologically addicted” to this type of attachment. Your brain perceived that your response – either ignoring your own feelings or becoming clingy – was the coping mechanism that helped you survive your vulnerable years and is the mental model you use to navigate future relationships. 

So, if you were brought up in a secure, loving environment where you felt comforted and protected, then you won’t pursue a chaotic or abusive relationship. On the other hand, if you were brought up in a toxic environment, where you felt undeserving of love or like you couldn’t rely on your parent or caregiver, then chaotic environments will feel safe to you.

How To Break the Addiction to Toxic Relationships

Take time to understand your attachment style and how you give and receive love – identifying the issue and coming to terms with it is the first step in breaking the habit. To get started, try this quiz or read this article on attachment theory. 

Spend time thinking about what a person who would actually be good for you would be like.

Abandoholics can often become people-pleasers, doing anything and everything they can to ensure the person they want doesn’t leave. Instead, put yourself first and set boundaries. This is particularly important when trying to weed out suitors who may be showing red flags.

Finally, ask yourself what are the five things you want and need in a relationship. Spend time thinking about what a person who would actually be good for you would be like. What qualities would they have? Are they loyal, respectful, honest, disciplined, outgoing? Then, think about how you’re going to find that person because it’s definitely not going to be chasing toxic people who treat you badly. 

Closing Thoughts

When we like someone and don’t respect ourselves, it’s easy to become a contortionist and bend ourselves into what we think the other person wants. Those who are scared of abandonment will do anything and everything to make the relationship work, but if someone is treating you badly, there’s nothing attractive about allowing the poor treatment to continue. 

Being your true self and upholding boundaries and high standards makes you feel good, ensures you value your self-worth, and makes you more attractive. Ultimately, it’s a win-win. You’ll be treated better because you enforce the standards and you’ll start attracting the right kind of guy.

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